Depression - A Trigger Prompt - Day 26 Selfie Freewrite Celebration

in #freewrite6 years ago (edited)

Depression - A Trigger Prompt

I'm happy to report that I am far from this valley now, but I am no stranger to it's murky depths.

I spent decades in a very bad place with a very unkind person who spent his days and nights keeping me in line and proportionately reducing my already fragile self-esteem.

I never thought of myself as prone to depression, but it's very hard when you take an emotional battering day and night for decades being told how worthless you are to maintain a positive self-image.

I can tell you about the day that I ran from my abuser and hid in weeds under an abandoned car for hours and cried like a forsaken child. Or I could tell you about another time that I ran barefoot in the snow to an unused hunting camp 1/4 mile into the woods from my house after putting my kindergarten daughter on the bus in the snow during a violent arguement.

I can tell you about the time I contemplated suicide while my husband was out drinking and running around with other women. I thought about the two toddlers tucked in their beds and I couldn't think of a way to kill myself where my babies would not find me.

Or I could tell you about years later on June 14,1997 when I lost my beautiful, musical, talented mother through her violent suicide three days after my birthday, and about her two loving sisters who committed suicide years before, both in terrible violent ways.

I confess I went through this world in a huge emotional vacuum of my soul feeling the sharpest pain I have ever experienced in my life after her death, still with my abuser and no comforter. I can tell you about the loss of a parent you adore at their own hand and how I dreaded my birthday each subsequent year.

I could tell you how seeing posts of the unexpected suicide of Anthony Bourdain pushed me off of Facebook this morning as soon as I opened it like a firebrand to the heart.

But I choose to tell you about my victories... about my beautiful family, two sisters and a brother who we are flying to see in Buffalo this evening and about my wonderful relationship with Jeff whose unflagging love and support has come so unexpectedly into my life.

I choose to tell you about my friends, my family and those who have been with me from the beginning and never turned away from me, who helped me leave that abuser, in spite of the fact that they did not understand the things that I was going through.

I can tell you that I know the power of depression because I witnessed it first-hand over and over in my life, but I choose to tell you about the power of love and forgiveness and about God who somehow, someway sustained me through some of the worst horrors I have ever experienced.

I can tell you about joy because only when you lose deeply do you truly understand how much you have been overwhelmingly blessed with.

I can tell you that writing this prompt was done through a veil of tears trickling down my cheeks for those losses which l experienced, but very seldom do I allow myself to feel them or slide back into that self-destructive hole that took away some of the most beautiful people that I've known and loved.

Today, Jeff and I picked up from the hospital someone close who spent a couple of nights there after contemplating suicide over hard setbacks in their life.

Love thyself. Leave your legacy in kindness and help.

You are worthy of love and precious in the eyes of God and no one can ever fill your shoes.

Make your mark with your unique style and talents.

The world is a better place because you are in it.

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This is my 5 minute freewrite hosted by @mariannewest.
Today's prompt depression

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I'm so sorry that this prompt brought out so many intense emotions, but I hope that it was at least a little bit cathartic in a good way. Reading all of that breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you went through all that you went through and I know it must be really hard to show your vulnerability like that. I hope that today you find some peace. I know it's a sad day for so many of us... this prompt came at the best and worst time. Take care. <3

Thank you @malloryblythe. It is catharctic to share these things if only to point out that we can overcome all manner of pain and loss to find joy in life if we cling to the hope that there are better things to come and if we make decisions that nurture our hearts. Is not enough to heal ourselves, that healing should be shared with the rest of the world. Hugs, you're very kind.

This past year, I went through what was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to face, though I'm sure there will be darker times. I learned that I was much stronger than I had ever given myself credit for. Sometimes little echoes of trauma resurface and come out sideways, and I don't always know how to place my feelings or where to put that energy. This community has been very helpful for me in finding an outlet and a place to share the things that come from within. I'm not always very transparent about where my writing is coming from (if it's not strictly autobiographical or self referential), but it all comes from that yearning to make sense of the things around us and find peace through creating something outside of yourself. I just want to let you know how much I appreciate the ways that you put yourself out there and share with the rest of us what you're going through. It's certainly not an easy thing to do but it helps all of us to know that we're a little less alone than we thought we were.

You are an amazing woman and I read this through the lines you write. I am glad that my words serve to help you in some way to understand that you are not alone, but that we are many who grapple with where we have been. *hugs & much love. Thank you.

You are a strong, beautiful soul. It has taken me a couple of days to read more on the 'depression' prompt because it hits close to home for me as well. Thank you for sharing your story. I think it helps to let others know that they aren't alone.

Thank you @byn. I know for every story you write there are so many more inside of you, too. I appreciate both your love and encouragement. These aren't my usual posts, but at times we do find the story gets away. I hope ton encourage as many as I can with my own story. Hugs and much love.

So much in such a short freewrite.

Sounds simplistic, but reading how other people have also felt such deep feelings and, more important, have beaten them and changed them for better ones always helps. Specially during hard times.

Thanks for sharing this and with it the strenght others may need to get through dark periods.

Wow! Dear @ wandrnrose7, the truth almost cried reading your experiences, reflects and thoughts.
Simply my respect and admiration for such an enormous strength!
A big hug!


Greetings.

Thank you for both your love and respect. I count myself blessed with this current life and I make sure to be thankful every day.

This must have been so hard to write, @wandrnrose7! Thank you for sharing your story with us. It gives hope for a better life for those who are so desperate to end their suffering. I am grateful that you found the strength and the love to return from the darkness.

Hugs and thank you for your kindness. We have nothing if not hppe for a better future.

Never give up. Never give in. Someone told me that not too long ago. :)
Glad Jeff is there for you now. Bless his heart for being the kind soul he is, and for you pulling through it all.

Thank you so much. I am so glad for all my family and supporters.

You are indeed a lovely and hardy rose, Janelle. Thank you for writing this through your tears, for being strong enough to share your fear and desire for it all to end from your darker days, and for having such a beautiful heart that wants others to find their way through the pain.

I hope that your friend is able to triumph as you have. Blessings to you and to Jeff for standing by her and supporting her when she needs those who love her the most.

Much love to you and a sincere HUG.

Thank you, @brisby. I don't like to visit the past because life is so much different these days, but if anyone can see that holding on even through the dark times can bring much better times with my story then I am happy. hugs

Wow! This is so deep. sorry you had to go through al this. To be alive today, you are indeed a strong woman. Glad you survived

Thank you for your kind thoughts. It is very good to be alive and happy today.

Such a terrible journey you've had. Thank God you had the power not to follow the same path as your mother.
Have a great time with your family in Buffalo!

Thank you, dear! It's been so wonderful so far. We probably will remain another night due to weather.

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