Loving myself: Apologizing, Forgiving, Trusting

After an intensely healing weekend I was gifted a copy of a poem by Nayyirah Waheed:

This divinely chosen poem was exactly right for me at this time, and I have been meditating on it over the last week. There is so much that my body does for me, that I have done to my body, and that I have allowed to happen to my body.

Every day when I read this I am renewing my commitment to listen closely and honor what my body needs and wants. And I can feel the healing power of apologizing to my body, but it feels like there's some healing piece still missing...

Yesterday I was sitting by a small lake having a very late brunch with a friend and we got to talking about life, love, fear, and forgiveness. I was sharing about my experience of feeling both like I want to forgive people who have done things that have hurt me, while at the same time feeling like I want/need to not forgive them. The unforgiving part of me fears that if I give someone forgiveness, then I would be giving in to the mistruth that what they did was okay, when it truly wasn't.

My friend shared their philosophy on this, saying something along the lines of:

"If you don't forgive someone, who is that really hurting?
It's not them."

At first I felt resistance to this idea, thinking that forgiveness would necessitate reconnecting with the person in order to give them that forgiveness. But with some time to integrate this, it seems to me that offering myself the act of forgiving someone doesn't mean I now see their behavior as okay... no, I can let go of the connection to that pain by forgiving.

And I don't even have to tell anyone that I forgive them! I don't need to share my internal process of forgiveness - it can be for me!

My friend also presented the idea that letting go of pain and harm by forgiving doesn't mean I will forget the lessons I learned by going through that painful experience. In other words, the knowledge and wisdom I have now isn't going to go away just because I forgave. Nope, that's going to stick with me. What I don't need to stick with me is the pain that prevents me from being truly free and fearless.

Photo by Stan Shebs

An analogy:
If you are pierced by a thorny branch, does it do any good to slap the branch away and hold a grudge against that branch? No, of course not. If you do that it will actually hurt more: physically because the thorns will really get you if you smack at them, and also emotionally because if you are holding on to your anger and pain then you aren't really healing. If you acknowledge the pain and forgive the thorny plant, not only will you integrate the knowledge of how to interact in a less painful way in the future, but your body will also be able to return to a state of freedom with greater awareness.

This morning I happened upon a video that really brought this home for me:

FREEDOM! Yes. I like this. A lot.

It occurs to me that along with apologizing to my body, I can also forgive myself. This seems like the way to continue healing and rebuild trust.

This is an ongoing journey, and sometimes it does really hurt. But I'm inspired to keep moving, being, and creating my most attuned and courageous self.

Today I make a few commitments to my body:

I will dance
I will stretch
I will walk
I will run,
bike,
move
eat
drink
speak
in ways that serve my highest self
to feel
to be
empowered
creative
inspired
free!

Thank you body.
I am sorry.
I forgive you.
I trust you.
I love you.