Das Licht--The Light: Finish The Story Contest Week #46

in #finishthestory5 years ago (edited)

stagecoach Das Licht.jpg

Prepare to enter the realm of #finishthestory contest, sponsored by that font of creativity, @bananafish. The first part of this week's story was written by @dirge. This is a writer of the first rank. What a rich beginning!

Check out #finishthestory if you would like to embark on this, or a future adventure. I recommend it!

Leitner

by @dirge

Benjamin Leitner, son of General Reinold Leitner, grandson of Count Dietrich Leitner, stepped from the stagecoach and lit his pipe. The night was cold, the sky a vast black emptiness. The moon, if it had shown itself at all that night, was gone, and nothing but the light cast by Benjamin’s lantern offered solace from the creeping dark.

He’d reached the graveyard, home of his family tomb and its historic dynasty. It was a forbidden place, the site of his late mother’s suicide, where Leitners were entombed stretching back centuries. He hated this place, more than anywhere else on earth. But he’d come, alone as ordered to. He’d come, as he had no other option but to do so. And he’d brought the gold.

The letter was written in her typical style. Loquacious, expounding on the nature of their relationship, apologizing for her affairs, thanking him for standing by her throughout it, remaining at her side despite all the controversy of the town. Despite even her own parents telling him to abandon her as a lost cause.

She’d not only dragged herself down into the mud. But him as well. Benjamin the financier, of Wolfstone and Kauffman, now the cuckold of all of Austria. But worst of all, she’d tarnished the name of Leitner.

And when the accusation came, of witchcraft and devilry, of black magic and the most bestial of sacrilege, of whoring in the night endowed with opiates unto madness. Well, it was no wonder when Kauffman wanted out.
And still he stood by her.

Should he have been surprised when the letter came, demanding the last of his finances or else she’d accuse him in the papers of having masterminded it all? Of being an original scholar of the black arts?

That would render the Leitner name into devilry.

No. He couldn’t allow that.

Benjamin finished his pipe, the tobacco charred and ashen. He cast the ash into the wind then slipped the cherry wood pipe into his coat pocket, beside the letter crested with her seal.

Melinda. Oh, you wench.

I’ll be in the crypts, waiting.

He suspected she wasn’t alone. Benjamin suspected the whole carnal tribe to be down there, waiting for her.

Well, so much the better. Let them all wait for his arrival. Let them all see the truth, the forbidden history denied to the world. Stretching back into the foundation of the soil. Let them know who it was that the Leitner’s may be.

He stepped across the grass, peering at the graves of his forbears till he reached the central crypt. The iron gate was ajar and the darkness seemingly impenetrable. They were down there, waiting for him.

“Melinda,” Benjamin said to himself. “It could have been different. So different. But you threatened my name. For that, I cannot forgive you.”

He entered the crypts.

“Time to meet the family,” he thought to himself, almost with a laugh.



What will happen next? My idea:

crypt-pixabay229934_640.jpg


Das Licht -- The Light

By @agmoore

He chanted as he entered the chamber.

Ich leite das Licht
Ich leite das Licht
Mit diesem Licht
Gebe ich dir Sicht

Before him light streamed, a brilliant glow that widened as Benjamin progressed deeper into the gloomy space.

Melinda was alone. Her arrogance had grown so in recent months that she faced him confidently, without her cohorts. But this bravado softened, when she observed the ethereal light flowing from him.

He stopped chanting and addressed his wife gently.

"And so we come to a resolution, at last, Melinda."

She retreated into the shadows, instinctively understanding the light was to be feared.

"I don't know what trick you're playing, Benjamin, but nothing you do will improve your circumstances. Pay me, or my friends and I will ruin you. We have stories, planted strategically, that implicate you in vile deeds. Your family's name, the Leitner name, will forever be tarnished."

He began again to chant rhythmically.

Ich leite das Licht
Ich leite das Licht

His steady voice filled the silence. Each time a chant issued from his lips, the radiance intensified, until the darkest corners of the crypt were illuminated.

She pressed her hands to her ears.

"What is that you keep repeating? Stop it, I tell you, or I'll ruin you no matter what."

She was hysterical now. Light enveloped her.

Benjamin's words echoed. Light and sound united into an energy that drew a circle around husband and wife. Never, even in their most intimate physical moments, had the two been closer.

