Exploring Androgyny (I am Who I am)

in #lgbt6 years ago (edited)


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UPDATE: Audio version available


My name is Ren. Today I'm writing a story on gender and sexuality. Or at least my side of the story. Today I play with labels only as that... They don't define me.

I was born into a female body, given a typical girl name, and thrown out to the world to run from boys while at the same time being told they'd never stop chasing me.

My grandmother would tell me to walk straight with one foot in front of the other like a lady, to dress to impress the boys. My family is very contradicting... On one hand, I was raised to fend for myself. I was taught that I needed to be self-dependent and rely on no man so that when things didn't go as planned, I could kick HIM out of MY house.

Sounds like good advice and partially it was. But in an ever-growing, changing society, I was still raised like a typical girl even though my mannerisms were far from that. You see, I easily fit under the label of "tomboy". If I had been allowed, I may have even cut my hair short but as a kid I always had long brown hair with gross straight bangs.

I was forced into dresses because it's what a lady wears on nice occasions and it didn't matter whether or not I felt exposed.

We don't take into consideration how our children feel; we want to have them as an image on display for the world to see, so we can say "look at my kid! Look how well I'm doing!" We don't care if their skin is crawling. They are just kids... They'll learn to adapt to this static world.

No fuckers. They won't. You're going to damage them and they're going to despise you for it in the end. The world doesn't stick to one century; everything is in constant motion but most people don't like that.

In elementary school, I felt most comfortable with the boys playing Yugioh cards and pretending Star Wars at recess. The girls were bright and bubbly which was not my thing. If memory serves me right, my teacher gave me the award of "Most Tomboyish" in 5th grade (or something along those lines).

When I did find female friends, they were held close to my heart. Even though I hung out with the boys, we still never clicked. I was a girl hanging out with boys... How "gross" they must have felt.

You could see I obviously didn't fit in with the "normal" world which ended up isolating me. I don't mind the solitude, it's become my favorite thing but I wonder what life could have been like if I was allowed to venture into self-discovery earlier.

When I hit high-school, I realized I was into girls. Freshman year was a fucking mess with a million stories strung together. I had two boyfriends but they never felt right. The side I was on in the relationship... It felt... Funny...

I then dated two girls before jumping into a long-distance relationship with a girl in Cali that lasted a few years. It was during my high school life where I began to find myself. I realized boys were off the table. They made me feel uncomfortable.

Then I had people with such audacity to tell me it was just a phase. I'd fade out of it and become "normal" again.

But no. I love women. Always have, but I just didn't realize.

And it all began to click...or sort of. I was comfortable with the label lesbian. My family? Not so much. My grandmother was still uncomfortable with me being remotely "masculine" and tried everything in her power to make me a "woman". (She still is.)

She would buy me hooped earrings and tell me to wear them, saying how beautiful I'd be to the guys. At the same time she'd also be telling me to watch out for men because I was going to be raped and murdered. I was hardly allowed to go outside because there were men hiding in the woods.

What if I was a boy? I'm sure this story would have been completely different.

When I reached college, I asked my mom to cut my hair short (she's a hairdresser) and I remember her asking me "are you sure you want to be a butch?"

My mom had a really hard time accepting me too, but I have to give it to her. Out of all the people in my family, she is the one who accepts me the most now because we put each other through honest Hell.

I think my mom knew I was gay growing up and that scared her. She saw all the things I liked and was afraid of... Of what? Of looking bad in front of the family? The world?

You might call me crazy, but my grandmother offered me a thousand dollars to grow my hair out and color it blonde. She still offers it to me and I decline it every time. I will never sell myself to look "appealing" for someone else. I don't give a damn if you offered me all the riches in the world, you cannot change who I am. How can you expect someone to be happy in a skin they don't feel comfortable in?

Ha... And another roadblock we've hit. This skin... Who am I? Yea I love women but is that because I feel more... Masculine? That in itself feels like stereotypes and after all these years I've finally been able to pinpoint it.

You love who you love not based on your gender (chosen or given). You love who you feel comfortable around, simple as that.

And it took so long to love myself because I didn't know who I was. I was in a female body, feeling what the world labeled as "masculine" but I also didn't feel like I had to become a man. I didn't like being a "girl" either.

Then I asked myself... Why can we not be all? Didn't we all start as one? And I'm not talking philosophically. I mean biologically. The male was a mutation if I remember.

What if the Universe is trying to merge again? What if I'm not a woman or man, but both and none at the same time?

