Where to Find a Good Vulgar Pizza

in #life5 years ago (edited)

Vulgar pizza, I grumbled. A pizza isn’t a proper pizza unless it comes from an establishment that doesn’t send you a coupon in the mail with mention of free Pepsi followed by multiple exclamation marks. If the advertisement comes with exclamations of any sort, it is likely a vulgar pizza establishment.

As an American, of course my childhood diet had an average of one meal of vulgar pizza a week. My parents didn’t have a lot of money, and making dinner after an eight hour shift just sucks. Those exclamations called to my parents, and tonight, they called to me too.

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Every now and then a vulgar exclamation mark is necessary in life. Today was one of those times. I spent the bulk of the afternoon patting a sick tot’s back, trapped on the couch where she rested, because every five minutes she would wake and fuss for me. A small, miserable person is truly a heartbreaking sight. So pitiful, it inspires you to look at those coupons that arrived in the mail with the exclamation marks.

We hadn’t been to the vulgar chain restaurant in question, at least not in my current town. I grew up in a university town, and there that particular chain was known as the “college” pizza place. As in, they were open until 3AM and would deliver to dorm rooms and dumb fraternity parties. Nobody that wasn’t a college kid wanted to get pizza there—it was the lowest of the lows. There isn’t pizza more vulgar than fraternity pizza.

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Chain pizza is right up there with "superman" ice cream - colorful, but tasteless.

Anyway, I debated the level of palatability of the plethora of vulgar pizza chains available to me. The closest to my house advertises $5 pizzas, and they basically taste like biting into a bunch of chemical filled bread. Next up, at two miles down the road, we have the vulgar pizza chain that has been loudly proclaiming they make the best pizza—for the last twenty years. Come on, everybody knows that’s a lie by now. There is another chain about five miles up the road, but eating their pizza is like taking a bath in grease. You need fifty napkins, and still you wonder how in the hell you managed to get a grease spot on your shirt. Lastly, two miles farther up the road, there is this place.

This place I had never been to, because of the memories of its twin in my hometown—the dreaded college pizza. But I was feeling dicey. And hey, they did have some impressively large exclamation marks on their coupons. I placed my order, and used picking it up as an opportunity to soak up some of the fresh seventy-five degrees outside.

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And that was when I grumbled vulgar pizza as I squinted suspiciously at the outside of the building. It looked a little run down. I had to take a step like a giant would make to get over the freakishly high curb. By the looks of this place I can tell that someone with a disease just sneezed on my vulgar pizza, I thought. But I kept on. Someone who thought they were very cool was playing some very loud, very abrasive music from their car next to me. I opened the door with that unpleasant soundtrack, expecting the worst, and…

I saw a cleanly looking man tossing a pizza crust in the air. The bustling place was filled with jolly, busy, un-diseased looking people. A man swiftly took my name and turned to locate my vulgar pizza among all the other vulgar pizza boxes ready to go. The bar set before me was clearly made by Bear-Man, as it reached my shoulders. Maybe Bear-Men frequent this place, I wondered, tossing a glance back toward the parking lot, but no over-sized pickup trucks were in sight.

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I turned swiftly back to eye the kitchen. Surely things could not be as they appeared. This was the fraternity pizza chain after all. Someone looking drunk must be working behind the counter. That was when things got really strange. I realized that all the people back there were talking to each other from their different stations, and they were all discussing intellectual things. There was one very professor-ish looking man—older guy, grey hair pulled back in a pony-tail, thin rimmed glasses, air of wisdom—was handling some tomato sauce and talking about philosophy. I wrinkled my forehead.

The man brought me my pizza, then offered to carry it to the car for me, since I had my hands full. I was still in shock from seeing the professor guy, so I politely declined. Then he held the door for me, and I stared at him awkwardly for a second, because it was all very not vulgar. I took that big step off that big curb out the door.

“This place is for tall people,” I muttered as I looked at the man, half wondering if he was Bear-Man. He fit the profile with his thick beard, and towering at least a foot above me. He nodded cheerful, looking down at my dwarfish five feet two inches.

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How a regular sized person looks to Bear-man

I drove home while eating a slice of vulgar pizza that was surprisingly not too bad. I was having trouble wrapping my head around it. So that’s how you find a decent vulgar pizza, I mused. Ask Bear-Man. He knows.

It just so happens that I like vulgar...just a little bit.

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Not every giant person has a beard. I know it was kind of fashionable but it is uncomfortable and scratchy. I suppose at 5 foot 2 everything seems big to you. It hit home how small you are as I took a Chinese client out a few months ago and she was the same height as you and it was rather funny. I normally don't do chain pizzas and stay well clear. I am glad it was better than what you first thought.

Not every giant person has a beard.

True, but to be a Bear-man you will need one. But you would have to brave the itchy-scratchies, and I think I speak for all women when I say that none of us want to kiss that. I think you are much better off as just a giant ;)

I think of asian people as being smaller than me, but you are right. We are the same. Come to think of it, I've bought clothes from a little asian lady at a yard sale...

I think the vulgar pizza was improved by the philosophy they put in it.

Then I don't qualify as a bear man and very happy about that. I may look like Desperate Dan some days with a little stubble but that is as bad as it gets.

3 minutes away from my house there's $5 vulgar pizza that taste good and I don't even have to get out of the car to pick it up.... but sometimes it have bullet shells on it.... maybe they use gunpowder to cook pizza or maybe they just want to decorate the bullet pizza.... that's how I call it, bullet pizza! worst part? It taste delicious! Maybe the gunpowder gives some king of extra flavor?

