Faking It

She wants another one

Intoned my mate Daz.

I staggered slightly as if I had been been attacked by a hammer-wielding fish. We had met up in the local park with our youngest children. It was a grey and dreich day. It suited his news well.

Oh my god mate, that's terrible. I am really sorry to hear that. Are you ok?

Daz swallowed manfully.

Aye, I'm just... You know, kind of in shock.

I didn't blame him. I think it was the dread of every man who was the father of two children. The creeping fear that one day your good lady will tell you that she wants to make it three.

People tell you it's easy and if you have two kids already then three is only slightly harder. Utter tripe of course. One of my friends had a third kid and now he has a squint and walks funny.

I getcha mate. One minute you think everything is good and your life is sorted then BAM.

He sniffed morosely.

Yeah, I'm just trying to take it one day at a time you know? You hope that she will forget it, that she was drunk when she said but no no. She is not for forgetting.

Something in the way he said that last part struck a chord in me. I looked at him with sheer pity in my eyes

Oh hell man, has she started on you?

Daz kicked at a stone. He looked up, eyes bloodshot and full of desperate pleading.

Aye, she's started alright. Pumped me rotten the last few nights. I'm pure knackered and empty.

I pulled a waking up with a spider in your mouth face.

Aw man. Have you tried telling her you're not in the mood or just giving her a straight-up no?

I've tried man, I've tried. She waits till we are in bed then she starts pawing at me. Whit can ye do?

I noticed the bags under his eyes then. The haunted look of the pumped.

I thought about the times I had been in the same situation and shook my head. Sometimes the burden of being a man is a very very heavy cross to bear.

Have you tried... Faking it?

Faking it? Like faking an orgasm? Like pretending I've shot my bolt?

Erm... Well, aye.

He gave me a look of utter disgust.

No, that's just weird. I'd rather take the hit. Anyway, men don't do that.

I nodded in agreement. Of course not, men don't do that. That would be silly.

He shot me a sharp glance.

Don't tell me you've done it?

Oh no mate, that would be weird. Men don't do that

I smiled and when he wasn't looking uncrossed my fingers.