Who I'm Not, Who I Am, and Who I Want To Be

I find it appropriate for my first article to be about who I am, which may be more clearly described if I also include who I am not (anymore). Who I want to be, I think is equally important to tell you since I have not become that person yet, not entirely anyways, and through the writing of my future articles I will be able to learn more about myself, and more clearly identify the things within myself that I would like to change.

In fact this is the first article, genuine and written in earnest, that I have ever written about myself. I am over 30 years old now and have changed so much in recent years that I find it difficult to summarize myself to any degree. I shall try. 

I suppose it would make sense to start with who I was, or rather, who I am not (anymore).

I was a boy once, born in Saskatoon Saskatchewan to a troubled young woman with addiction issues. My father was from British Columbia and the two had been separated since before I can remember. My mother is the reason for who I was, who I am today, and who I have yet to become. Most of that story is for a different article as I believe it will take us way off topic. By the time I was 12 my mother had died and I was sent to live with my father. At this point I  was very angry and I ended up making life very difficult for those who attempted to care for me, of which there were many. Most of my teenage life was spent on the streets here and there around British Columbia, but mostly in the Vancouver area and in Victoria. I did a lot of drugs during that time, mostly Crystal Meth, and had turned to crime to try to support my habits. I stole things from people's houses, from people's cars, and I wasn't afraid to cheat and lie to get what I wanted. My life carried on like that until my early 20s, when I decided to make a change. Drug addict, thief, liar, these are some of the things I am not anymore. I have worked very hard to remove those things from my personality.

There are many things I have changed about myself, as well as many things I am still changing. Sometimes people need a reason to live that is greater than ones self, for me that is my children. My children saved my life. They are a big part of the reason that I am who I am right now, and the motivation behind each and every step I take. My mother also gives me a great deal of motivation to do well and to do what's right, I know she would not be disappointed with what I have done so far. 

My eldest daughter has a really hard time in school, so did I. Our minds move quickly and can be very abstract, this is hard to learn to control and tends to cause us a lot of problems academically. Once I learned how to use my mind properly and bring to it something resembling organization I found that I was good at anything I wanted to learn which, at the time, was computers and video games. So I learned as much as I could about computer technology by talking to people I knew and asking questions, I worked at a call center for computer phone support as well as one year as a video game tester for EA Sports. As I learned more people started coming to me for help or to get their computers fixed. Soon enough I was making a decent living from computer repair and carried on that way for almost 10 years.

A lot changes in ten years, life, love, law... the world I grew up in doesn't seem to exist anymore, having gone through changes as swift and severe as the changes I had gone through myself. Haunted by dark memories I was determined to make something of myself, to try to build enough wealth to give my children opportunities that I didn't know existed when I was young. 

It's amazing how fast time goes by when you're focused on the task at hand. Before I knew it I had tried and failed so many times that I had lost the little bit of confidence that I had managed to build. I have knowledge and skill but, apparently, that is not enough to start a business. One requires extensive and specific knowledge relating directly to the goal one is trying to reach, experience, not just in the trade but with a great number of different skills and procedures it takes to run a business, money, more money, and HELP.

Knowledge and skill is not nearly enough to run a business and compete with other businesses in the community. I tried anyways but all of my endeavours were underfunded, and understaffed. One person  can't do it all themselves so I gave up trying to start a business. As an adult I suffer from a lower back injury as well as a shoulder injury that causes me to go through 2 surgeries and is still getting worse. I am not a reliable employee for things like construction or mechanics because I get hurt. I don't know when it's going  to happen or what I can or can't do to prevent it, sometimes I'm not even carrying anything when my back goes out, then I am useless for at least three days. I have tried and tried to get a job fixing computers but when I walk into the interview, all bearded and burly, I see all the other candidates that are at least as qualified as me and actually look the part. It's no wonder that I can't get a job in that industry, at least not in the small towns I have lived in. So I wonder "What now?" 

This brings me to who I am today, or rather what I am. I believe the most accurate descriptor for what I am today is "in transition"... again? Or maybe still. I am beginning to question some of the things I had learned in previous parts of my life like where do we (humans) come from, or what is really important to me, how i should raise my children, how do i make enough money, and how to become the person I want to be. I have given myself up to the universe, watching for God given opportunities while listening intently for advice or guidance, always aware that it will be my responsibility to see the opportunities for what they are and to step forward and make them real.

Through talking about who I was, and what I am, I have come to the realization that I don't really know who I want to be. I know I want to be kind, compassionate, confident, and trusted, but who the person is, what he looks like, and how he gets there, I can't see that. Perhaps, as I continue to learn and explore, I will find little pieces of this person and be able to construct (or reconstruct) myself according to my own values. Well it's worth a shot, and I will give it my best.

I think this is the end of this article, I hope some of you enjoyed this and maybe can relate. I have a lot to talk about but I don't always feel inspired to write. If you want to hear more about something tell me in the comments and I will find time to explain my perspective, and share my experiences.

Thank you for reading this! I am lostinthewoods. Happy holidays everyone and happy New year!