How To Write an Organically Trending and Popular Post

in #funny5 years ago

Good day to you, the reader of this.  My name is Mr. Himself and I'll be filling in for whoever called in sick today.

So you want to be successful?

NoNamesLeftToUse - Class.jpeg

We All Want a Taste

Because it smells so damn good.

When I was just a young cart pusher over at the local box store, I had dreams of someday becoming Lead Cart Pusher.

Not everyone has what it takes to be an LCP, but unfortunately, everyone thinks they do because the job looks so damn easy.

Sure, all you do is stand there and tell some spaced out kid with headphones glued onto his zits to grab these carts while letting that other dumbass high school dropout know he needs to go grab those carts and yeah sometimes you have to say, "I said a fifteen minute break one half hour ago!  Where the hell were you!  Go stop that bottle picker from stealing our bread and butter; now!"

"I don't care if he has a knife!"

"Do you value your job here at the store or not!"

"You'll never be an LCP with that attitude!"

ahhh.png

Whoa!  Sorry about that, students.  I guess I started to have flashbacks or something.

That job really messed me up and it doesn't help when those little voices start saying it was easy.

Where were we?

Why am I here today?  What is this class?

How To Write an Organically Trending and Popular Post

Another fucking Steemit course?  Are you serious?

Alright

I got this.

How to do whatever the fuck you came here to learn today:

  1. Think of something to write about.
  2. Write what you thought about.
  3. Fix your fuck ups.
  4. Press the post button.
  5. Keep doing that every fucking day for two years or more.

Maybe you'll do good, maybe you won't.

Do you want me to teach you how to write, too?

Mr. Himself?

Yes?

I spent my rent money on this course.  Are you planning on teaching anything?

Oh!  You want to learn something, do you!

Well I'll have you know I took this job on short notice.  Those assholes called me up at three in goddamn morning, while I was drunk out my mind, listening to ACDC, and crying about how I got so damn old!

I woke up ten minutes ago and didn't even know what day it was!  This place is lucky I live in the basement!

If you want to learn something, we'll watch this film about Woodchucks.  Get out your notepads!

There!

Are you happy!  Feeling smart?

Now you can leave here and talk about woodchucks all goddamn day!

You're welcome!

Class dismissed.

linebreak1
Credits:
Youtube video linked to source.
All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me.
NoNamesLeftToUse Outro.png
"Substitute teacher pay sucks so you better not forget to vote!"

© 2018 @NoNamesLeftToUse.  All rights reserved.

Sort:  

My dog once came galloping out of the trees shaking a woodchuck in his shepard jaws, I yelled at him and he dropped it- but ol' woody was now suffering when I should have just let Shadow finish the job, quick snap of the neck...I thought I should put it out of its misery, but I was too much of a girl so I ended up making my little brother bash its head with a rock.

Thanks for bringing back such a traumatic memory Mr. Himself!

You're welcome and thanks for contributing to Woodchuck Heaven.

Lol, on to the next life!

Buddha's name be blessed

Posted using Partiko Android

ahahahahahahaha, you all so sick

"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly" - Mortcia Addams.

Posted using Partiko Android

How many woodchucks, could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

...

Maybe you'll do good, maybe you won't.

3. Fix your fuck ups.

...
Well,

Yeah, that's it.

Well, not good.

You expected an actual comment after the well? What do you think this is, reddit?

We don't do actual content here, be it in posts or in comments.

By the way, I may need some help with Step 4

Also, if they want to learn something, they should just go here.

ACDC, eh? not too bad, though there are better.

and how much is substitute teacher pay?

and why am I still writing?

You didn't raise your hand first.

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I don't think I have ever seen an answer to this lifelong question. Have you? I also now have YOU to thank for getting that rhyme into my head for the next 4 hours........

DAMIT JIM! Ohhph's wrong show......... :D

thanks for the laugh!

Based on forty hour work week, the answer is twelve.

Thanks for laughing at me!

A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

...

Duh!

But yeah, you could try posting the question on musing to see if you get any good answers, just be warned: I may do it first.

I saw your comment on Joe's video and it's made this post even better and I appreciate u a lot more. Stay classy, Mr Himself.

Also I was under the impression that Mr doesn't need a full stop. Am I wrong?

Posted using Partiko Android

No, you're right. It's the same as color and colour though. Both are correct.

That comment... I spoke of my experience but I know damn well nearly everyone who's producing actual content is sick of being upstaged by ads. Who tunes in to the commercial channel on television? Why do we have ad blockers? Imagine what Youtube would be today if all they did was put ads front and center instead of offering everyone the skip button. They made DVR so people could fast forward through commercials on television. How much more backwards can it get here? That's my biggest pet peeve if not my ONLY pet peeve with this place. The ads (which is EVERY post that uses bots, regardless of content) hold everyone back.

Yeah I used to get super excited for my dtube friends when i saw a big figure and thought a whale gave them a big upvote, then i realized it was botted haha.

Thanks for the clarification with Mr. As well. #SteemOn

Posted using Partiko Android

I used the funny tag, so of course after a bit of time I check my standings on the funny trending page. I get so fucking depressed. The stuff high above me is rarely actually funny, no comments or conversation, huge fake rewards. The same thing happens with art. Before the bots, I was in the top five highest paid producers of art posts on the entire platform, all time. I worked so hard for that. The instant bots came, I lost all momentum. I've just been clawing at the same wall ever since and it's been devastating. Most of the artists who bumped my work down in the past, they're gone. They didn't even make money here. They just stole the show and made someone else money. Most of the artists I used to try to support with votes also quit because they also lost all momentum. It's been frustrating watching this happen and most days, even though things go well, I feel like I'm not even welcome here.

