At the Library to Check Out the Books...and the Ladies

I was at the library, checking out the ladies. Scoping out the ladies is one of the duties of a homeschooling parent that isn’t mentioned in any how-to-homeschool text. I, for one, don’t really mind this aspect of the job. In fact, I love checking out the ladies.

Here’s a little trick of the trade—going to the library during school hours is excellent for doing a bit of homeschooling-lady-checking-outing. I had it all set up: the boy was attending the final session of a six week handwriting class the library had hosted. They were having a “pizza party”, which is basically a mysterious elementary school phenomenon wherein children get to eat pizza during class, and that apparently makes the pizza way more delicious than normal.

The tricky bit about all this is that my children are distracting, but they are also my conversation piece for striking up discussion with the fellow homeschooling ladies. I had brilliantly worked out the ideal situation: the boy was occupied, leaving me with just one distraction/conversation piece—the tot.

So anyway, I was at the library, sequestered in the children’s section. I took a seat in a very small chair not designed for my adult-sized butt. The tot trotted off to examine a doll house the library had set up. I quickly surveyed the scene, making a game plan.

There were two women. One ushered her older child off to the handwriting class, and then I watched her scoop her toddling baby up into her arms after she had ripped something decorative off a table. “You are a destroyer,” the woman said affectionately. My eyes shifted from side to side. That’s just the sort of thing I would say. I like her.

She toted Destroyer Babe over to the table I had sat down at, which was in a strategic position at the center of the room. She too took a seat in an undersized chair.

I might have looked something like this diabolical sand castle.

She’s in my web, I thought as I tapped my fingers spider-like against the table top. I let a casual two minutes go by—no sense in looking desperate. Then, I moved in. “I’m sorry, my memory is terrible—aren’t you the lady I met at the [insert location of your imagination]?” And so the conversation began. I was feeling it. I was getting good vibes. Yep, she’s the one.

But why stop at one, when you can have two?

I’d seen Lady Number 2 before. In fact I was growing out-right fond of her. She was a tricky one—the sort you can’t quite get a hold of at the first meeting. She always slips between the fingers. I watched out of the corner of my eye as she spoke firmly to her five-year-old. Not afraid to call out her child in front of the other moms—a not for show kind of lady? Oh yes, you are my people.

I made eye contact. I shifted my body to point toward her. My body language was clear. Yes—you. No more pussyfooting around here. That’s right—I want you.

Sparks were flying.

At the end of this intensive session, contact information was exchanged between both the women and I. It was a raving success of a trip.

What? Don’t be ridiculous, this wasn’t a dating conquest. We are homeschoolers—we are all married and more worried about double-digit subtraction than romance. This hook up was for playdates between our children. I fulfilled one of my job requirements, and that was really satisfying.

The library has everything a person could want to check out.