Mais qui est "moi-meme"?

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Sometimes I watch TED talks in French. What can I say, I like the language. Anyway, I was watching this one talk by a Belgian sexologist lady who talked about why people cheat in relationships, why she cheats on her husband. Anyway, it was an interesting talk and even though I didn't agree with most of the points she made, it did get me thinking about one thing.
In her talk, she points out that we are programmed to seek romantic partners because we require confirmation. We want someone to come along and reassure us that we are worth loving. You know, perhaps, that you're doing all you can for your world, perhaps that you are doing incredible things. You're good, smart, etc. But really, how far does that get you if it's just you saying it? You're bound to be biased, so you know you can't really trust your own voice. Nor can you trust that of your parents and relatives, because again, they kinda have to like you. So, you look elsewhere for confirmation and naturally, you look for it in a boyfriend/girlfriend. Surely, if this individual comes along and falls in love with you and then, fingers crossed, marries you, then surely you must be doing something right.
And in her talk, she points out how wrong that is. How harmful it is for the way you view yourself. She explains that when you allow your sense of self and your knowledge that you're worth loving, when you let it rest on someone else's shoulders, you're basically giving away your freedom. It's an interesting point of view, surely.
Because what if that person suddenly decides they don't love you anymore? Or falls perhaps for someone else? Does that make you any less lovable? Well, yes.
That is, after all, their purpose – to assure you you are worth loving. To give you a sense of self-worth. I must be worth something since someone chooses to love me. Someone is waiting for me, so I must be important, I must be the real deal. And then you get to watch how that real deal crumbles to nothing when the story ends. Not always, many spend their life married. I won't say happily, because that's another thing entirely. A fair lot of people remain married precisely because of this need for validation, they identify themselves by their relationship status.

But it doesn't really matter, if the love story ends or not. That's not what this is about, because I feel that it would take away from the real message. Because essentially the message is you should love yourself and if you only do that for fear that you might end up alone, well, then what do we have?
No, you should understand a few things not for fear that nobody will want you, but not to be crippled if that does happen.
First of all, you are worth loving. Everyone deserves to be loved and that includes you. I don't know you personally and even if I did, I might not love you, but I'm sure someone would. I'm sure there are qualities within you that make you a worthwhile person.
You have to learn how to validate yourself, not wait for others to do it for you.

How?

Well, in her talk, she proposes that you get to know yourself. Important bit, I'm sure you'll agree. Now, I'm not one to buy into all this self-help shit that's going around and is becoming increasingly popular. But I do feel that a lot of people on this earth don't have an understanding of self-worth. She suggests you travel, see things, experiment, live, do things that help you know yourself, know who you are. Because if you focus yourself on that rather than on finding someone who will validate you, you'll come out much richer in the end.
This world is full of broken, lonely people who keep thinking someone else holds the keys to their freedom. They don't. The keys are yours. They have always been yours, you just have to use them. Now, if you spent as much time doing things that help you grow as you do trying to attract someone else, you'd be so much happier.

Maybe you don't agree. Maybe you'd rather spend your time chasing after other people. Fine by me. Just remember that most problems in a relationship stem from your opinion of yourself.