The latest and greatest game show to help keep humanity in an obedient trance!

Scene:  A raucous crowd cheers.  Spotlights, strobe lights, and neon sparkles dazzle.  A smoke machine mystifies.  Stepping onto the stage, a clownish version of a ken doll, Captain Smiley, struts around to greet the adoring onlookers.  This is the live, international broadcast of……

The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show!

Captain Smiley:  Greetings, all you millions of passive consumers of info out there! Welcome to everyone’s favorite bread and circus extravaganza of the 21st century, The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show! I’m your host, Captain Smiley!

Crowd chants “Smiley, Smiley, Smiley!”

Captain Smiley:  Let’s go ahead and meet our contestants, a couple from Chattahoochee, Florida, Chris and Tiff Smith! (turns to face contestants) Why don’t you two tell the world a little about your routine existence in Chattahoochee?

Chris:  Well, I’m a debt-strapped, unemployed college grad.  I’m an expert in the art of channel surfing and welfare loopholes.    
Captain Smiley:  How industrious!

Chris:  Oh, and I love beer in a can!
Captain Smiley (ironic grin):  I’m glad you squeaked that last bit of crucial info into your bio.    

Tiff:  And I’m a principal at an elementary school.
Captain Smiley:  Do you also enjoy beer in a can?

Tiff:  Oh, no! Not me! I’d never touch that stuff!
Captain Smiley: You’re above that.

Tiff:  I’m more into wine coolers.  Ya know, like Bartles and James? You know em?

Captain Smiley:  Unfortunately, yes. Ok, let’s not keep the world waiting. Let’s play! In case you need a reminder, here are the rules! You’ll have to pass 3 tests, which could be in the form of trivia, a question, or in the form of a dangerous and dubious task.  If you pass all 3, you win a million violence-backed federal reserve notes! If you don’t, well, you get a lot less! Are you ready?!

Tiff:  We’ve been cramming with the home board game version of the show for months!
Captain Smiley:  That really says something! (rolls eyes) Ok, the fist test is a multiple choice trivia question.    

In the recent “Iron Man” film series, what actor plays the character “Iron Man”.

A.  Martin Short 

B.  Will Ferrell 

C.  Matthew Broderick 

D.  Robert Downey Jr. 

Tiff:   I know you know this Chris! All that time you spend on the couch is bout to pay off!
Chris:  I know it! You know it, too, Tiff! But I’ll go ahead.  It’s Robert Downey Jr.!

Captain Smiley:  Chris, who says that knowing boatloads of useless, trivial data doesn’t pay! You’re correct!

Sirens blare, fireworks pop and sparkle, crowd cheers fanatically.

Captain Smiley:   Ok next up is a dangerous and dubious task.  I’ll need one of you to volunteer before I tell you what the task is.

Tiff:  Chris, I should go, cuz you got the first one right.   
Chris:  Naw, I got this! I’m on a roll!

Captain Smiley:  I wasn’t aware that one correct answer constituted being on a roll! Ok, Miss Robota (motions to female humanoid robot) please bring out the necessary items for our dangerous and dubious task!   

Miss Robota rolls out a cart with a huge stack of Ho-Ho snack cakes.

Captain Smiley:  Chris, step right up! There are 30 weaponized pieces of fake food, called Ho-Hos, on that cart! To pass this test, you’ll have to eat all 30 in 60 seconds or less!   

Chris:  Man, those are my favorite! Sometimes I binge eat those while I’m sleepwalkin!
Tiff:  He does! It’s quite the show!

Captain Smiley (grimacing):  Wow, TMI…..Ok, then, this task should be a piece of cake! Pun not intended! Go ahead and get in position, Chris!

Chris steps up to the Ho-ho filled cart.   A jumbotron above the stage shows a huge 60, ready to start the countdown.

Captain Smiley:  Ok, Chris.  Go!

Chris starts feverishly inhaling Ho-Hos.  Fake chocolate begins to smear randomly across his face and fingers.  The crowd starts chanting, “Chris...Chris...Chris!”   

