Teenage Pregnancy: A Birth-Father's Perspective

in #life6 years ago (edited)

teenpreg1

Teenage Pregnancy: A Birth-Father's Perspective


I wanted to talk today about something less discussed. While there has been plenty of coverage and discussion of what it's like being a teenage mother, there is very little in the way of information from a birth-father. I wanted to share my experiences both to inform, as well as to help me get a good record of what I remember from my own experiences, some 15 or more years ago now.

First, the terminology.

In this case, I am using the term birth-father, as I am not involved in the child's life. You may replace it with the term 'biological-father' as well. I think even some of the more upset women involved tend to use a term like 'sperm-donor', but that is different in any case.

How It All Began


It all started when I was 15. I had a lot of free time as I was a recent high-school dropout. I didn't struggle in school for the usual reasons. I wasn't really a troublemaker, I just didn't want to be there. I wasn't gaining anything from it, and I disliked the strange social interplay of the sharks that teenagers can be in that kind of environment. Without an ability to 'test-out', I would just show up long enough to satisfy the parental unit, and walk home.

This left me with the aforementioned free time. This eventually led me to online chat rooms of the era, (AOL and Yahoo, etc) where I would spend time being one of those damn kids with a big mouth mostly.

I did however meet a girl, and eventually we decided to try the dating thing. Well, I won't bother with details except to say that hormones + free-time = bad choices and becoming sexually active at too young an age.

We managed to avoid any issues for more than a year, but it only takes one time to count the days wrong, not use protection, and just not think clearly.

Oh crap... What now?


At the time I had a really basic job, working a few nights a week at a local family entertainment center (arcades, laser-tag, mini-golf). I got a random voice-mail one night while at work, and it would forever change my world.

All she said when I played the message on my break was "I want an abortion." (We decided against that in the end, but more on that later.)

You see, she had visited me at work earlier, and I had made a joke about some noted changes in her body. She apparently connected the dots better than I did.

My night ended with that message, I was a wreck. I called my manager (I was a supervisor for my area) and told him I needed to leave, but didn't give him details. When he came to check on me, I must have looked awful. He took one look at my face, and said that he would find someone to cover and to get going. I never did remember to thank him for that...

I called my mom, who was my best supporter, and still is. She came to pick me up, and I told her everything. She wasn't much happier about this than I was, but I survived the night.

In discussion with my girlfriend, we quickly changed our minds about our plans on what to do. Her older sister had gone through something similar and gave us the idea we needed to have to make the right decision.

Where I live, the LDS Church has a program, called LDS Family Services. It is a full set of services for families, both LDS and not. One of them was an adoption program. We got started on that path almost immediately, as it would help us get medical costs covered.

So, what is that like for a teenage father-to-be?

Scary. Very scary.

Call it a sense of honor, or a proper upbringing by my mother, but I knew that I would support her for every medical visit, every group counseling session with LDS Family Services, and would help choose the parents when the time came. Thankfully, my girlfriend agreed, as in my home state of Utah, fathers had zero rights at the time.

Doctor's appointments weren't too bad, just a lot of holding hands, and asking the right questions.

The group sessions were intimidating though. Imagine being the only guy, in a room of about 25 pregnant teen girls, most of which had been abandoned by their 'boyfriends'. There was a lot of discussion of what it was like to be pregnant and going to high-school, cravings, weird medical stuff that happens during a pregnancy, and quite a bit of male-bashing too.

I survived.

I think two things played into that:

  • One, I kept quiet.
  • Two, I was 'the guy who stayed'.

I firmly believe these earned me a pass on existence as far as these young women were concerned.

The Other Big Choice


As the time quickly approached for us to meet this newly formed person, it came time to choose their parents-to-be.

These were almost exclusively people who couldn't conceive on their own, or at least had yet been unable to. We looked over about 20 couples, each with a picture of the pair, and a letter written in general to the 'prospective birth mother' (Again, very little consideration for the father was given.)

In the end, we went back to the very first letter we read. They just matched me and my girlfriend too much to ignore, and we loved their story.

