The Six O'Clock News Translated Into Disconcertingly Frank Speech - Episode 10 (SATIRE)

What the news might be like without the use of deceptive euphemisms.  

Male Presstitute:  Good evening, passive followers, this is a half hour mind and emotion manipulation program sponsored by the corporatocracy.  I’m an overpaid teleprompter reader with an authoritative voice.     

Female Presstitute:  And I’m the comforting female figure with some added sex appeal, who also reads a teleprompter.    

Male Presstitute:  In our lead story, a smug extortion-funded character in a fancy suit announced today that new extortion methods will soon be implemented against those who commit victimless crimes known as traffic violations.  This program will use autonomous drones to find violators of petty traffic regulations, follow them home, and extort them in their driveway.  If the individual being extorted has no financial assets available, then they’ll be scooped up and sent to a forced work camp.  

The haughty member of the government gang who announced this also stated that this new system will streamline this facet of government extortion procedures and will reduce the need for order-following humans in uniforms.  When asked if this would cause greater unemployment and a backlash in the badge-toting order-follower gang, the smug character replied with a devilish grin, quote, “They should have thought about that before they joined a cult.”

Female Presstitute:  In other news, another strong Amish family was caught selling nutritious, healthy, organic food products by sniveling rights-violators called FDA agents.  The rights-violators swooped in and destroyed nearly all of the food and beverage, with the exception of a few bottles of raw milk, which were stolen by the FDA evildoers.  One of the FDA gang members involved in the violent suppression of goodness stated with a straight face, quote, “I can neither confirm nor deny if we drank the milk or filed it away as evidence.”  

A spokesperson for the FDA mob stated during a press conference that, quote, “Thanks to the billions of extorted dollars that support our evil efforts, we have today successfully rid the marketplace of small, independently produced farm products, and have aided corporate efforts to completely dominate the food supply with GMO filth”.    

Now for a quick message from one of our oiligarch sponsors.

Soothing Voice With Calming Background Music:    

Brytish Petrol, proud member of the oiligarchy for over 100 years wants to remind you how much we do for you.

Whether you like it or not…..

Know about it or not…..

For decades, Brytish Petrol has been leading the way in price fixing, energy monopolization, and degrading the environment.    

Now, with the help of other oiligarchs, we’re moving……

BEYOND PETROL……

Just as we helped manage and limit energy throughout the 20th century, we’ve committed even greater resources to centrally managing and restricting possibilities in the 21st century.    

We’ve helped pick technologies that will keep us in power, and keep you dependent in an austere future…...

From biofuels made from slave labor in Brazil…..

To inefficient wind farms that chop birds up……

And whatever else we decide with our self-appointed technocrat comrades to hand down to the populace and that we can control the supply of…...

Remember…..

BRYTISH PETROL

BEYOND PETROL

Male Presstitute:  Welcome back.  A self-satisfied, ignorant order-follower from the FBI mob announced today that the FBI had once again managed to foil one of their own terror plots.  While smugly grinning at a press conference, the extortion-funded FBI terror expert announced that, quote, “I’m happy to announce that another psychopath that was funded, trained, and equipped by members of the FBI cult, was tackled and thrown in a cage today.  This was done because we learned that this misguided dupe was on the verge of blowing stuff up and murdering people in a big city, just like he’d been trained to do by other members of the FBI."  

"This is a great victory in the war of terror, because now by scaring people with controlled terror, we can use that as a justification to extort more funds, violate more rights, and murder and cage more people in the future. I’ll also use this as an excuse to ask for a raise in my salary of violence backed federal reserve notes.  If you disagree with what I just said or find any of it contradictory or ask any questions, then you obviously hate freedom, apple pie, and fresh air.”

Female Presstitute:  The head of one of the foremost institutions dedicated to keeping humans unhealthy and in a low state of consciousness, The Department of Health and Human Services, made a hubris-filled announcement today.    

“The Department of Health and Human Services, with technology developed in secret black budget military facilities, and with funding from the Gates and Rockefeller foundations, is proud to announce a new project here in the USSA. An experimental chemical soup called a vaccine has yielded promising results in drastically reducing fertility in Africa, our control freak partners at the UN have informed us.  We can neither confirm nor deny if these experiments were carried out with the knowledge and consent of the people in Africa.”    

“Due to these findings, trial programs will be initiated in poor neighborhoods in New York, Miami, Chicago, and Los Angeles.  Those who are willing to be sterilized and participate will receive an extortion-funded Big Brother spying device called an Amazon Echo.  Our dark occult employers are super pleased because this will help achieve two anti-freedom and anti-life agendas; reducing the population of tax slaves and continuing to build the Total Information Awareness infrastructure that is so integral to complete dominance of the slave population and the ending of free will.”    

When asked to comment on this groundbreaking news, numerous dark occultists refused, but did snicker and cackle heartily.    

Male Presstitute:  Our final story tonight is from the world of overpaid athletes.  A guy that hits a ball with a bat and gets paid millions of violence-backed federal reserve notes for it signed a new contract today.  Details of the contract weren’t disclosed, but members of his entourage, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that it was certainly enough to make a down payment on a small island.  

The contract came despite an incident a few months ago, when the overpaid athlete beat numerous bystanders mercilessly at a shady nightclub during a fit of roid-rage.  He was found not guilty of anything after his army of overpriced, morally relativistic team of word-twisting lawyers made a back room deal with a dude in a black gown called a judge.   In spite of these recent events, this overpaid egomaniac’s popularity has soared in recent polls, which some people argue says a lot about the state of humanity.  

Female Presstitute:  That’s all of the absurd social engineering propaganda we’re going to bombard your brain with tonight. Stay tuned for covert propaganda via sitcoms and dramas.  Goodnight.    

Thanks for your time and attention!

Just say "NO" to slavery!

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