UFO No-Go (ComedyOpenMic Contest Round 17 Entry)

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“I brought this pistol because you never know about these aliens: You don’t know if they want to fuck you, fight you or fillet you!”

“We interrupt this regularly scheduled broadcast for a news flash,” says Tom Tinkerton at WBLO’s international studios in Atlanta, Georgia. “A UFO has just been sited near Rawhide, Nevada. WBLO’s ace reporter, Bill Brawler, is hot on its trail. Bill?”

“Thanks Tom! Yes, I’m here at the edge of a small town in the middle of the evening. I’m climbing up some rough terrain to get to the top of what appears to be a non-descript mountain. It is here that locals have reported siting some strange outer-worldly activity.”

As Bill slowly labors up the mountain, his cameraman, Jose Jimenez, carefully captures Bill’s every move.

Bill is wearing a suit in the middle of summer because he always tries to look good on camera, no matter the occasion. With an award-winning smile and a thick, rich voice, Bill is a seasoned news reporter at WBLO and he loves his job. However, he’s pushing forty, balding, overweight and has been overlooked numerous times for advancement. This is Bill’s big shot, if he can somehow pull off this one piece, he could get noticed and move on to a better assignment and get the hell out of the podunk town he currently reports for.

Jose is in his late twenties, heavily bearded, wearing shorts and flip-flops, and very soft-spoken. He’s glad to be behind the camera, but hates dealing with prima donnas such as Bill. For example, instead of walking up a perfectly good road, Bill made him walk up the bushy side of the mountain to make the shot more “realistic”.

Earlier that day

On the way up to the location while riding in the company van, Jose and Bill briefly chatted about the possibility of encountering alien beings.

“I really don’t want to see an alien spacecraft or meet any aliens,” said Jose.

Jose reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a gun. “Just in case, I brought this pistol because you never know about these aliens: You don’t know if they want to fuck you, fight you or fillet you! Thus, it’s better to be safe than to be some weird life form’s lunch, in my opinion.”

"Put that goddamn thing away before you hurt someone," yells Bill.

Jose clearly didn't want to deal with any aliens. If he saw one, Jose’d probably shit his pants and run away from the scene as fast as he could.

Bill, on the other hand, couldn’t wait to see some aliens. Hell, he’d jump right on a spaceship and document the whole thing. Fuck Jose and his pussy attitude! Bill is all in! Truth be told, he’d even let the aliens examine him, and to take it one step further, he’d even welcome a sexual encounter with an alien. He would! He’d videotape the entire thing, but wouldn’t show it on live TV, of course. However, he would offer the footage to scientists for research purposes. He’d also be more than happy to take a joyride on the alien’s sophisticated spaceship and fly to their home, if offered the opportunity.

Just thinking about seeing aliens made Bill giddy with excitement and he wished that Jose would drive just a tad-bit faster. Hello, this is a huge story and he wanted to be the first news company to get there. Even though, it was highly doubtful that any other news stations would beat them to the punch because they were the closest news source to the siting. But still, Bill felt that a sense of urgency on the part of the van driver, Jose, would be greatly appreciated! “Faster Jose,” Bill barked.

Back on the scene

Bill and Jose were both exhausted from walking straight up the mountain to get to the site were the alien spaceship reportedly landed. The hairs on Jose’s neck were standing straight up as they neared the peak. Bill, on the other hand, had a woody.

“Almost to the top folks and no sign of anything out-of-the-ordinary,” says Bill breathing heavily and showing a nervous smile.

They reach the peak and a huge, flat, barren landscape appears. But there’s no sign of a UFO.

“Well, there you have it folks,” says Bill. “Looks like the UFO, if it was here, up and left,” he says with a smile, but he’s hurting inside. “Failed again,” he thinks to himself.

“But wait, what’s that,” Bill screams.

Sweating profusely, Jose zooms his camera in on a strange object circling the perimeter.

“Hey, you there, stop,” yells Bill.

The camera focuses in on a naked man riding what appears to be a souped-up tricycle. Bill runs over to the man on the vehicle with Jose following close behind.

“Hello, I’m Bill Brawler with WBLO news,” he says as he stops the man on the tricycle and shoves a microphone directly into the naked man’s face. Bill tries to quickly catch his breath while Jose raises his foot to craftily pull out a chigger, yet does not disrupt the shot. After beaming the camera’s bright light directly on his subject, Jose carefully draws his gun and points it at the man, just in case.

“Well, hi-ya Bill, I’m Beauregard Brixton,” says the man enthusiastically, yet squinting considerably from the camera’s bright lights. He gets off his pedal-powered tricycle which is designed with a huge wheel in front and two wide, smaller wheels in back. All the wheels have knobby tires with chrome spokes while the handlebars have long, colorful streamers. A large, heavily dented headlight shines brightly in front and a rear bumper sticker reads: Caution Alien On Board.

Noticing Jose’s gun for the first time, Beau says, “Whoa, don’t shoot, Obi-Wan! I’m not the droid you’re looking for!” After closely examining Beau through the lens, Jose slowly lowers his pistol and puts it back in his pants, then zooms in the camera on his subject.

Beau is about twenty years old with long blonde hair, six pack abs and a heavily pierced and tattooed body. He stands proudly by his mobile apparatus and waves to the camera. Smiling profusely, Beau appears to be highly self-medicated.

“What are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere,” asks Bill.

“Oh shucks, I uh, heard about a UFO round these parts, sose I moseyed on up here to see for myself,” says Beau.

