An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said,Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist.I know said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out

in #jokes6 years ago

One....

A blonde decides to get a porno movie, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title. When she puts the DVD in and presses 'PLAY,' the screen is fuzzy and nothing is going on. Frustrated, she calls the store about the movie. They ask her what the title is, and she replies, "Head Cleaner"

Two....

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life." So the penis says, "What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up

Three...

A large family were going to have Thanksgiving dinner together. The two grandmas of the family were sick of people eating the pudding the night before, so they hatched a plan: They put BB-gun pellets in the pudding so they could see who ate it. The next morning, Little Johnny came down from his room and said, "Grannie, Grannie, there were BB-bun pellets in my pee pee last night." Then Little Sally came down and said, "Grandma, there were BB-gun pellets in my pee last night." Then Big Tom came down yelling, "Help! Help! I just shot my girlfriend in the mouth. She went down fine but came up with a hole going right through her tongue and out the side of her mouth!

Four...

A guy walks into a bar looking really moody, and orders a double-whiskey. Then he starts rambling on about how lousy a wife he's got, until the bartender finally says: "You know, I don't understand what you're complaining about. All the

Five...

A man and a woman were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, the woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night, and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. On their anniversary night, at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." The man replies, "Madge, hon, that's because they are sitting in your soup.

Six...

A five-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad. That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and, holding his penis in one hand, said, "Son, this is a penis. In fact, if you take a closer look you will notice that this is a perfect penis." The next day the boy saw his friend at recess and called him behind a hedge. The boy exposed himself and whispered, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis.

4116e3bca815ccee2c98fe7b7bc6a951-older-couples-happy-couples.jpg

Seven....

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!

Eight...

cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life." So the penis says, "What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up

Nine....
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next several months, he saw her doing this often. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!

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