"Melinda, you are here because you chose to be. Everything happening now was revealed to me when first I laid eyes on you. But nothing was preordained. Each step, each turn in the path, you decided."

Melinda crumbled into a heap on the stone floor. Her eyes fixed on him in panic.

He chanted.

Ich leite das Licht...

"Stop it. Stop it," she screamed. "What are you doing to me?"

"Leitner, Melinda. Benjamin Leitner. More than a name. A destiny. It is through me, through my father, grandfather and my ancestral line that redemptive light is conducted. In each of our lives we come across one person who seems doomed. That person becomes our charge. We bring light into that life so the dark ways are abandoned."

She was breathless now, and whispered.

"All this time, you planned..."

"No Melinda. I waited. I tried to conduct the light into your life. But you turned away. And so here we are. One last chance for you. There's still time. Leave your dark ways. Come. Be redeemed. "

He raised his arms, his cape forming a welcoming embrace.

"I need an answer, Melinda. Your time is up."

She stared at him, her eyes coal black, her lips slightly parted. The voice was weak. The words were not. She stood shakily, her hips supported by the sweating stone walls.

"I...I...

"Damn you, Benjamin."

Sort:  

I read this dialogue under an existential light where we're the cause of our own fate, no matter the way it's delivered. I loved your neat style and flowing sentence structure. Wunderbar!

Thank you very much. It was kind of a fun exercise. I'm one of the few people who finds German to be a musical language...my teacher used to say I spoke it with a French accent :)
This was a great round. You've got a regular salon going here!

To stay consistent with the other posts, I shan't mention @dirge's prompt lest it relates to the ending. Yada, yada, yada, I just want to snuggle @dirge for such a great prompt, okay to the commenting!

The post: Ah, someone lives up to the German name and Austria, a german country, shtick. Played very well at the beginning with "Ich leite das Licht / -e- / Mit diesem Licht / Gebe ich dir Sicht" Probably rocking the poetry aspect a bit too much to English rhyming conventions. Then again, reading GWF Hegel with all his play on words (puns) and expecting that in a song probably was a smidget, itty-bit, wacky-tabacc-y out of touch for my expectations. Albeit, focusing in on this: we get to see how the poem gets reitterated (with some pattern-like distinctions) in both song and story. Albeit playing to the trope of good person who descends is light and person below is darkness (I mean have they seen how hot Hell can get?), the trope is rather played upon for the effect of cleansing (very appropriate again the descent and the Heaven-Hell analogy). Oops, am I already going to philosophy right now?...

La filosofía: Okay since this story already is surrounded by a classical trope of Light-Darkness and plays on that like a damn fiddle (at least I wasn't played like a damn fiddle to quote some random shouting Japanese-American in MGSV), I want to now hone in on that. The presence of tarnisher/corrupter/dirty-uper/muddier person being darkness presented by @dirge is some clear gold right there found. Also the fact that Benjamin, if I recall correctly, to actually attempt "purifying" (a bad word in context of females when looked at historically) and not straight up fighting. Definitely felt the vibes of such when "Leave your dark ways. Come." was tactically deployed there at the end. Albeit, plot twist! Let's talk about Jesus- no let's save that talk for a Theological / philosophy of Religion post. I will remark though that certainly we hadn't the insight of Melinda on this matter but at least attempted to hint at such. So this does feel like a one-sided conversation which thankfully the end blasts the reader into forcing themselves to consider why Benjamin thinks he is pure in this situation and not at all a cause for her "darkening" path; at the very least, a weak-sounding but powerfully worded call to force the reader to be shaken in the faith in Benjamin even if they go back to supporting him over Melinda.

Upvot'd-n-resteem'd!
SASS.gif

Sie hören nicht die folgenden Gesänge,
Die Seelen, denen ich die ersten sang;
Zerstoben ist das freundliche Gedränge,

From Faust

German can be quite singsong--not at all like that Austrian sociopath sounded in his speeches. When I studied German in college, that's how I heard it. I fall in love with language. I took a lot of Spanish because I loved the way it sounded. That's why I think your writing charms me--you're into sound. Even if the sense of the words eludes me (sometimes I have to read it twice) the sound is always effective.

