What the news would be like without the use of deceptive euphemisms.  

Male Presstitute:  Good evening, passive followers, this is a half hour mind and emotion manipulation program sponsored by the corporatocracy.  I’m an overpaid teleprompter reader with an authoritative voice.     

Female Presstitute:  And I’m the comforting female figure with some added sex appeal, who also reads a teleprompter.    

Male Presstitute: Coming up in a couple of days, two of the most well-known psychopaths in the world will meet in a tiny, overpriced police state called Singapore.  These two extortion-funded pawns of the corporate oligarchy, Donald Trump and Kim Jung Un, will meet to discuss various topics.  It is speculated that the topics will include following a timetable for a mass murder called war that has been given to them by their corporate controllers, new violently enforced economic policies that will please the Rothschilds, their favorite places to stay in Switzerland, and Trump’s golf swing.  

An extortion-funded criminal close to Trump also stated that Trump secretly is envious of the absolute mind-control Un has over his obedient, poverty-stricken populace, and wants to know Un’s recipe for despotic success.  There is also speculation that Dennis Rodman will be on hand to help them enjoy a night of extortion-funded debauchery and sadistic mayhem. This is a momentous occasion for the violent collectivism known as democracy, and anyone who disagrees is a freedom hating terrorist.    

Female Presstitute: In other news, a free human was violently kidnapped, extorted, and thrown in a cage at gunpoint by rights-violators in uniforms called police.  An unnamed authoritarian speaking on behalf of the order-following cult of police said that the free human was collecting rainwater, producing electricity, gardening, and attempting to be self-sufficient.  

The authoritarian also stated that such attempts at self-sufficiency are, quote, “Anti-social behavior and a threat to resource monopolies everywhere, so what the extortion-funded people in uniforms did was great for the scientific dictatorship, as well as my own personal job security.  If you don’t like it, then you’re an eco-terrorist.”   End quote.  It can neither be confirmed nor denied if the authoritarian just quoted has received extensive funding from energy and agricultural corporations.    

Male Presstitute: We’ll be back with more, after this quick psychological manipulation from one of our evil sponsors.

Chipper Female Voice:  Feeling unfulfilled? Life as a tax slave got ya down? Need a quick rush of adrenaline from buying something you don’t need?   

Look no further!  You can find anything your indoctrinated mind desires at…..

STOLEN-BY-TSA.COM !!! 

THAT’S RIGHT!!! STOLEN-BY-TSA.COM has a bigger selection of superficial delights than Amazon and Craigslist  COMBINED!   

If you’ve got an unyielding, unquenchable yearning for used stuff like 

Shampoo 

Toothpaste 

Hair Gel 

Hair Spray 

Lotions 

Lubricants 

Mineral Water 

Pudding Cups 

Pepto Bismol 

Pedialyte

Then STOLEN-BY-TSA.COM IS FOR YOU!!!

But that’s not all!!! 

TSA has been stealing data from hard drives and phones for years, and we’re selling that at rip-off prices, too! But the gouging doesn’t stop there! Millions of naked body scanner images are available, too!  There’s nothing we don’t steal, so there’s nothing we don’t sell!   

So don’t wait! Go to STOLEN-BY-TSA.COM and find a HOT used item today!

Female Presstitute:  Welcome back.  It was announced today by a grinning control freak in an expensive suit that the absurd mafia of ignorant rights-violators at airports known as the TSA will be expanding operations. They are hiring a fresh wave of bossy people who love to wallow in ignorance, gibber, steal, and get radiated all day.  The grinning control freak who made this announcement stated that this is being done because the newly created stolen-by-tsa.com merchandise racket has really taken off, and hiring more thieves in uniforms was the only way to keep up with demand for hot stuff.   

Male Presstitute:  A top psychopath from an influential totalitarian think tank known as the CFR, gave high praise to  the CIA’s vast terrorist network in the Middle East.  He said that without murderous marauders in street clothes, full spectrum dominance in the region would not be possible.  The group he was referring to goes by various names, such as Al-Qaeda, ISIS, Al-Nusra, Blackwater, and The Mossad.  

The morally relativistic psycho said that while certain members of this covert criminal hydra have been great allies in the ongoing mass slaughter throughout the Middle East, other order-followers from this same murderous cult have played the role of controlled opposition against the camouflage wearing gang known as the US Military.  The CFR criminal also lauded the ever-increasing heroin production in Afghanistan, which he said was an indispensable linchpin in funding this dark criminal nexus.    

Female Presstitute:  Finally, in a bit of lighter news to take your mind away from all the fear and horror we just pummeled you with.  Coming up this Thursday, June 14, is the start of the World Cup soccer tournament in Russia.  People with extremely lame priorities have been spending millions of violence backed fraud notes to buy tickets to the event, in order to see overpaid athletes kick a ball into a net.  Others have spent lots of fake mon-eye on new tell-lie-visions.  The goal is the same for all of these passive spectators, though, and that’s to divert their attention away from things they find unpleasant, like real life.    

Male Presstitute:  That’s all of the absurd social engineering propaganda we’re going to bombard your brain with tonight.  Stay tuned for covert propaganda via sitcoms and dramas.  Goodnight.    

Thanks for your time and attention!

Just say "NO" to slavery!

Top image is from pixabay

Image of 2 psychopaths is from wikimedia commons

TSA stolen item bin image courtesy of flickr