Parenting is a daunting yet rewarding task which not a single parent is ever-ready prepared for it. The role of parenting comes without a how-to manual and every single parent has to have hands-on training when the bundle of joy (or cry) arrives grandly. Most parents parent according to how their parents did it to them last time.

I grew up in a half-Chinese and half-Western style parenting. My mum is from a typical Chinese background and my dad is a blend of Chinese and Western culture, but both are Chinese. People used to remark that we, Asian Chinese parents, incorporated too much disciplinary and rules and instructions in our parenting style, so much so that it suffocates the freedom of expression and choice in children.

I read too much blogs on that when I prepared myself to be a parent, subsequently I vowed not to be such a parent. I wanted to be one who shoves the traditional approach filled with authority and discipline and moves into more liberal parenting, giving more freedom of choice for my child. Remember, parenting comes without any manual.

After 7 years as a mother, this is what I found out.

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Parenting my first son - friendly liberal way.

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I gave him a lot of freedom of choice and freedom of expression. For example, "This food or that food?" and "This shorts or that trousers?" He had the advantage to grow in his well-being and individuality given such freedom. But, I noticed as he was growing up, he got lost in this ever growing world. It is indeed a big, huge world for him. Plenty of choices. Toys varied. And he thought he was mature enough to be an adult just like us, to make choices which he didn't even know bad for him, let say, alot of screen time (I am guilty at charge). And as his brain develops, he starts to despise a "No" from me because he was so used to the freedom he had.

It was a shame I had to say I eventually made a choice to blend in some traditional approach as I picked up element of rebel in him when his parents said "no". And then he got upset when he had to face the consequence of his wrong choice. For instance, he chose to sleep late and became super tired and cranky the next day that he could not enjoy his playdate with his friends. And he was picky with his food, "don't want to eat this one, I only want that food, bla bla bla..." and whined whenever we sounded him or corrected him.

Therefore, nowadays, I got back my authority on him as his valid mother to choose the food he should eat and to set for him how much screen time he needs. As well as other stuff that I think I need to give him less freedom. Whether he whines or makes a fuss out of it, I am different now, I would not give in as I did last time and it was a mistake, but I stand firm and eventually he will find out that Mummy's choice is better than his. Yes, he did realise he made bad choices and started to agree he should listen to me more.

He needs to know I give him freedom but his parents are still in charge and he should respond with respect when the parents are in control for that particular situation.

However, it is undeniable fact that with friendly, more-feedom-given approach, he matures faster than his age. And when he first entered primary school, he had no problem mingling with others and be given roles as a leader; cleanliness leader, group leader, and other roles to help out his teachers. He is secure, intact and confident as a boy.

Parenting my 2nd son - obviously a blend of traditional and liberal approach

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I still give him a lot of freedom of choice an freedom of expression but I don't ask him what shirts he wants to wear or what food he wants to eat. I have learned that in terms of attire and food, Mummy's choice is the best. So when Jansen started to learn to eat last year when he was 3 years old until today, he eats everything presented to him on the table. He is not picky and he gets the implication of whatever-mummy-cooks-is-for-me-to-eat-not-to-choose. That is if he is alright and he can eat. Otherwise, I tube-feed him (if this is your first time here on my blog, Jansen is a CDH survivor and he is a tube).

Also, Jansen is in entirely different situation as he didn't get to grow up as others could. He stayed at home most of the time in his 3-year-old of life as we were protecting his compromised lung from infection. He only starts to cultivate his social development recently and we are positive he will turn out fine as a social being. Well, I am still learning as a mother to a child who needs special care.

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So what do I say?

There is no such thing as wrong or right in parenting style. We pick up what works best for us as we journey into the art of parenting. And every child is different. Some need alot of guidance and some not. Some become a lion when you let him explore alone by himself.. But some chicken out and it is not wrong too, it simply means he or she needs more guidance and directions and intruction, even some 'don'ts' for him or her to feel secure.

I would say we give freedom to our child or children while letting them know parents can set boundaries to protect, guide and nurture them. Parenting comes with a lot of mistakes and improvement on the way, and the mistake-improvement cycle repeats till we depart from this world, and it means we have officially fulfilled our job as a parent.

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Thank you for reading.

If you do not know what freewrite is, it is a plan by @mariannewest and @improv to just free flow write out our thoughts, where there is no fear of whether what we write is good or not. Just relax and have fun and write in that 5-minutes-time. Here is the introductory post. Come on, you can start joining and have fun too! ☺ And now we have @freewritehouse, yay! Have a visit and you will not regret it!

_{art and flair courtesy of @PegasusPhysics}