Our Own Experiences Affect Our Advice
Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about the conversations that I have had and advice that I have given to other people over the years. It’s always come from my own experience and how I perceived a situation. Yesterday I realized that where I find myself today would have differed from the advice that I had previously given. It got me thinking about how, when we offer our opinion or advice about anything, we draw on our own experience. Unless you’re one of those that think you know better about everything, then your advice tends to lean more to the ‘judgement’ side of things rather than an interest in the other persons situation. Yip, you heard me, you are being judgmental and the world needs less of you around. You always think you know better and in general you do nothing more than make that said person feel worse about the whole situation.
I got a bit distracted there, apologies. I just really dislike it when people pass judgement on other people. The point I’m trying to get to is that when you give someone advice or your opinion you’re generally offering it from a place where you have either, a) been in a similar situation yourself or, b) know someone who has been or, c) read about it somewhere and believe that you have an understanding about it.
Situations change though, don’t they? Information changes all the time too and so do the conversations that you have with people. Your circle of influencers is changing all the time. We are all unique in how we perceive a situation and we generally tend to stick to the ones that feel similar about the things that we value.
Yesterday we were driving to a family function in Brackenfell. It was a girl’s only function but my husband had to drive me because I’m still to terrified to drive on the N1. It’s a very busy highway here for those that aren’t aware. While we were on our way there I remembered a conversation that I had, had with a colleague whose wife refused to drive on the N1. What stood out for me was the following reply that I said to him back then, “I’m petrified too but I just force myself to do it.” See what happened there? I used to force myself to do it and because I felt similar I gave my opinion and advice as that is how I felt at that time. If we had to have the same conversation now my reply would probably have been the following, “I know how it feels. My husband has to drive me too. You should continue to encourage her and I’m sure she will get there eventually.” What changed?
My experience changed. How I had experienced something had changed. The advice was relative to my experience back then, it has changed since as my own experience has changed. This whole thought got me thinking about so many similar situations. Situations where the advice I had given back then versus the advice I would give right now would be completely different. Interesting, isn’t it? I’ve been going through conversation after conversation and I’m in awe of how many conversations would have been completely different if they had happened now.
These conversations obviously meant something to me because I can remember them as if it were on a movie being replayed back to me. The most profound thing of all is that in every single one of those conversations my reply now would be completely different to the one that I gave back then. In a strange way I almost feel like the reply I gave back then set me up to experience it differently somewhere along the line. That realization is what awed me the most! With every reply I gave there was a future situation that would change my, then perception. Almost like I was creating a future event that would open my eyes to see all sides of the story.
This shook me up a little bit and made me realize that it’s easy to say something a certain way until your own experience molds a different response. It also made me realize that until you experience a situation in exactly the same way as the other person then you really can’t fully understand. Your variables are different and even though you are offering it from a similar space it’s still not exactly the same.
Thank you for reading and remember to keep smiling 😊
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Beautiful flowers!
Thank you very much. I actually snapped a photo of them at a birthday party that my son attended. Just goes to show that you can find beauty anywhere.
Your appreciation of nature shows.i love it. 💯✨
Your post reminded me of how we all used to be the best parents ever...before we had our own kids. The advice and thoughts we had were so different than the ones we had once we actually had kids of our own :)
(and I'm using "we" because most people are like that haha)
That is very true @lynncoyle1. I even experienced this with my second child, nothing that worked with my oldest worked for her hahaha
Tell me about it @jusipassetti !! 😎 That first child lures us into thinking it's easy and we spring for the second haha
Same here. This may not be on the same level of which you are speaking... but I have an auto-immune disease and to look at me you would think she's ok but my AID isn't necessarily physical and I have had people pass judgment on me almost daily.
I'm sorry to hear that @goldendawne. I've been on the receiving side of that often so I can relate to how you feel.
You're very right @jusipassetti, we should never ever pass judgement. We all experience things differently, what may be a highly stressful situation for someone else may not be so for us. But we don't know what the other person has gone through to feel that way. So we need to be kind with our advice and not ever judge, what works for us may not work for someone else! Thought provoking post!
Thank you very much @lizelle. That's one of the most important lessons I have learnt, always be kind and supportive. You never know when you might find yourself in a similar situation.
New experiences in life may alter a previous view we held, yes people do defend their own experience in replies almost ninety percent of the time.
"Walk in another man's shoes for one day" is something taught as a young girl, my Dad always said you never know another person's life or how they go about it, so who are we to judge.
Yes I draw a lot from what I have been taught or experienced over the years and to be totally honest one never really has the answer to life.
Visiting from #teamsouthafrica
That's the best part about life, we are learning and experiencing things all the time. As time passes we grow. I love that saying and I often think about it. It really is a simple way of remembering to always be kind and understanding to others as you never really know what they are going through.
This got me thinking too.... Variables and how it's processed, differs for sure. So many things to take into consideration. I have also found, that sometimes my 2 cents worth is better left in my head because the person is not in a space to listen either from me or at that point in time... and so I keep learning
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this @jusipassetti
Thank you very much @kaerpediem. Yes sometimes it is better to rather keep your mouth shut as some people don't particularly appreciate what you might want to say.
I love your opinion on this. But one thing I can say when it comes to advicing a person is that sometimes advicing a person from our experience of that same thing may not be totally right. Sometimes it's better to listen to the person first, understand things from their perspective before we dish out our advice. The main point here is understanding!
Very good way to go about it @kweenbrand.
That's a very true perspective and one that people don't seem to realise, most of the time, myself included.
There's a reaon the saying came about 'put yourself in someone else's shoes'.
Judgement is far too easily passed.
That's exactly the saying that popped into my head while I was writing this. Thank you @therneau.
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I'm glad you have this realisation. Blessing to you.
Thank you very much @roselifecoach.
Thank you too.