The Ride of Creating a Community Marketplace and Some Personal Reflection

So in just a few months @homesteaderscoop has surpassed @sagescrub in rank, what it took me over a year to accomplish in my personal account. I prefer not to think of myself as a number because it is too simple to distill my being down to 2 digits. And yet there is some truth in the number as metrics of interaction and reception on this blockchain.

And I recognize that Homesteaders Co-op, being about the people that it serves, is much bigger than myself. In my own insecurities I have often looked down on myself and felt quite small. Ironic because physically I am taller than average. It could be easy to look at a number and feel that the number is small, just as it is easy to look at myself, or feel into myself and feel that I am small, vulnerable, weak or insignificant.

Similarly when I look at Homesteaders Co-op I can either be so excited about what has unfolded and all the opportunities that lie in front of us, or I can be overwhelmed by what may seem like an endless list of actions that need to get done.

The feeling of needing to do something can drive me to feel more insecure, especially if there is an endless list of needs. I suppose I could call it a hungry need monster. That need might be attached to an emotion in my body or a voice in my head.

I can look at myself as an individual and feel that I am so small, in comparison - the comparison is what leads me to separate myself from who or what I am comparing myself to. But that is just an idea that I formed in my head, around a concept of need. Need to be better, need to get more done, need to satisfy some urgency, need to be happier.

I can also look both at myself and through myself simultaneously, recognizing my individuality while I see myself as part of a whole. Figuratively speaking, there is a light that runs through me and through others. If I can follow this light with my imagination I can see through myself and follow myself through others. I can feel myself as I feel others - and that feeling can expand outwards while radiating inwards, engulfing all in light.

When I breathe I can share the same lungs as my co-inhabitants. I can see through the same eyes as my human kin. I share the voice of my strange friends.

While I take on more responsibility I grow into a child. I learn to let go of the need - the need to be adult, the need to be perfect, and the need for control. I am already what I am.

The last thing I want to do with a good feeling is control it. The tighter I hold, trying to get closer to the core of the idea, of that good feeling, farther along my path, deeper into the insight, higher in my dreams, wanting, needing - the more constricted that feeling will get. Letting go is an act of inaction. A forgetting of holding on to an idea of need. That need is embedded deep in my body, disguised and clutching for control.

There really is control in my life, and I really feel a need. And so I choose to place an intention to walk towards balance, expansion and inclusion - in my own being, in my body and mind - which I am glad to have shared with you today. Thank you for reading along.

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