I Just Don't Feel Like Talking

The last few weeks I haven't wanted to talk to people much. If people knew what I was going through I doubt they'd understand or know what to say. Their words would probably just make me feel worse. People in my family like to gossip and they are terrible at handling delicate situations. I don't feel like everyone and their mother in the real world knowing what I'm going through.

I had a miscarriage. Technically, I'm still dealing with the effects of it and feel like crap. I started suspecting I was pregnant on Halloween night. I took my kid trick or treating and felt very winded for no reason and by the end of the night was nauseous and throwing up but I wasn't sick. Some math made me think and start paying attention to my body. I was so worried I was because November is my cursed month. Every year when November comes around bad things happen. Having had 2 miscarriages in the past, I was paranoid if I was pregnant it would end because nothing good happens in November.

A few weeks passed and the nausea and throwing up around the same time each day continued. But I didn't take a test. Then, my husband and I went on our first vacation in 8 years. It was ruined by bad weather and our daughter not being able to sleep. The traveling and lack of sleep triggered new symptoms and on the car ride home my breasts started feeling like they were being squeezed really hard all the time and aching....That was the symptom I had that let me know I was pregnant with my daughter. I knew in the car on the way home I was pregnant.

A test confirmed it and I was happy. My husband was happy. There's a unique kind of intimacy that existed when I was pregnant with my daughter between us and for a short moment that returned. My husband was very soft and sweet with me and I could tell he was happy. But it wasn't meant to be and shortly after I began to bleed and I knew it was over.

I got to spend my birthday and Thanksgiving having a miscarriage. My husband was wonderful and took care of me. I know he felt bad for me and was worried. On my birthday he went out and got a little bit of every food I love and let me stay in bed and comfort eat and watch TV. It was what I needed. He cleaned the house and did a lot of the cooking for Thanksgiving. It was hard to be in a room full of people feeling grief and no one knowing I was going through this horrible thing.

My birthday feast thanks to my husband.

It's been a weird one. The previous ones I bled and cramped a few days, the pregnancy symptoms went away immediately, and then it was over. I could move on. This one I got an infection and felt like I had the flu. I had a fever and felt so bad I couldn't get out of bed. Oddly, the pregnancy symptoms are still with me weeks later. I guess where I've had a baby before my body transitioned faster. I started making milk and I've had postpartum hormones a flowing.

To be honest: I'm okay. I'm really okay. I knew there was a good chance I'd miscarry. I have some things wrong with me that make it hard for me to get pregnant and at higher risk of miscarrying. I didn't let myself get attached. Deep down I've accepted and am ready to move on.

But my body won't let me. Postpartum hormones are a bitch and I can't control the depression I've felt. I've slowed myself down and allowed myself days to just wallow and lay in bed resting. I know all I can do is accept my body and its chemicals are all out of wack and I just need to wait for things to heal inside. As I write this my breasts are killing me and I'm still nauseous and I'm angry I'm still going through this.

To make things harder my husband's sister and my two best friends are pregnant and due anytime now. My cousin announced his wife is pregnant the other day. Deep down I'm happy for them but it also just makes me sad. Suddenly I'm aware of all the babies everywhere. I've turned off social media because I can't stand to read their posts.

The curse of November continues. Our fridge, dishwasher, and vacuum all died and can't be fixed the past couple weeks while I was going through this. It was so painful shelling out the money for a new fridge. The dishwasher and vacuum will have to wait a while. It's like November has to have new bad luck every few days every single year. I dread Novembers.

Thankfully, I made it to December. Things have been better. Things have been happier. We got snow which I love and I'm enjoying shopping for my daughter for Christmas. She's such a happy kid and words can express how lucky I feel that I was successful creating such a wonderful little thing. She smiles and laughs so easily and she makes me so happy. Having a miscarriage is hard but it does make you appreciate that child that you have.

But like I said. I'm okay deep down. Really. Sharing in writing has been a bit therapeutic since I can't admit I'm going through things to people I see in the real world. More than anything, I just wish my body would transition back to it's old self so I can move on with my life instead of me still feeling pregnant and knowing I'm not.

But anyways, if you haven't seen me around I just really haven't felt like talking about anything...even simple things like the weather. I haven't felt like being creative or writing. I've been poking in here and there to see how people are doing, maybe leave one or two comments. I haven't felt like commenting or socializing in real life or online. I'm getting back to my old self little by little. Hopefully, my body will normalize soon and I can start enjoying the holiday season. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I want to make it a nice one for my daughter. I know I'm lucky I have my daughter and I want to focus on celebrating her.