Want to get to know me? My life.

in #life6 years ago

My life's little problems.

13 years ago I met my wife, and one of the things that I promised her is that I would look after her and give her the life that she always wanted. She is my queen to my castle and over the years we have had two princesses and a prince.

I worked my butt off to give my little family everything they ever wanted until disaster struck, In 2014 I had a breakdown.
I didn't know it at the time but life had got me by the balls, every which way I turned there was something and the stress of life got to me.

I was working 65 hour weeks in a job where I only got paid for 45, I was promoted and made the manager of a very busy kitchen that had staffing problems, I would put my family to one side and work shifts that needed to be worked just so the business would keep going.

I had high standards, I would make sure everything was as good as it could get, I made it into a gold mine and it showed as we would have that many people queing at the door for our food that we would have to put a wait on getting a table in the week.

When I first started working there we would serve 850 covers on a Sunday, by the time I reached management and put in place everything that i thought would work we were doing over 1200. it was busy. the only problem was a lot of people didn't pull their weight and I would pick up the slack.

I would go to work at 7am and finish the following morning at 1am and then repeat, this was killing me as i would be having 4 hours sleep and no rest and I started to feel bogged down.
My wife would see me for a few hours a week and my daughter at the time would only see me on Mondays as this was my day off, but she would have school.

I worked so hard that I had money in my account that I just couldn't spend as there was no time to spend it, then it happened I had my breakdown.
This was a life changer that I never saw was going to happen.

I was getting ready to go to work one afternoon, to cover a shift that someone had phoned in sick for, and I felt like I couldn't breath, my head was spinning and I got really hot and scared.
I sat on the end of my bed shaking, panic had set in and I was in a mess, the more I tried to do anything the worse it got, there was no one around to help me and I was thinking that I was going to die.

I had to find help, and I phoned my Mum, she was at my house in what seemed a life time to get there, she managed to get me in the car and to the doctors, but by this point I didn't even know where I was as my world had just come tumbling down.

The doctor was really good, he gave me some sedatives and some antidepressants gave me a sick note for work as there was no way I was going to be able to work while I was in this state.
My mum got me home, I went up to bed, took the tablets i had been given, but it was too late, I was popping the sedatives like they were sweets, i was not getting any calmer.

My wife got home to find my mum at my house, she asked what was going off, and with that she was on the phone to the crisis team.
They came out straight a way, they were really good too from what i remember, they would come to my bedroom as I locked myself away and make sure that I was alright. they tried different drugs to calm me down, the doctors even come to my house.

After 3 weeks of pure torture the decision was made for me to go into hospital, it wasn't the best move but with how poorly I was I had to be looked after. i gave up on life and I wanted to die.
When I was there they gave me my own room, they left me a lone and I would lay in bed thinking about ways to end what could only describe as hell.

The hospital treatment was poor, they made me walk for my medication, and this was so bad as i was so poorly, I had stopped eating and was so, so weak.
At night they would come to my room every hour and shine a light in my eyes while I slept, i asked why they did this and I was told, it was to make sure that I was alive, and they did it with everyone.

Some nights were quite and some were loud, I could here screaming one night and got from my bed to find a young lady walking down the hall with blood coming from both arms.
She was crying, and screaming from what she had done to her self. I never saw her again after that, i just hope that she is alright.

I had the worst guy in the world in the room next to me, he would play his music so loud, I would ask him to turn it down and it would just get louder, he would even leave his room with it playing.
The staff didn't seem to care.

The doctor was on holiday while i was in there so I had to wait until he was back to find out what my treatment was going to be, I had to make a choice and get out of the hospital as I thought it was making me worse.

When I met the doctor he was in a room full of people, I had to sit with them and they all discussed me. I too a deep breath in and said to him. "this place isn't for people like me" and he agreed. he weighed up the choices that I had and I agreed to go into a care home.

My mum collected me from the hospital and took me to the care home, I couldn't wait to get there, it sounded great.
the care home was not to far away from home and I knew that that's where I wanted to be when I was well.
I had my own room in the care home too, this was a good size, it had a tv in it. I had to share the shower room with other people but that was cool as there was a lock on it and nobody ever bothered you.

I met a guy while I was in there. he was great, he had the same problems as me and was always there when i needed some one to talk to.
the staff let everybody do what they wanted but also kept an eye on us too, we had to ask them for our drugs so that it was signed out of the medical supply.

They had a relaxation room too, this was nice soft music and a comfy bean bags and mood lights, it was great to go to and have a think.

My time there came to an end, I was got a taxi and was sent home. when I got home my wife didn't even know that I was coming back that day, I was in a mess as the ride home had taking it out of me.
She took me upstair to my room and said to me that she couldn't look after me and the kids anymore, and that I had to look after my self.