“And, what exactly did you see,” asks Bill anxious to get an eye-witness report on live TV.

“Well, I saw one of them UFOs,” says Beau blandly.

“You did,” says Bill excitedly. “And?”

“And I saw a UFO, plain and simple,” says Beau a bit confused by Bill’s line of questioning.

“Right, what did it look like,” says Bill getting annoyed with Beau’s lack of detail.

“It looked like a UFO, duh,” says Beau now dumbfounded by Bill’s questions.

Frustrated, but trying to contain himself, Bill takes a deep breath and says, “OK, let’s start at the beginning. What happened just before you saw the UFO?”

“Right, I was riding my big wheely up the mountain.”

“Your what?”

“My big-wheely,” Beau says pointing to his souped-up tricycle. “I made it myself on account of too many DUIs. Can’t drive legal no more, sose I made this here contraption to get around.”

“OK, so you were riding up the mountain and then what?”

“I sees this massive saucer with bright lights and all.”

“Then what,” asks Bill.

“I started pedaling faster to get a closer look.”

“Right, then what?”

“I saw it.”

Gnashing his teeth, Bill exercises extreme patience and tries once again to extract some meaningful content out of Beau. “OK, please describe in full detail what you saw, remember we are on live TV.”

“No pressure right! Hi mom,” he says waving to the camera again. “Details, the reporter wants details, OK!" Beau loosens his neck and shakes his arms to get into reporter mode. He abruptly stops and poses, then in a deep voice he says, "It was late at night in Rawhide, Nevada and I was riding my wheely in the buff, as I do, going up this here mountain with a hinny hummer buzzing full blast when all the sudden…”

“Excuse me, you had a what?”

“Uh, dang it! What’s it called? Darn near forgot the proper name of the whatchamacallit. Oh yeah, I had a pulsating vibrator up my ass,” says Beau matter-of-factly.

“What, why would you,” Bill throws up his hands in disgust, steps backwards, loosens his tie and tries to regain his composure. He will finish the story as best as he can because he’s a professional, damnit! But this clown is ruining his live report! “Never mind, continue with the story, please,” says Bill holding back his agitation.

“OK, sose I sees this massive UFO and I’m a-pedaling as fast as I can to get a closer look. I mean I'm peddling like a banshee straight out of hell, practically standing up on my wheely, when all the sudden my Johnson gets caught in the front spokes!”

“For the love of Pete,” yells Bill as he drops the mic on the ground. He motions to his cameraman to stop filming, but Jose has his news producers screeching at him in his earpiece and they are telling him not to stop filming, whatever happens! So Jose flashes Bill the continue sign.

Bill rolls his eyes, picks up the mic, and reluctantly tries once again. “Then, please, by all means,” he says sarcastically to Beau, “tell the world what happened next. The folks at home are riveted, truly riveted to your story!”

“They are, cool,” says Beau. “So once I got Bobo caught in the spokes of my front wheel and...”

“Who?”

“Oh sorry, Bobo is my pet name for my penis,” says Beau.

“Of course it is, please continue,” says Bill shaking his head.

“So as I was saying, when Bobo got caught, I screamed the scream of death! I mean my shrieks could literally be heard ‘round the world! You can only imagine how much pain I was in! I mean it hurt, bad! Real bad! So bad that I yelled louder than a pod of blue whales in heat! I’m telling you it was loud! So loud that it shattered most of the glass winders on the UFO. Once that happened, I reckon those aliens figured that they had underestimated us here earthlings and skedaddled faster than you could say ‘split’”.

“And that’s it? You, a naked man with a vibrator firmly up your derriere, shattered the windows on the UFO by screaming in pain when your prick got caught in the spokes of your tricycle,” says Bill through clenched teeth.

“Yes sir, I did,” says Beau proudly.

“Of course you did. The aliens zipped for light years across vast chunks of outer space in a vehicle so sophisticated that we won’t be able to match its technology for possibly thousands of years and you, a naked hick from Rawhide, zonked out of his mind on who knows what, riding a piece of junk that you probably put together from scraps found in a dirty dumpster, YOU, brought these super-advanced aliens to their knees!”

“Yes sir, I did. And might I add, I don’t like your tone.”

“Oh really? Well, you do realize that you could have completely bungled humanity’s first chance at meeting intelligent life from outer space, don’t you? This was First Contact and you single-handedly bumbled the entire thing!”

“Now hold on one dag-gum minute,” says Beau angrily. “You are looking at it in the wrong light. The way I sees it, I reckon I just saved the entire human race from alien destruction and devastation. I mean, think about it! They, those sophisticated aliens you mentioned aforehand, were about to get busy with us here human people and I, Beauregaurd Brixton from right cheers in Rawhide, Nevada, USA, put an end to it pronto, yes sir, put an end to it real pronto like! You’re doggone tootin’! And you’re welcome, thank you very much!”

“Of course you did. You’ll probably end up getting a medal and me, I’ll probably be looking for a new job soon, real soon. Well, all I can say is thank you for your time, Beau, and for your candor, your nakedness, and for probably ruining my career,” Bill says, then turns to the camera and puts on a fake smile. “This is Bill Brawler for WBLO signing off from Rawhide, Nevada.”

Beau jumps up and down in the background and shakes his swollen dick at the camera.

The End.

What would you do if you saw a UFO or Beau?

I nominate @pechichemena and @themadgoat.

Help support @ComedyOpenMic by voting COM as a witness. Click here, enter in @ComedyOpenMic in the space provided, then click "Vote".

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