You are welcome but then again I find your stuff super unique so it may be harder for you to connect to niches.

Damn these bots to hell. I wanna get to rep level 70 all natural, baby

Posted using Partiko Android

It's unique. I know. I expect things to be a bit of struggle because of that. I could easily switch up and write your typical blog post and use the free to use images like everyone else. I don't like blending in though. I noticed you do some of the same things as me. Your covers for instance. Always bright, flashy. That's smart.

By covers I hope u mean thumbnails, cause I don't sing haha.

Your blogs always are entertaining and I dig how u screw with the format and break 4th walls all the time. All the best mate, lemme know if you're at steemfest this year. Would love to meet up in person.

Thumbnails, covers; same shit. Maybe I'll start calling it the packaging.

No steemfest for me this year. Maybe next year.

I want that woodchuck video narrator's voice. It's one of those voices that can make anything sound like serious business, even a video about Canadian wildlife.

When I worked in retail, I recall being reprimanded about how I wouldn't "get anywhere in the company" with my attitude. This was toward the end of a (very) deliberately temporary working arrangement.

It was one of those times when I thought of a great retort a couple hours later but it was too late. Not to be robbed of my opportunity, I decided to lie in future tellings of the story and say that I actually said something like: "I sure as hell hope not."

So, that's what I did. Yep. I didn't mumble a half-assed apology and drop whatever complaint I was pursuing. I stood right there and I delivered that line, exactly like that. Then, the entire place burst out into applause. The manager burst into tears and quit his job, and my fellow labourers hoisted me upon their shoulders and declared me their god-monarch.

It was a good day.

Retail is tough and there's always that manager on a power trip who will gladly put their lack of common sense on display, daily.

Wow, your experience reminds me of the time I ordered a coffee with one cream, and they gave me a coffee with no cream. I yelled, made a big scene like a normal person, everyone apologized to me, quit their jobs, and put ME in charge. I sold that business the next day and bought a skyscraper.

Thanks, you're right. I am starting and sometimes I stay in the air without knowing if what I want to write will like others, and I have seen that some write about nothing in reality. I love your style.

You can do whatever you want here. Not everyone will like what you do. That's life though, so don't worry about them. I wrote as Mr. Himself today. A character I created. It's really no different than someone creating their on camera persona with the smiles and upbeat personality. We all know people act differently behind the scenes. Everyone creates characters. Like I said though, you can do whatever you want.

This reminds me of that one time I was working as a grocery stocker. The grocery manager took me into his office one night and was like,

Listen to me, @nuthman. (He said it just like that) I've noticed you working really hard around here. When I was your age, I was like you. I just want to ask you one question. How much money do you think I make, son.

I stared at him for like 2 minutes, and then threw out a figure. $25K per year?

Then he looked back at me with a really serious face. After a long pause he replied HIGHER!

So then I said, I dunno.. $28?

Finally his face turned red and he blurted out angrily: $38k!!! I make $38K per year son. And I just wanted to let you know that I am promoting you to manager of frozen foods. I think after about 15 years of hard work and dedication, you could be where I am today boy. Here is your new badge. Now get out there and show me what your worth! And don't piss off your new underling, she's on her period!

I shit you not, this is exactly how the convo went down.

In life, long ago, I was the I don't really give a shit, just do a good job and try not to make my life shitty kind of manager. I got bored of that career though, a few years ago. Blew my retirement savings on living, enjoyed some time off when most at that age are just getting started.

Yeah, I have been working from home for the past 10 years or so. My only fear is having to go work for someone again. I would join a buddhist monestary before going back to that life again!

I am really sick of working. Maybe I just won't do it anymore. Like the guy on office space.

That dude from Office Space is my hero.

hehe Yeah, Peter rocks.

Did you know that an adult woodchuck may weigh up to 17 pounds? I didn't before reading this post.

Got your moneys worth. That's good!

Rumor has it that there are courses one can buy that share Steem secrets to riches. They are super secret though which is why you has to buy de course to know what dey is. Seeing as I like your posts, I will tell you a couple of de secrets, but they're just between us.

*looks around nervously to make sure no one can hear...

You buy lots of Steem and then you send them to these other accounts that are robots. These robots then give you most of your Steem back (cause they like you for sending them all that Steem) and then when people who don't know what is going on see all that money on your post they think you are super cool. Everyone wants to be around someone that is super cool, so they will follow you and vote for you. It doesn't matter that they have dust votes because so many dust votes add up to a real vote and before you know it for a hundred, two hundred Steem you start getting like .04 or maybe even .05 dust votes accumulated, well on your way to riches.

Don't tell no one though, this information is so powerful only a select few who buy the courses know about it. And us.

Your secret is safe with me. I look forward to duping people into thinking I am Mr. Big-Deal. This is going to be great!

that's a very cool secret, hey!
"dust votes" of "super cool guys" :D

pardon for being politically incorrect:
this sort of "secret techniques" rather associates with ...
some sort of "selfie" (i.e. autofellatio)
or a "bleisure" = business + pleasure. LOL

Coin Marketplace

STEEM 0.35
TRX 0.12
JST 0.040
BTC 70625.87
ETH 3563.07
USDT 1.00
SBD 4.71