20180413_133027.jpg
(my wife doesn't want kids pictures on the internet)

while we sat talking my youngest daughter started to cry, i had not seen her in a month, she was only one years old and it was a hard time away from them all.
my wife went through to get her, she explained to me to come down when I was ready, as she went in to get our daughter from her bed, I got up and walk through after her.

The smile on my daughters face said it all, she put her arms out and I gave her a cuddle, she was all smiles, it made me feel warm inside and I knew I had to get better for her.
My oldest daughter finished later that day from school, she ran in and gave me a great big hug, one of them hugs that you want to last forever.

Over time I have grown stronger, I now do things with the kids, I go out and take them to school and the park, I also read to them every night before bed, i wash their hair and make sure they are fed. I take them to friends houses to birthday parties. i take them to after school clubs and slowly I am trying to make up for the lost time that I spent away from them all them years ago.

It goes to show, anybody can fall ill. and all it takes is a little stress.

happy steeming

@artonmysleeve

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It was sad you feel sick Boss @artonmysleeve and I am happy you are strong now, please do not over stress yourself again we all need you here on steemit, you are a nice person and I pray nothing bad will happen to you. But BOSS please remember Family first.
Your Boy @master-minds salute the family.

Cheers @master-minds I am not planning on getting sick again. but sometimes these things happen. cheers for your prayers :D

Lol... Thanks

Oh my.....I'm happy you are better now ...!
getting closed to the kids is an excellent thing, because they are the beings the more closed to their soul, and their soul is playful and happy if adults do not oblige them to be otherwise..same for animals...children and animals, they are masters for who knows to relate to them, the joy and the link to their inner being is still intact and allows us to find ours ;-)
My BlueWonkies characters are totally children in their being, they do not grow, in the sense they do not become socially adults with responsabilities that would kill their playful soul..;-)

Love how you keep your bluewonkies young at heart, I am a bit like that, some people call me peter pan as i am always on all 4 playing with my kids. my kids normally use me as a horse and i have to run up and down the hall way with them on my back. it is great fun.

Haha dads make the better horses ! ^_^

true, I don't think my dad would like me to jump on his back, i'd break his legs haha

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Hello dear @artonmysleeve, you’ve touched my heart ❤️ with this lovely story about struggles and overcoming them. I to had a nervous breakdown and landed in the hospital. I also no what a panic attack feels like. It’s the scariest feeling that I’ve ever experienced in my lifetime. If you’ve never experienced one, you have know clue just how frightening it is, you can’t explained it. I had severe sleep deprivation at home one time. I had many things going on which I had to accomplish within a short period of time, and was very stressed out about it. Then my dog passed away that was part of my family for 19 years that sent me over the edge. I was unable to fall asleep, wich I had never had problems before. I also quit eating, I became incredibly manic and I totally lost it, let’s say I went completely crazy. I seen and heard things that where not there, talking and looking straight into people’s eyes and having conversations that where not there, I was in another universe that was not there, and I could not see the real person standing right in front of me telling me things, I couldn’t here them at all, I was mentally somewhere else completely. Finally my family put me in the hospital. The doctors knocked me out with heavy duty drugs, and I slept for eight days straight. I don’t remember anyone even getting me up to go to the bathroom. My husband and my two children thought that I would never come out of it, and they all mourned as though I had died. It was just like I had died, Debbie was gone, and I was looking out of someone else’s eyes. You know, through it all, I could feel God’s presence, and I was agnostic at the time. After that experience I became more compassionate over mentally ill people. I thought if I could loose it, anyone could, because I had always been a very stable person. I quit taking my life for granted, and everyone else’s, my family became closer, my husband and I became closer, I began to cherish everything more, I chalk it up as one of the most significant times in my life. And through it all, I decided I needed to no more about the God who held my hand through it all. He had a plan for me. To love Him, and to love more. Blessings ❣️

@lildebbiecakes, this is amazing that you have shared this with me, I have a great respect for that, It must have been hard for you and your family to go through this. my wife and kids thought I had gone too, I wasn't there I believed that my wife was having an affair.
My mum was my rock, she moved in with us to help, when she went back to work her friend who is a massive christian church person started saying her prayers for me and some where deep down I think that it help because it wasn't long after that I was up and starting to make a start on my life again.
My wife had her first panic attack not so long back, and after I calmed her down and talked her through her breathing to help her relax, she said to me, everyday you had them didn't you? I said yes 10 times a day for 6 months. she then said to me, how did you manage to make it through 6 months?
I said for you and the girls.

Thank you @artonmysleeve, that’s a beautiful ending to this story when she finally understood partially what you went through. I’m blessed that God allowed her to see that. Your wife will never know the deep pain you went through, but she now may forgive you because of her panic attacks. God works in mysterious ways friend, and I completely believe that people who do not believe in God,he will help so that they may see Him. That’s the way He works❣️May God bless you always.

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