That Time Nixon and His Buddies Invented the EPA (Fictional History, May Include Offensive Language)

I once imagined a fictional conversation between Richard Nixon and a couple of his big industry buddies.

During this fictional conversation, they were talking about fishing with dynamite, but ended up talking about creating the Environmental Protection Agency, and thus came up with a way to keep on industrially polluting the planet without getting in any trouble from the people who live on it.

I thought the scenario would make a good comedy skit, but the more I thought about it, the less funny it seemed.

The skit would have been set in a dimly-lit office with liquor and cigars, and a few suits and ties around a big table. During the meeting, President Nixon comes up with a way to take some of the public heat off of the giant corporate entities owned by his friends at the table there, old buddies who happened to be some of the heaviest polluters on Earth at the time. He calls his new idea the "Environmental Protection Agency", and everybody is stunned and confused for a second, then they all laugh their asses off.

I thought it sounded kinda funny too when I heard him say it in my head.

Was it funny though? Maybe it was too sad to be funny, or too realistic, and I realized that I know almost nothing about Richard Nixon, or any other presidents for that matter. How could I write with any authority about something that I know nothing about?

I Was Just a Child Then

I was just a kid when Nixon was around, and I only knew what the US televisions told the grown-ups to believe. We kids were already bored with presidents anyway. Our only references to President Nixon were what the comics and MAD Magazine said about him, and it seemed like he was only on TV once, that I could recall, telling his fellow Americans that he wasn't a 'crook'.

That one phrase, "I am not a crook", was all I really knew about Richard Nixon, President of the United States.

Based on what I know about Nixon these years later (still nothing), I started writing my EPA skit anyway, but the President's language was so bad, I again wondered if I should scrap the idea of making a comedy skit about him. "F this" and "GD that" thrown in every three effing words was too cliche, or perhaps too endearing.

Language!

They say that Richard Nixon used a lot of foul language, but then, they used to say a lot of bad things about Nixon. Maybe it was all true, and maybe he was a terrible person, but it's hard for me to tell, since again, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Vintage Fake News?

Since we now have a better understanding of the national press and it's ability to manipulate public opinion, and we know of the news organizations and their habit of skewing the truth with 'fake news', we must now ask: was Nixon really a bad guy? Considering how badly he was condemned towards the end of his presidency, logic would suggest that he was actually a cool guy who loved nature, and was possibly a man who loved peace, life and all of humanity.

Peace! ... Seriously!

A lot of people still believe the EPA is a beneficial agency, and even though Nixon is credited with it's creation, it sounds beneficial and good. Maybe it is a good organization, what do I know?

I don't even really know what it is that the EPA is supposed to do. Maybe impose fines on the industries even while the government keeps those same industries afloat with Federal subsidies? Both publicly fined and federally funded? I dunno.

My trouble is, I've come to believe that all of the big Federal government agencies are merely Public Relations firms for giant private industries. I thought this was obvious, but people get visibly uncomfortable whenever I suppose that all Federal Agencies are only there to give the illusion of Federal authority, and are actually owned by some ungodly weapons manufactures or slick oil firms, hell bent on sustaining that illusion.

Anyway, I started writing the skit, using what little I know about Nixon and the EPA, so if you like, have a look at what I've written so far:

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Nixon Creates the EPA (WARNING: Includes Bad Language and Made-up Facts)

[Dimly-lit room, cigars, liquor, etc:]

NIXON: "Goddamn, fuck hell, goddamnit?"

ENERGY GIANT: "Alright Tricky Dick, you've either said too much, or too little... spill it, my wormy little friend!"

NIXON: "Fuck, goddamn fucking fuck, hell fuckety fuck, assholes."

MEDIA MOGUL: "I like where you're going with this. We make it look like you are punishing the big polluters by fining them heavily, as if you were cleaning up the world with your 'Environmental Protection Racket', ... I like it!

NIXON: "Fuck, shit hell." Cunt hell, fuck."

MEDIA MOGUL: "Sorry; Environmental Protection 'AGENCY', not a racket, of course."

ENERGY GIANT: "Dick, lemme git this straight. You say your 'EPA' will fine us for every ounce of pollution that we spew out of our factories, but then you'll hand us even more public money to keep us in business at the same time we raise our prices, under the guise of National Security? You sneaky little weasel, it's going to appear like you care for the environment, as if you were... what's the word... eco-logical!"

NIXON: [crushes out cigar butt on a live kitten, and stands up] "Fuck shit, shit hell, goddamn fuck."

MEDIA MOGUL: "That would be funny, but no, you don't get to choose what we say about you, Nixon. Anyway, you really don't want them to know that the EPA was your idea, 'cause then they'll hate it, just because you thought of it. In fact, you might even consider presenting your EPA to the public by strongly opposing it, to give the new agency some fuel from your own loyal opposition."

NIXON: "Fucking hell!"

MEDIA MOGUL: "Watch, we'll have all those nature-lovers embracing your EPA like it's a magic rainbow tree, just leave that to us."

Somebody opens a bottle of champaign which has been chilling in a tub of frozen baby seals, and they all toast to Nixon's new EPA idea as the scene fades.

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all events depicted above are meant as parody and comedy, and should not be taken as actual historic occurrences. Images used in this article provided by Wikimedia Commons

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