Dear Diary: The Things That Are Punishing Me

Most of my days are not comfortable, being pinned down in bed 24/7 is no joke for the obvious reasons especially in hot days where my bed lined gets wet in sweat so more often I would use my flour cloth blanket or one of my used t-shirts to absorbs the perspiration.

What is punishing me is when it is near my dialysis session as I am already full of water in my body. My body is screaming to get some relief like a man wanting to use the toilet because of the strong urge to poop. After dialysis I feel like a wimp balloon because even my hands had shriveled like raisins.

Source

Toxin build-up also contributes a lot about my discomfort, it makes my mouth get a taste perversion. Nausea is what I am battling through especially on the days near dialysis where sometimes I could not eat anymore which I am fighting with forcing myself to eat because I do not want to lose weight anymore.

Basically all my life's days of existence is just a punishment for me because I had never felt okay. It is just I am fighting for my existence and trying to achieve a set of goals that I think is just madness. The only thing that I wanted was for people around me to not lose hope but some people never had fought beside me while some just gave up at a sight of me.

So it is not really nice to have people around me that are not as brave as I am with dealing with my medical impediments because it also causes me to lose hope. But as long as I can do it I am not losing hope because I am still alive and a lot of things still can happen in my future with the help of the grace of God.