More Precious Than A Green Stone (Finish The Story - Not Entry)

in #finishthestory5 years ago (edited)

The first half comes from the @bananafish #finishthestory contest, it was written by the wonderfully talented @tristancarax - I had the incredible honour of taking the helm and hosting the contest this week and it was so very much fun, we had amazing entries, and I really enjoyed getting in to all of them. However it also meant I couldn't participate. This opening had me hooked and I wanted to see what I could do with it, and once all was said and done, I couldn't resist seeing where this it would take me. So without further ado:

Opening by @tristancarax

I watched Belinda getting onto the cable car that was headed up the hill. Quickly, I ran and jumped onto the back as the cable car began to pull away.

I would have had trouble with the ticket agent if it wasn’t for the gun in my hand and the badge on my belt. He backed off with a quiet stare. Following my gaze, he was bewitched by Belinda’s beauty. He darted after me. She had this effect on men of weak mind. I would have fallen off if it wasn’t for the bar slamming up against my back. Tossing the man off the trolley, his body cracked and thudded as he rolled down the hill. A blood-soaked street ...

I turned my attention back to Belinda. Fuck! She’d vanished. That fucking prick! I’d been hunting down this woman for weeks with no luck. I’d have no clue as to where to scour next if it wasn’t for the letter I found at my feet addressed to me.

It was 3 a.m. when I arrived back to my flea-infested motel. A new record for me as the days without sleep turned into weeks of nightmares. Insomnia is a bitch.

The Captain at the precinct had kept me longer than expected. He was viscerally upset when my employer had spoken to him over the phone. ”What do you mean ‘set him free?’” the captain protested. ”This man of yours just killed a man, for no apparent reason, with a slew of witnesses around,” his voice rose a little louder, becoming squeaker, ”and I’m to let him go?” His eyes darted in my direction. I saw him about to crack. ”What am I supposed to tell the press?” My employer ensured him that he’d take care of the press if the precinct did its job and labelled the body bag with the tag ”DNI” (Do not investigate).

Reluctantly, the Captain released me. My employer had ties to power most would never dare touch. Those who dared to challenge him were usually found with a couple missing body parts in the middle of town or possibly at the bottom of a flight of stairs. ”Unsolved” murder/suicides were abound. This place was beyond crooked.

I sat down on the bed. I finally had time to get to the letter I’d hidden in my trench coat pocket that was hidden beneath a pocket. This pocket had saved a few useful items in the past when I’d gotten into trouble for the blatant disregard for life.

Other than the obvious clue ”Addressed to you, Detective,” she had left a kiss mark, formed from the blue lipstick she wore.

I slapped my neck. ”Fucking fleas!”

Opening the letter, I read:

Dear Detective,

I know why you don't sleep at night. I've watched you in your half-hazy sleep toss and turn. Yes, I've done my research. You thought I didn't know about you? No matter.

Pay attention.

Your awakening is coming. You first have to chase this mouse a few more times around the block before your mind will be free enough to see that the shadow and the light cannot be without the other.

You have been to the Garden. Follow the smell. Seek the maid who is more precious than a green stone.

Your employer is banking on the life you've lead up until this very moment.

A sweet kiss, Detective.

There was a knock at my door.


My Ending

I didn’t look up, there was no point, the parade of split-lipped whores knocking on doors in this filthy city never ended. There was only so long I could use the cover of my employer before he realised the calls didn’t relate to his job. His patience with me had been wearing thin as it was. It was wiser to ignore the lilted offers, let her move on to the next apartment.

I sighed, staring at the letter, sinking into the bug ridden sheets. The fever pitch of incessant biting faded into the background of my thoughts.

A garden I have been to…?

There were no gardens in this shit hole. Not unless you counted the plastic decor of rooftop bars, and I most certainly hadn’t wasted money in those disease ridden dives.

And a smell?

I scoffed, the whole fucking place stinks of despair, liquor and vomit. Trying to find just one smell to follow would be more of a challenge than anything else.

The maid more precious than a green stone..?

I closed my eyes, numbed to the nip and burn of fleas, the rough scratch of the cheap blankets. That had to be the paycheck I had yet to earn. Take out the boys running the cut and polish joint under ZanziBar Zelights, deliver a nice clinking bag of green stones. Should be easy enough, in and out, a few muzzles flashes in between, and off to the next city of the damned.

I’d staked out the place weeks ago, found myself lost in conversation with a waitress. The night slipped away as blue lips promised the sanctity of strangers. Belinda. She’d run her hands through my fair hair - a stark contrast to her own - and whispering something about how the shadow needs the light, kissed her way down my neck.

She’d gone before sunrise, her faint perfume lingering between the sheets. Judging by the state she’d left the apartment in, she was a hired gun herself. I’d spent weeks tracking her, trying to figure out what she knew. She come close to letting me catch her, i’d run into her at the cable car station, offered her a drink, only to find her disappearing on the back of a train as I returned with it.

And calling me detective like that… what was she getting at?

I didn’t have the energy, and with more pressing things to do tonight, I let the letter fall to the bed. Rising, I reached for the holster, the chest strap, the ankle blade, the gear that would get me paid tonight.