Gun powder? Interesting. That sounds like something that could really draw the tourists. They will all want a bite of that gunpowder pizza. Enjoy it while the wait is still short ;)

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Hi @ginnyannette, awesome story. Since it is about lunch time in Germany, your story made me feel like that I am going for Pizza today :P

You described very well how vulgar Pizza feels like. I honestly have to say that most of the times I order Pizza from a decent Italian. Their service is probably about 20% more expensive as the crappy ones, but its worth it since you get fresh ingredients and the Chefs know what they are doing.

As for parties and super chill days I don't care which Pizza I eat and if I am completly honest, the crappy ones are more favourable at those times. Because as you said:

I drove home while eating a slice of vulgar pizza that was surprisingly not too bad.

Most of the times they are not that bad :P

Hope to read more from you soon,
Cheers M

I hope your lunchtime pizza turned out excellent.

There is definitely a time and a place for low quality pizza. Being really, really hungry generally improves the crappy experience too :)

Thanks for stopping by.

ooooo so we meet again. And this time you are gisting us on how we can find a great pizza joint. Ladies always know where the great tastes of food can be found, unlike we the gents. We only go for what will make us satisfied then the taste. I remember one time, i hyped a food joint to my sister and after she tasted their food, she was like did i say their food was this great. She said the very food i hyped was just like a bile to her......lol
I really enjoyed evry second i spent on your blog. Great spotted joint and i hope to visit these places to taste them.

I agree, my husband generally goes for quantity, not quality, whereas it needs to be quality if I'm eating out :)

Thanks for stopping by.

Hehe.... Yea That's how we are. No wonder there is always such great partners to let us get real taste of foods sometimes.

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Hi there @ginnyannette!

Did you just said PIZZA!

What a coincidence, i was likewise craving for one. I did followed my tummy instinct and had it sated too.. hahahaha..

Yes! Pizza is never a pizza if its all just crap and bread.. i mean crust.. hahaha.. I do understand that pizza is a weakness. We all have to give in to it somewhere somehow.

This is what i got myself earlier.. its actually a folded pizza, byt the owner called it calzone! Its soooooo oozing with cheese inside!! It may look so boring but wait till you cut it open.. i am but a lass with a happy and satisfied tummy! Never mind the carbs.. 😂🤣

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I think a large percentage of humans are ready and willing to eat a pizza at any given time, I know I am :)

That looks like an excellent calzone/folded pizza. I never pay any mind to the number of carbs either.

Thanks for stopping by.

Ooh definitely a yes! Its human weakness! You can never say no to it.

Nom nom nom

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I'm so glad to hear Bear-Man is still in your life. I missed him a little, if I'm being honest. And I'm glad your vulgar pizza wasn't so bad. Makes me want pizza.

I think I'm going to be seeing a lot of Bear-men, now that I have given them a name. Build it, and they will come ;)

We have a lot of them in my neighborhood. I can send some your way.

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I will accept any Bear-men with open arms, and probably a crick in my neck from all that upward looking.

Hahahaha! Short people unite! We'll take over the world if we can reach the button on the elevator!

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I have this jump technique that is almost as effective as being tall. It also tones the legs. What tall person can say they exercise getting things from tall cabinets? None. We are special.

Totally! Also, and this is a little gross, when I got teased in high school for being short I would point out that I could see up all their noses. Great way to make tall people uncomfortable.

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Actually, I recently realized that I unconsciously stole the term Bear-man from @meesterboom. When a good term comes along, the mind latches on :)

I'm sure@meesterboom won't mind. There's a cultural phenomenon starting here!

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Hmm, so bear-man raises his grizzly, bearded face once more...Bear-man epedemic?

Monday this week I made pizza for my wife and her mum. Thin crust bases, legit tomato sauce and the following: Onion, mushrooms, capsicum (red peppers), black olives, pineapple, chilli's, double smoked shaved ham, tiger prawns and of course a little cheese. All fresh ingredients. (No ham on my wife's pizza as she is pescetarian. I put feta cheese and sun-dried tomato on her pizza also.)

Legit awesome pizza.

We don't have a good (take-away) pizza place near us so we make them generally, the few occasions we actually eat pizza. I love pizza! I've had my fair share of vulgar ones too!

Sounds like Bear-man had some manners, carrying your pizza to the car and all. Who would have thought.

P.s. That icecream looks like the devil's spawn.

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Ha, I think having a thick beard is becoming very popular among men with a large frame. It may be a Bear-man epidemic.

That pizza sounds amazing! That is what pizza is supposed to be like. I haven't made any homemade in a long time - too much going on with children running around - but there are some good places in town that can satisfy the urge for a real pizza. I know where to find one in Australia now too ;)

I love pizza too. I think the vulgar ones work as a good stepping stone in early childhood, and then by the age of 6 or so the child is ready to move onto bigger and better things. I say this because my son will be 6 soon, and he ate the eggplant pizza I got at the local not-vulgar place with gusto.

Bear-man might steal essences, but he does have manners, and I respect that :)

Yes, that ice cream might be the devil's spawn. It has a slew of artificial colors, and it tastes like the most plain-jane vanilla ever. That's the crap American kids get lured into.

When it comes to Pizza I simply avoid it. No offence I know many die for them but not me...after heavenly putt on weight...so any Pizza I simply walk away....

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Yep, it isn't for everyone. My body burns through carbs, so pizza is my friend :)

Ohhhh..I did enjoyed it...but when get health concious then nOm...Nom nom...👍

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