Perhaps gender-fluid?

Androgynous

Non-binary

Those are lovely words that make my soul dance. Still labels, but ones I feel comfortable with.

I feel like I can't be placed in either a man or woman's shoes. My foot doesn't fit in that world.

For me, realizing I am everything helps me spiritually. The Source that we all come from is everything and nothing. It cannot be defined. Just as I cannot be defined and that mystery is fluid like the deep ocean.

And with the fluidity, I realized I didn't even like the label "lesbian" and began to prefer something along the lines of pansexual lesbian. This, for me at least, means that I have attractions to everyone regardless of how you label yourself, but I feel most comfortable with women. I see the Divine Beauty in everyone, but that doesn't mean I'm going to fall in love with you or even want to sleep with you. It just doesn't work that way.

I know this has been a winding ramble but I want the world to know we are here. I stand with those who perhaps don't even know where they stand. I offer you firm ground if you need it.

The world is changing and we must adapt. If not, we're going to be left behind. The only constant in this Universe is change which means we have to accept it. Let people be who they want to be. It's not about your comfort. It's about theirs. And the moment you allow everyone to feel comfortable is the moment we all can join hands and see how uniquely perfect we all are.

Like stained glass, we hold different shades to form an even grander picture.
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We go by many names... Ever changing like the waves.

Amethyst Midnight
aka Ren

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This is awesome!

What if the Universe is trying to merge again? What if I'm not a woman or man, but both and none at the same time? Perhaps gender-fluid?
Androgynous Non-binary
Those are lovely words that make my soul dance.

Beautiful, magical words.
Yesterday I was exploring contests and came across @artwatch and a nipple contest, which was cool, then via @artwatch I found your work.

I look forward to seeing more from you.

I'm so glad you've stumbled upon me! I look forward to you joining this journey :) thank you so much!

I don't think your writing was too rambling at all, and needs no apology. You covered many things beautifully in this lovely piece of writing. The dichotomy of what we are taught as children is maddening, no doubt. I think your analogy to "stained glass" is quite an articulate one; BRAVO for that! 😊

Thank you so much! That really means the world to hear. I'm happy you stopped by and took the time to read as well as post a comment.

Outstanding!

Hi! I manage the Discord server for Steemit's LGBT+ community, which I invite you to join by clicking the banner below. There's a brief screening process thingy in the welcome channel to keep out the trolls and protect our members' privacy. Considering your writing ability, you'll find it very simple and straightforward.

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Thank you! I shall join once I figure out how to get my discord on my mobile :)

There's a mobile app but it'll make you log in from your browser first. I have to keep mine set so at most folks on the same servers as me can DM me, or I get flooded with garbage. If you want to let me know in a reply here when you have the app installed, I'll allow DM's from everyone long enough for you to DM me and I'll send the link there.

I got the app :) it took me a while to remember my email

Okay I changed my setting. You can add ancapbarbie#1123 (even temporarily if you like) and I'll invite you from there, or just join it in a browser then clear your browser history (always advisable on mobile) and it will appear on the app.

I added you. For some reason my browser won't let me accept the invite on mobile :/

Seems you've already met ancap. Welcome to the LGBT server! Each coming out is a wonderful story, successful or not.

We're glad to have yours.

Thank you so much! I love that the internet allows us to have a community and be so open!

Heyja! You've got a upvote from @PRP-LGBT, the Curation & Magazine Account for content like yours! Nice to have you here :)

Hi your post has been upvoted by vis4, the LGBT+ curation bot! Come and visit us on Discord

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Thank you! I shall!

Hi! This is jlk.news intelligent bot. I just upvoted your post based on my criteria for quality. Keep on writing nice posts on Steemit and follow me @jlkreiss to get premium world news updates round the clock! If you like me, just upvote my comment! 🦄🦄🦄

I've created an audio version in YouTube for anyone interested

Subscribe on YouTube if you wish to support me further :)

I had tears in my eyes while reading about your journey...and it made me very happy to see that you have now reached this level of self love...awareness and acceptance. Anything that makes your soul dance is worth fighting for. You are a beautiful soul...and I am glad to have come across your blog. Putting your story out here can't have been easy! <3

Also stopping by to say that you have been featured and curated for MSP Community Curation: Top Five 'Positive PAL Posts' - Week #23

https://steemit.com/community/@creativesoul/msp-community-curation-top-five-positive-pal-posts-week-23

POSITIVE-PAL-THUMBNAIL

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