Somewhere around 7 months into the pregnancy, we decided to go to her Prom together. If I never have to help a pregnant teenage girl shop for a dress again, it will be too soon. Still, she looked amazing, and all the way through the end of the school year, nobody even realized she was expecting. Considering she was 5'2" (157 cm) and about 110 lbs (50 kg) before pregnancy, and had taken on extra weight due to some gestational diabetes, this was fairly impressive a secret to keep.

I didn't get my driver's license until the last month of the pregnancy, and my family was getting really tired of giving me rides up to that point.

About this same time, we get to meet the parents we have chosen to hand over our child to. They were just as amazing as we thought, and we took to them immediately. They gave us gifts, each something to have as a memory. They got me a watch, and I think they struggled to decide on that, as it was rare for a birth-father to be there. I still have it to this day, packed away and safe.

The Big Day - August 1st, 2002


Well, the start of it at least. They talk about labor taking hours, but it's really something else to experience it. There I was, barely 17 and in the hospital room with my very pregnant and bursting girlfriend, and her 'barely tolerating of that asshole boy who got her pregnant' mother. For 20 hours total.

A side note: Those who say childbirth is a miraculous and beautiful thing, were lying, or they stood at the head of the bed and never looked.

Some moments I remember in all this.

  • It was unbearable to watch her cry while they gave her the epidural.
  • I wish I had stood up to her mother for more chances to hold my child for the time I would have with them.
  • Sleep is for the weak, or at least I kept telling myself that.

I have a daughter, at least for a little while. I get to hold her, and somewhere (I couldn't find it for this post) I have pictures of me doing so. Eventually though, the stay at the hospital has to end, and she will be going home with her mother for a day, before we meet with the people who would become her real parents.

The Roughest Day - August 3rd, 2002


This was by far the roughest day, and we both were a wreck. At the time, the Church was still protecting the adoptive parents' identity so that there couldn't be any complications later on with birth parents 'changing their mind', which though impossible once the process is complete, still had a chance of trying to happen.

We handed her over in what still feels like a moment that should have had more ceremony or import. Then we waited, while they took a moment to compose themselves, and leave ahead of us, so we couldn't see their car, etc.

We both cried, and after a fashion, grieved for the loss. We knew why we did it, and to this day I at least don't regret my choice in this.

It Got Easier


Over the coming months, and even years, it got easier to deal with.

About six months after the adoption, the Church changed the rules and would allow the family to directly contact the birth-parents if they chose. We had exchanged only minor things via the Church up to that point, but they had already planned on letting us in. They had hidden a last name on the back of a photo inside a picture frame the month before, and we could now contact them directly.

Over the years, I have gotten updates via email with stories and pictures. This has let me see the person she has become, and I am always prone to play the proud biological father, showing off pictures where appropriate.

In a fairly common turn of good luck, having a baby in the house helped them to overcome whatever it was that was preventing them from having children of their own, and she gained a little brother to keep her company, and provide endless entertainment when picked on, I am sure.

Edit: Looking back over the emails from the past, I found that they did actually adopt her younger brother. I just remembered it differently due to the age of the whole thing.

I have hundreds of pictures, and a good idea of the young woman she has become. Knowing her mother's and my genetics, she will one day want to meet us if only to find out more about us, and why we made the choice we did. I don't think she ever feels slighted by our choice, and seems even happier where she is than we could ever have hoped.

daughter1


That is all for now.

I am sure there is more to know about this story, but I can't recall every detail on my own.

Ask me questions, anything you want to know about the process, what it was like for me, etc.

I welcome them.



Thanks!

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I think you already know how special this is to me and how awesome I think you are for sharing this. I know how hard it was being a young mom, still am, but the courage you and her mother had, the bravery, the strength, and the love is beyond words. She is beautiful. Love you so much and thank you 💜💜

Thanks, it was definitely a time in my life where I got to grow up a bit faster than I would have wanted, but I regret nothing from it. I am who I am today because of it.

Your words mean a great deal to me. Thank you. 💜💜

Wow...you're not just a good advisor....ya brave as well...indeed touching

These kinds of things are now easy to share. I know, as it stirred up my own emotions on my journey to becoming the mother that I am. But to be that young, and to make such a wise decision... I have trouble searching for words in my state of emotion, just love, respect and hugs for you disco. Such a brave soul then and now. I am definitely ready to share my experience after reading that. ✊💛💛💛

Thanks. It makes me happy to know this has touched people.