I kept the proper calibre under the mattress, and retrieving it, the last line caught my eye.

What the fuck did she mean, banking on it? There was something hidden between the lines, a warning? An invitation? I didn’t have time for her games tonight, I had to deliver in two hours. That was the one thing I was known for, delivered bodies on schedule.

Opposite Zanibar Zelights, under the neon pink of a hotel bar, I saw her. She held my oversized backpack, the one I’d never unpacked thanks to the rat faeces in the drawers, her blue smile washed purple in the light.

“Ready for the last chase, Detective?”

Fucking Belinda, she couldn’t just ask me out like a normal girl!

As this wasn't a real entry, I decided to try adding a bit more a challenge. This is a story of two layers, which I really hope comes across, there is the protagonist, and his understanding of the situation, and then the facts, and Belinda. I tried to include the meaning of everything in the letter in there, without the person telling the tale realising it, so would appreciate knowing if this worked, or was too subtle. Oh this one was so much fun to write! I wanted to have a bit more, but it is just over 550, and I did want to try and keep as close to the 500 as I could, so alas, less detail, but the plot just carried me away!

The first half comes from #finishthestory over on @bananafish - you can see all the actual entries that finished this opening resteemed there. This contest runs every week, and we are due a new round tomorrow with an opening by our very talented @gaby-crb so make sure to head over and check it out.

Photo Credit - moi! I can't believe i forgot i had got some blue unicorn lipstick for christmas!

With a little help from Snapchat instant facial surgery, a very weak, early morning impression of Belinda

Love and sparkle ~ Calluna <3

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This peace has an eerie and disturbing feel to it. That hotel became on real shit-hole. I'd rather sleep outside. lol

I did enjoy the direction you went in.

not on those streets ;) - eh i couldn't resist coming up with all my own meanings for the letter

Now I love this post @calluna!~ Though yah couldn't enter, this would rival with all three winners of the contest. (Maybe even the pop vote spot ~UwU~ ).

{Now I wanted to go this route (maybe I shall if I decide to expand my post), where Blue Myst of White-Flame 'n' the Detective would've realized that something important was missing. White-Myst gives a clear Mischief (From Interface, I can link below a good video for people coming into the series. A bit Surrealist that goes beyond Surrealism to give a good story while living itself) line and they would chase after Belinda. Maybe on a later note down the week after this, but of course my spin if I so choose to extend it.}

Upvot'd-n-resteem'd.
Flyin' by!.gif

ohhhh <3 yey!! So glad you like it!!

Hmmm, now i have to see this! So if i don't stop by when you post it, poke me on discord, but i'm not sure if it would really be the same direction, I wove a tiny bit of the inappropriate in here ;)

Look up Interface by U m a m i.
Or look into the channel i posted in the BF Discord with the Cambell Soup Can.

I really, really liked this entry!

But I'm going to confess to being just as lost as the "detective." The shadow and light seemed an obvious reference to their complexions/hair, but was there some other meaning beneath that?

What is Belinda trying to entice him into exactly? What is it Belinda knows and intends that the protagonist misinterprets? If you don't mind spoiling the mystery, I'm very curious.

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Awww yes! Thank you so much, this has made me so happy <3

Okay okay, I went for a really far stretch on the clues, wanted to see how far I could push it ;) so spoilers in small. I will sort of decode the clues, so you can see if you get to it before i tell you the real ending ;)

This bit about not being able to sleep, both refers to having spent the night with him, and is her saying she knows he's a hitman, too familiar with the threat to sleep soundly.
The awakening is what he is yet to realise, and the line about chasing the mouse is her trying to say it isn't safe to catch her yet because he hasn't freed his mind enough to figure out whats really going on.
You got the shadow and the light, they are in a situation where if they don't work together, they both cannot 'be'
Garden can be slang for lady parts, so she is using it to refer to that moment of connection when she spent the night with him. The scent is her perfume left between the sheets - the only trace of her once she'd gone, so she is saying to find his way back to that real moment. Then the maid and the stone, she is saying not to do the job, but to find her instead, she has something to offer him that is worth more than the payday that waits for him.
But the line about the employer is the real crux, the 'detective', really a hitman, always delivers his bodies on time, but he is aware his employer is losing patience with him and is tired of making things go away etc.

And the real ending, well, there's only one way to retire a hitman who's getting to be more trouble than they are worth. Belinda was hired as part of that set up, but she had watched him, and decided there is more to be gained, one way or another, by working with him. She can't just tell him, or be seen with him, in case the employer finds out, so she keeps evading him, until the last moment, when she stops him before he can go inside, and she saves his life, his next hit was a set up. Her one last chase line refers to making a get away. What is never said, but I had in mind when writing, in case you are still wondering Belinda's role in all of this, the employer had hired her to replace our main character, but she decides she doesn't want the life he has, and that the same end might well await her, but if they team up, they could both give the employer the slip, and take on much bigger jobs, but well that would have taken a crazy amount of thinking about to figure out lol

Ohhhhhh.... Yeah, okay, that makes sense.

Nope, I did not pick up on her being hired to whack the reckless hitman, but that is a very good interpretation! Well done!

I like your character development and world-building. You accomplish a lot in a few words.

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