Tiff (passionate screaming):  You go, baby! I told my family your binge eating would pay off someday! You show em, baby!

Chris begins to turn red and breath heavily.  The jumbotron reads 6 seconds left, and he’s got 2 Ho-Hos to go.  In one final burst of adrenaline, Chris shoves both into his mouth and greedily munches his way closer to one million violence-backed federal reserve notes.  He swallows.  The clock flips to zero.  A buzzer sounds, Chris collapses, colorful fireworks blast, and the crowd goes into a frenzy.   

Captain Smiley:  Wow! What a display of shamelessly abusing one’s body for the chance to win pieces of violence-backed paper! A truly astonishing display of misguided will power! He just ate nearly 900 grams of sugar in one minute! Call Guiness! That’s gotta be a record, if he survives! 

Chris lays motionless on stage.

Captain Smiley:  Miss Robota, get him to the back and have our medical team pump his stomach immediately! We can’t afford another lawsuit!   

Miss Robota hustles Chris off stage.

Tiff:  Are you sure he’s gonna be ok, cap’n?
Captain Smiley:  Well, I’m sure they’ll have his stomach pumped in no time and he’ll be fine.    

Nervous guy in dark suit runs onto the stage and whispers in Smiley’s ear, then runs away.

Captain Smiley:  I’ve just been informed by a member of our notorious legal team that I can neither confirm nor deny that Chris will be ok, thus negating my previous statement.  Ok, on that cheery note, it’s time for a commercial break from one of our oligarch sponsors!

Deep Dramatic Voice:  Don’t miss a new episode of the most popular reality TV show ever, “People On The Couch”, next Sunday on PSN! “People On The Couch” takes you where your couch isn’t, inside the sedentary existence of other couch-dwellers! Watch other people talk about nonsense, eat junk food, drink alcohol, avoid taking any important actions, and much more, on the couch! Don’t miss the next episode of “People On The Couch” next Sunday! Only on PSN!   

Captain Smiley:  Welcome back to the show, all you passive consumers of entertainment out there! It’s now down to the final test, for one million violence-backed federal reserve notes! (turns to Tiff) It’s all up to you, Tiff.  Are you ready?

Tiff:  I’m nervous, cap’n, but I’m ready! Just one answer and I can quit my job that I hate!

Captain Smiley (faces camera):  To the good people of Chattahoochee, I’m sure she doesn’t hate being a school principal! She’s just got jitters!
Tiff: Nope, I really hate my job!

Captain Smiley:  You know this is live, right? Anyway, Tiff, the final test is a multiple choice question.

In the shaping of the human experience, meaning whether we experience freedom or slavery, there are 2 components.  The component of Moral Law is deterministic, and cannot be changed or controlled by humans.  What is the name of the second component, that is controlled by humans, which is random?

A.  Solipsism 

B.  Predestination 

C.  Science 

D.  Free Will

Tiff (nervous, hands flailing):  Oh, I wish Chris were here.  He knows all that science-fiction stuff! I knew I should have watched that last Star Wars movie with him!

Captain Smiley:  This isn’t a question about science fiction. 

Tiff:  It’s not? (pause) Well, it doesn’t matter.  I’ll have to guess anyway.  I guess that science is controlled by humans, so that makes the most sense to me.  I’ll answer “C”, science is the random, uh, whatever you just said.    

Captain Smiley:  Awww, I’m so sorry, Tiff! That is incorrect! The correct answer is “D”, Free Will.  Free Will is the random component of creating our human experience.  If it’s any consolation, I’m sure Chris doesn’t know that, either! Most people don’t! And Tiff, you’re not going home empty handed.  You’re going to receive a lifetime supply of Ho-Hos! I’m sure Chris will appreciate that, if he survives.    

Crowd cackles collectively.   

Captain Smiley (turns to face camera):  That’s it for tonight’s show! Stay tuned for more distractions! Until next time, world! 

Thanks for your time and attention!

Just say "NO" to slavery!

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