_{@NoNamesLeftToUse The Writer/Artist Himself has all the answers.}

^{I have many years of experience and would now like to share some wisdom with you:}

The Reader of This

Greetings

^{My name is Mr. Himself. You have a nice ass.}

Today I'd like to talk about a few things. Unfortunately, I'm behind a keyboard and my voice is useless to you so I'll have to write it down instead. I do hope you can forgive me for my misfortunes.

Have you ever noticed how nobody notices you?

I have. It's annoying. I want to kill those people. I just want to grab their necks, squeeze, and maybe shake them so their heads bob around because I think that looks cool.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling you're just like me. It's not the police's attention you'd like, just five minutes of some random strangers time would suffice, but if you go around killing them, there will be nobody left to complain to.

Some Days I Wake Up With An Erection

^{Why can't life give me a boner like that? So bored...}

It is never considered polite to have sex with a banana on a bus. Though people will look and you will get attention; again, that's the wrong kind of attention, and the pills they sell to fix that sort of problem are becoming increasingly more and more expensive. To save money, do things like that at home, with the blinds closed, and in front of a webcam to entertain online perverts who have a fruit fetish.

I realize it's 2018 and fruit isn't just for salad anymore but please stop shoving bananas up your ass in public. There's nothing good that will ever come out of that.

Stuffing a bra with oranges and squeezing your fake tits at the mall while offering people a "milk alternative" is highly frowned upon in our society as well. If you need to make orange juice, there are many more conventional methods such as buying that frozen canned stuff and adding water. Some people might enjoy watching you stir and if you do it really fast, your butt jiggles, and people like to see that. So if you're in need of attention and have a few empty juice pitchers laying around, just make some orange juice in public and sell that on the street corner instead of your private parts.

I've Been Picking Flowers All Day

^{Would you like to smell my fingers?}

No matter what you've been picking all day, most people, when approached and asked if they would like to smell your fingers, will assume it was your ass you've been picking.

Of course, if you have a wonderful fragrance you wish to share with the world, there must be a right way to go about doing this, right?

Yes!

If you are a woman, simply place your pleasant fragrance inside of a box and ask people if they would like to smell your box. If you're having a good hair day and don't feel fat in your pants, nine out of ten people will want to take a whiff because they are naturally attracted to confidence. So just believe in yourself, stop caring about what others think, get out there and share your smelly box with the world.

Men, do not ask people if they would like to smell your cock unless you are holding a rooster. In urban environments, most people will find that kind of cock appealing and might even say, "It's so cute!"

Just be sure to make your cock smell good before offering people a chance to smell it. Some cocks smell like barn and that's hard to mask. You can spray a few different colognes on different areas of your cock, then ask which one people like best. Just make sure your fragrance is safe for cocks. Some might cause cock burn which is a condition most cocks do not enjoy. Always be kind to your cock. Treat it like your best friend, give it a name, stroke it gently.

I hope this helps.

^{Unfortunately, I'm all out of time.}

Writing this today for you has been an enjoyable experience and I'm so glad I finally have a forum to share my wonderful information with you. I have been around the block and I think it's time I show the world what I'm made of, plus, you will be better at being you once you follow my instructions.

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

_{Disclaimer: I am not responsible for the brain damage you may have suffered after taking that shit seriously.
The intention here was humor. Even if you didn't find it funny and think I'm an idiot, you should probably vote because that still means I did a good job. Thank you.}

Credits: _{All images seen here were produced digitally, by me. "I hope I fixed your life today."}

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