Gutter (freewrite)

He struggles to ride out the feeling, the overpowering need to show her everything that he's capable of, to force her to open her eyes. He really fights this one, jamming and screaming and thrusting his fists against the senseless fears of his minds, grasping at the edges of his mind, so as not to fall in the gutter.
Because he knows that once he gets down there, there's no saving him. There never is and he really doesn't want it to happen this time. Things are going well, this time. Not that they were going particularly un-well the last time, or the time before that, but the past is unchangeable. He'd behaved a certain way, in the past, something he does not wish to carry into the future.
So, he tries to ignore her comment and act as if it doesn't bother him, because he knows that's what a normal person would do. A normal man would never take offense as such silly, baseless words. He tells himself he doesn't even remember what she said, but in his heart of hearts, he does. There, the words are never ending, repeating, like they're on a loop and threatening his precarious stability.
You're such a fool.
You're such a fool.
A fool.
Such a fool. You're s fool.

She called him a fool, yes, but she didn't mean it, surely. It's just a word people use sometimes. She was upset and rightly so, he hasn't been acting very nice and he wonders how a normal lover would respond. He's been plagued by this agonizing word his whole life. He never was a normal boy, no matter how much he tried, how hard he struggled to act like the other kids and play nice. There have always been pitfalls.
The unwanted abyss in his heart. And he's always been prone to falling in.
But he tries to make sense of it – it's so easy to fall with such unkind words. But still, he regrets. He wishes he wouldn't fall, that he wouldn't start questioning himself from every little thing.
And there are a lot of days when he feels he's better. He really thinks he's in a good spot, in his life, that he's gaining confidence, becoming strong.

And then, something like this. A stupid argument. An unworthy fight. And there he is, right where he began, struggling to escape his abyss.
And wishing, so so much, he could show her that he was important, too.

Prompt word for the day was 'important'. Check out @mariannewest for more freewriting fun and maybe consider joining the party, over at the @freewritehouse -