Really cool story and really well written! I really enjoyed you sharing this personal story.

Thanks, I really had felt a need to share this for a while now.

have you got more children now? do they know they have a big sister. What a difficult decision you had to make !! i may not think of it. You have done it very descent probably because you have a good heart. Still in contact with the girlfriend? <I hope your daughter will want to know you later and fully understand what a big descision this has been and totally respect it !

No, I haven't really felt I was ready, even now. I am getting there, and one day I might find the right person for that to happen.

Thanks for sharing dude. It is rare to read about the father's perspective.
Awesome post that brought out muh feels.

I had been meaning to share it for a while now. I am happy to hear you enjoyed it.

Incredible. I’ve never heard this side of the story and it’s very enlightening. You are a person with a good heart to stay by your girlfriend in her hour of need. I’m also happy you get to see your daughter grow. I’m happy it makes you happy. My father cheated on my mom and since the time we parted ways, 7 years and counting, he’s not once tried to know about my well being. He re married and got other kids. So as a daughter, I can tell you it troubles the heart knowing that he doesn’t care. But your daughter, when she comes looking for you, at least she will have years of emails of how you tried to know about her as she grew. It will help her understand and respect your decision with acceptance. It will ease her heart to know you cared. Thankyou for sharing your story.

Wow

Sounds like that whole experience really made a man out of you at such a young age...

Gosh, I was at the edge of my seat throughout the whole post.

My girlfriend got pregnant from unprotected sex that we had last year...
She got an abortion, and I wish I'd had the maturity that you had...

Sigh, I lived and I learned... Even though I was still her boyfriend through the whole process, and I really tried my best to be supportive, I was just so distraught and messed up from all my own emotions, I feel like I was more of a guy who wasn't there than the mensh of a teenage biological father you were at the time... And I was several years older than you when it happened to me...

Just have to say, kudos to you for doing the right thing, and staying aboard for the ride you had embarked on!

Respect to you...

I like how the LDS Church helped you deal with the situation.
It's always been one of my favourite churches, just based on all the interactions I've had with Mormon missionaries in my life.

Kudos to the organization for supporting the two of you and helping you with the not-aborting decision... That's very admirable as well.

I'll keep that in my book of reasons not to hate on the Church, lol.

Peace and Love,
Hae-Joo

Loved reading about a young man standing beside his girlfriend and mutually deciding what the best solution was for both of you. Had to be quite a traumatic event for both of you. You daughter is beautiful and she has two loving parents thanks to your wise decisions.

Thank You for sharing your story.
As a genealogical researcher I learned early on that when it came to adoptions/adoptees the rules go out the window in so many areas that you begin to wonder if all of a sudden you went into a bizzaro world and did not know it.

You went from thinking you had rights to finding out you really didn't and getting the records unsealed just to find out who you were many times became a financial quagmire and hoops to jump thru.

Many folks still to this day do not understand basic human right to know where you came from and find out what medical issues you may face in the future due to your genetics.
Most adoptees have no medical history (parents to young to know to share it).

Some of the horror stories I saw and witnessed as a researcher would destroy most people just getting the records unsealed for an hour by hateful judges (who did target individuals for daring to ask "Who am I").

The cost to file the paper work, hire someone who would be trust worthy to read the documents (most adoptees were not allowed to see the records them self), and if you wanted a copy of a document a request form ($$$) had to be filled out and submitted to the said judge and another date set to get it at a cost that could go into the hundreds per document all for daring to ask Who am I...

One client (in a heart to heart discussion) told me I don't care if she (birth mother) is a whore, she is my whore and it is my right to know her...

From that day on I became an advocate for adoptees...
As a researcher I pushed hard for laws to be changed so that open adoptions became the norm and not the exception.

Your child will be blessed to know you both cared enough to let her have a life.
Again thank you for telling your story...

Genealogical stuff is big where I live, for obvious reasons. I suspect you probably have used tools setup by the Church here, just because of how involved they are in that.

Part of why we decided to stay in contact was to be sure that medical history could be shared more freely.

Thanks for the kind words and the insight into some of the struggles others have had.

Yes I am very familiar with the LDS ;-)
Most of my clients were men and their wives trying to find medical information for their children.

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