Is it Stupid if the Effort I put in Turns into a Failure?

Please forgive me if any of the following looks to be incoherent as I am writing at a time I should be sleeping. I can not get myself to rest so decided to ramble a little.

From Theodore Roosevelt

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat…

Nothing I do in my life will ever amount to anything as great than our former president. Still I indulge with delight how he is able to give credit where it is due. For all the mistakes I made in life and with all the troubles I have caused I still feel grateful for what I have.

Yet I tried and failed miserably. I put on the positive notion that everything will be all right but the consequences that will be given to me is yet to come. The anticipation of the punishment is as hard as dealing with it. However I have no choice but to live with what I have done and make better of myself.

Some of my past is no longer what I represent. Some of my past is still who I am today. What I choose to keep and remove in my life is part of what I consider the due process of molding the person I will become.

I can easily get distracted and lose focus. I can be easily be tempted and persuaded by others. I know I lack the courage when I need to speak out when I need to. Yet here I am. Still alive and moving. Therefore I still have time to mold myself to overcome these weaknesses or at the very least subdue them with all my positives.

Ever since I was in school I was always a C grade student. Quite literally an average grade student in most of my courses. B grades for math but that is because the math level was lower. Yet somehow in college I manage to beat out my classmates and received the highest overall GPA at graduation. (To this day I do not think I can ever get a higher achievement than that.)

Yet to achieve that I spend countless hours in the library and many overnights studying. I had days where I would get a bleedy nose just from keeping my head down too long while reading. The effort I put in is unmatched to what I put in today while at work or at my personal life. I simply had a desire to learn and I was able to channel everything I had into it while at school.

I never continued into graduate school because I feared I could not match my results in undergrad. I also hated how much effort I had to put in. After college I wanted to take it easy and having a simple life. Yet when I sent out my resume to prospective employers the list of achievements made me look more like a wannabe over achiever. That is not my expectation.

Yet out of fear of not meeting my employer's expectations I acted like someone I was not and did more than what I wanted to do to appease them. I even lied at home by never bringing up the fact that I hated work and hated what I was doing. All in the name of not looking like a failure. Over time I became someone that I was not and broke down. End result I humiliated myself in front of everyone and am a complete failure. No course of fixing my wrongs.

I must move on and focus as if this is my last day as a free man every single day from now on until I draw my last breath. The unwillingness to push myself or fear of failure must not burden me to become someone I am not. I have failed plenty of times and have done many stupid things that I wish I could take back. Yet I love the effort I put in when I am focus and whether or not a good outcome comes out of it I will have to let destiny decide my fate.

Thanks for reading.