You're right about light and dark, about philosophy, but I was going back further than Jesus. I was going back to the concept of free will. Does the fact that Benjamin knows Melinda will fall compromise her will? Same question that has been posed about an all-knowing deity. Does foreknowledge negate free will?

Anyway. You got where I was going. Simple 500 word conclusion to @dirge's magnificent beginning--I always have fun. At my age, you realize there's no point in doing something like this unless you have fun. Running out of time :)

I read your piece last night before going to sleep. Was impressed by the impressions, by the overall effect. I will go over there now and re-read so I can make a more cogent comment.

See you around, @theironfelix.

Geschichte (even the word for story is fun to say!)

That and I consciously despise the "show-n-don't-tell" rule as a hard and fast line for good and bad writers. Regardless, I was always shocked on how some writers never decide to literally play around with their World with the noise; to grant the two-dimensional words on a page the third-dimension qua sound (and some stories can avoid sound altogether pretty effectively if the prose is well or philosophically imbued).

I knew yah were going back to the first days of filosofía (even before Socrates), just wanted to stick with the biblical-relativity of the setting (since HRE and the Church, and yah know... Austria being the main figure head for the HRE). But yes, in the Indeterminate or Dialectical World these questions are rather seen in constant state of fluctuation and not of truth operators. (Exampli gratia: 1 being true and 0 being false; going from there that if something is 1 and compromises another's 1, what does that really mean for the "another" in sincerity). Always something that is to be asked and seen through by the film with the connecting frames leading one right after the other and not the individual frames which could say a lot but requires other frames to make sense of.

Hue~

Will await thy comment, Agmy~

Grimmy~.gif



This post has been manually selected, curated and upvoted by CI mod staff team. Supporting all posts that are in high quality and don’t get enough recognition.



This post was submitted for curation by: @theironfelix
This post was voted: 100%

Thank you so much. Very kind, and uplifting.

Ooohhh this is such a sweet ending with some real emotive moments. You fill it with the depth of history, of love and forgiveness, that explains the behaviour of Benjamin in the first half, and why he has put up with so much. The boundless endless light of love that will forgive and encompass all, you turn this into a sensitive love story, not a high vampire romance, but a story that despite supernatural elements, is about the people.

This bit

Everything happening now was revealed to me when first I laid eyes on you. But nothing was preordained. Each step, each turn in the path, you decided

and he loved her anyway, he gave her all the chances to cross him, in the hope she wouldn't take them, and stood by her anyway. The ending, which could be taken either way, is just perfect, allowing the reader to decide if in the end, she damned him in defiance, or because he had left her no choice but to accept his light.

Your use of german works well, you tie it into building on the first half, taking the small details and amplifying them to a ceiling-raising crescendo in the true finish the story style!

With a critique like that, I'm ready to pick up my pen and start writing! Thank you for "getting" me, and for your generous appraisal. I did want to leave it open. Resolution seemed too pat.
Thank you!

está muy interesante esta narrativa!
misterio y suspenso!
y muy buen final!

Muchas gracias!

Really enjoy the interaction between the two main characters.

Thank you, @cyemela. I think I like dialogue because it is simple, and concise. The more I write, the simpler my pieces become.

Benjamin's words echoed. Light and sound united into an energy that drew a circle around husband and wife. Never, even in their most intimate physical moments, had the two been closer.

This paragraph let me into their relationship, and hinted at a lot of drama, distance, sadness and regret.

I enjoyed your take on the Leitner name, a kind of destiny and job and all that. Also, you offered Melinda a chance to redeem herself. Nice take.

I appreciate that, @dirge. I studied a lot of German in college--don't remember most of it--so the name struck me. And I do try not to kill people off too easily, even in a horror story.
So glad you liked my take.

ya i was wondering about the German thing, cause I don't speak a lick of it. But you were up front with it so I assumed you had some experience.

I just looked up common Germanic surnames and went with Leitner cause it sounded kind of nice lol

When we write, we try to find a focus. 500 words is good, because it doesn't allow us to lose focus. Good training, I think for longer pieces. A name, a place, a pet. Whatever. Find it and exploit it, right?

@agmoore You have received a 100% upvote from @botreporter because this post did not use any bidbots and you have not used bidbots in the last 30 days!

Upvoting this comment will help keep this service running.

Thank you! Much appreciated. I wouldn't even know how to use a bot. I only deal with humans :)

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