Who the fuck are you?

The day before yesterday, at 10 o'clock in the morning, I was standing in front of the entrance of an old apartment block in my hometown. I had a key in my pocket and that key belonged to the front door of an apartment precariously situated on the third floor of that apartment block. I walked up the main entrance and tried to push the door open. I was previously informed that the door would be, as it usually is, open. Turns out it was not. The sun was shining, extra bright that day and I was already on full perspiration mode by the second knock on the entrance door. There was no answer, as usually there isn't in such situations. I quickly evaluated my position. I could continue knocking, maybe ring a bell, maybe take a walk around the building in search for another entrance or I could just get up and leave.

I knocked, several times. My situation remained unchanged. I rang all the bells on all floors at least three times. Still, my situation remained unchanged. I took a sip out of my water bottle and wiped the sweat from my forehead with my hand. I decided to walk around the building. I walked around, taking careful notice of all the locked and shut doors and windows. By the time I had finished my third walk around I was already tired, frustrated, slightly angry and laden with sweat. I decided to ring the bells one last time.

Still, my situation remained unchanged. I took my sandwich out of my pocket, removed the cling film from the top and took a big hefty bite. I heard some shuffling from behind the door and before I had time to properly masticate on my BLT chunk the entrance door opened.

An old man wearing blue shorts, a white wifebeater decorated with sauce stains and leather sandals appeared in the doorway. His large brown watery eyes quickly scanned me from top to bottom.

"Hey, hi", I said with a mouth still full of mono-saturated goodness.

The old man wrinkled his nose.

"Who the fuck are you?", he said in a low rolling drawl.

I smiled because it was the best I could do at the moment. The old man blinked once, coughed and raised a chubby hairy finger towards my face.

"Is that lettuce stuck between your teeth?"

"No sir, its bacon", I said and swallowed.

"What do you want?"

I paused. Slowly I put my sandwich back in my pocket without wrapping it up again.

"I'm here to scrub the floors, paint some walls and kick some ass!", i said and laughed.

"You still have lettuce stuck between your teeth", replied the old man whilst standing defencingly between me and the doorway.

I scratched the back of my head.

"Uhm..., it's bacon, but thanks for letting me know. Can I come in?"

The old man paused. I saw drool forming on the corner of his mouth. I decided against offering him an analogous notification.

"Who sent you?"

I tried to imagine how the old man would look like in his youth but I was unable to summon enough demons to do the job properly. Instead i offered my hand, prepped for a handshake. The old man did not move or reciprocate but just kept looking at me with his glassy stare.

"I have to be honest with you", i said after some hesitation. "You asked me three questions, three plain questions which i am unable to answer at a fundamental level ...."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"That would be four questions then."

"Better cough up some answers then bud."

It must have been the scorching sun violently caressing my temple that enabled me to finally visualise the old man in his former glory of youth. It must have been my inherently violent nature that made me throw a magnificent right hook at his mentally constructed young visage. It must have been the many years of Hollywood indoctrination that allowed me to enjoy a projection of his body spewn across the concrete floor, forever incapacitated by my all-powerful punch.

I shook my head. The sun was still shining, highlighting our standoff with its blistering rays. I breathed in once and then let it all bleed out.

"I am the God of Hellfire .... and i bring you ... FIRE!"

The old man suddently twitched.

"I seek complete dominion over everything that was, is and will be."

The old man took a trembling step back.

"I was sent here by .... well, fuck it ... nobody sent me, i sent myself!"

The old man took another trembling step backwards, unblocking the entranceway. His eyes were now crystal clear.

"Please, do come in...."

I smiled, a wide beaming smile, enabling full display of the piece of bacon stuck in my teeth.

"You .. .you've got a piece of bacon stuck in your teeth", said the old man as i walked by him into the hallway.

"It's not bacon, it's lettuce!", I laughed as i made my way up the stairs.

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@zenmotherfucker

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