Letting Go and Moving On... Eventually
I'm back in the Bay Area for a bit and I've already been up to my old neighborhood once for a walk with a friend and former neighbor there, and have plans to go again on Thursday to hang out with another friend.
I miss the place, yet going back doesn't quite feel the same only a month later. It's as if I don't quite fit there anymore. The feeling is of a visitor. Of course that's true, but no reason I should feel that way, yet do.
My dog was also pretty excited as she smelled the familiar smells of returning home after a month away. Several blocks away she perked up and started wagging her tail. Imagine her surprise when we first drove past the house instead of pulling in, then walked past it again on our walk, without stopping. (The scent memories of dogs are amazing!)
Point of Focus, Here or There?
As I now prepare to buy a house in a new state, and also to rent one while that gets taken care of over the next weeks and maybe months if I renovate, I'm occasionally catching glimmers of future visions of myself there instead of longing memories of myself here. But for the most part, I keep seeing myself where I used to be instead of where I'm going.
The backyard view you see in the photo with this post is the view from my former dining room. I sat on a padded bench under the dining room window many an afternoon reading a book and occasionally looking up at that view. No more.
On the walk the other day I'd wanted to visit my favorite grove of trees, but we could hear chainsaws along the way, so headed a different direction. When I go back Thursday I hope to visit that grove and find it still standing. Those are truly dear friends, who I can't actually protect as much as I would wish to.
Today I went by the dentist, someone I've known over 20 years. She gave me a hug as we said our goodbyes. At the grocery store, everyone wanted to chat about my next frontier. At the Buddhist temple potluck I could barely talk to the couple people I'd arranged to each lunch with ahead of time, because so many people wanted to close the circle we'd opened together. Little do all these people know that I'm not ready to close it at all.
I'm still clinging to that old life, despite it having meant working 7 days a week to pay for it all in such an expensive place. There were many, many sweet breaks interspersed throughout most of those days, much time to appreciate the life I was living. Many walks running into neighbors or with neighbors, in a truly tight community. There was something of great value that is being let go of.
Stepping Forward Anyway
And now I know there is another wonderful view, with friendly neighbors, and trustworthy food providers I will come to love. And there are people to meditate with and grow with everywhere. Plus lots new that I don't even know to anticipate. That's the growth part. The frontier that calls me forward.
But I would be lying to say that I'm excited about what's next. I'm more a reluctant, but willing traveler.
Once I'm there, I know I'll be there fully, just as I was here fully. I've lived so many places. Most times I wanted to go to the place I was going until these last 2 times. These two it feels simply like I should go, the first time because my Buddhist teacher asked me to so insistently, and this time due to a clear feeling that is without mental explanation.
I live a spirit-led life. That means I go where I'm sent. Then I make a happy place for myself because I choose to. And so it will be.
After visiting the bay area for my birthday a few years ago I have always enjoyed the thought of living their full time. Unfortunately, I don't think it is very feasible since it is so expensive.
I read an article that spoke about how the high housing cost will slowly force out the individuals who are part of the support structure of the city (teachers, firemen, cops, etc..) leaving a major void. I would be curious to hear what city officials are doing to counteract this issue.
I wish happiness for you on your journey to your new home. As you said yourself you will grow to love the things and the people of this new place in time. Then when your spirit begins to lead you somewhere new you will repeat the cycle while looking back and reminiscing about the feelings you had when you first arrived.
It is ridiculously expensive here, and that's the sole reason I'm leaving and trying to get my friends to also. I see so much struggle here, and people feel trapped because everyone they know is here after all these years. But life is so much less stressful when you can easily earn for your physical needs and have cushion left to know that there is really no such thing as a financial "emergency" anymore, just expected and unexpected events.
But an area can't have everyone leave who isn't making mid-6-figures. You can't have no teachers, public safety workers, waitresses, etc. They have got to figure something out. But in the meantime, I'm retiring on an acre of land that I can buy with cash. Gotta do what I can for the one I can do it for.
That does sound like quite the dilemma. Kudos to you though for recognizing the unnecessary strain that the city's economy was putting on you. It's almost like knowing you are in a bad relationship, but since you have been together with the person for so long you convince yourself it is easier to stay than start all over.
The true friends you have made will stay in touch and even visit your peaceful plot of land when they get the opportunity. In the end be grateful for what the city gave to you and cherish those memories as life has decided it is time to go make more.
Sweet piece as usual. Reading from you daily now seem like an expectation on my side because your write ups brings life into view and a thoughtfulness of truths.
Goodbye seems to be a hurtful word especially when you know that might be the last time you might see the person and you have had some experiences with such people that time and events can't easily erase off our memories.
Letting go is the best solution
When my dad died three years ago, I was in year 3 in the university and preparing for my first semester exam which was about three weeks away. The news of his death came as a shock to me but one thing made me bear the pains and endured, I said to myself my crying would not bring my dad back to life, I had to let it go and behave as though nothing happened that even I told some people that my dad died the early hours of that same morning, it was hard to believe because I let it go. And so funny enough, I was writing exam and the burial was done.
Just let it go
Thanks for sharing.
It is good to change the routine, a monotonous and simple life does not fill the heart, talk with old friends, eat something new, fresh and different revitalizes our soul, I like your pots, greetings.
Good luck in your travels! My favorite part of life is the change it brings :)
I have never had a problem of letting go and moving on, now I can't say I've always been like that. Living to certain ages will build you in the way you should end up if you let go of your pride, because pride is the biggest hinderance of letting go and moving on.
I'm not sure about pride. I'm not feeling that so much as longing. I wasn't really done with enjoying the life I had before now needing to shape a new one. Usually I have no problem letting go, but I've only once ever moved on from a place I was still happy to be, until now. I guess it's a nice thing about my getting on in life that I'm learning to be happy enough somewhere to actually not want to leave! In youth there was always the excitement of the idea of greener pastures.
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LOL
I feel that same sensation now, I want to manifest next moves and transitions smoothly but I am very aware of my thoughts and energies focusing on what is now or actually past (since I don't want what is now - at least I think I don't want it haha). Such a strange struggle xox
Place is such a conundrum for many people. Some move because they have to. Others because they want to. Others some strange combination of need and want, where maybe you want to go because you think maybe you need to, but aren't really sure 😀
I know well the feeling of revisiting previous places I once called "home". In my case that has included not just moving states, but countries and continents. It's been an exciting adventure and I can certainly relate to some of what you feel. So where is your new state, anyway, @indigoocean? Is it New Mexico? That's one part of the states I would really like to visit too one day.