DOE, A DEER - Comedy Open Mic - Round 21

Whenever you go out into the woods, people always tell you to watch out for deer ticks, and they never say anything about deer dicks, and they should. They really should. Don't ask me how I know. I just know.

OK, here's what happened. This didn't happen to me, it happened to a friend. The kind of friend you'd buy insurance through. That kind of good buddy.

He and a female companion were walking through the woods when she was suddenly raped by a deer. Now is probably when I should tell you that his female companion was a doe. You know, doe a deer, a female deer? My friend's weird. He saw the whole thing happen, too. The buck came up to her, put a flashlight in her face, and she froze. He took his time. He had done this before. Even though they were deer, he did her dog-style, just for spite.

So, my friend wasn't going to stand there and watch that. After fifteen to twenty minutes he went looking for help and came upon a park ranger.

He said to the ranger, "Sir, my friend was just raped in the woods."

The ranger replied, "Oh my God! Can you describe the assailant? What color was his hair?"

"Brown."

"What color were his eyes?"

"Pretty sure brown."

"How tall?"

"With or without antlers?"

"What?!"

The park ranger wasn't too happy with him, and then the whole story got twisted around and he looked like the degenerate, just because he filmed the whole thing from three different angles including his patented Deer-Vagino-Cam.

Like I said, my friend is weird.

After that harrowing experience, he went back to his house, which was an old farmhouse in need of repair. As he explained it to me, the repairs were not going well. All the Italian contractors were bipolar, and all the wood in the house was bi-Poplar. He said he came home after work one day and his baseboard molding told him to go have sex with his mother. Then it was really apologetic. Then he had to stay up with it all night convincing it the pantry door and window casing were not plotting against it.

Then he walked into his bedroom--and he swears this is true--he caught Act III of a five-way deer fuckfest. With the antlers and everything, they destroyed all of his furniture.

Anyway, he's since moved out of the country and into the suburbs and now complains about the squirrels fucking in his kitchen.

I think he should be committed, personally.

I nominate @kat1977 and @harpooninvestor