Hankie Pankie

During the week, in order for me to get some sleep for work, I tend to sleep in the attic room and only pitch in with the baby wakenings if it's particularly bad.

Which is magic from my point of view. Until the weekend of course, when I come back to the hell that is the family bed. (Hell, because of baby wakenings, not because of ravenous vagina'ing)

The good lady is always taking the piss out of me by referring to the attic as the teenage boy's bedroom now because all my guitars are up there with me and it is a bit messy.

Just like a typical mother of a teenage boy she insists on cleaning it every once in a while.

Daddy? You really have to get a grip up there, the place is a mess!

Eh? No it's not, it's just a different tidy from what you prefer.

The good lady set her mouth in a grim line and cocked a hand on her hip.

No. It was a proper state. You are a man in your forties, I shouldn't have to be tidying up after you.

I leaned over onto one bumcheek to help a fart out before continuing my defense.

Listen lass, we just have different standards, that's all. Come on, there are bigger things in life to worry about, surely?

The good lady made a squoinking face as my fart trumpeted out to accompany my honeyed words.

She shook her head.

And another thing, when you have a cold can you actually make sure your snotty hankies land in the bin and not around it?

Now it was my turn to pull a face. I attempted to look as though an owl had swooped down and flown off with my penis.

What do you mean, a cold?

The good lady gritted her teeth as if taking to a dullard.

I had to pick up a pile of snotty hankies lying around the bin. I mean for fuck sake, make an effort!

I looked at the good lady. She seemed to be properly narked. Probably not the best time to cross her but hey. When in Rome...

Darling, I don't have a cold.

Yes you do, I picked up a pile of snotty hankies all around the bin. Disgusting.

My mouth twitched up in a cheeky smile.

Lass, I really don't have a cold.

I giggled.

But if you didn't have a cold why were there so many...

Her face twisted into a grimace.

Oh no. No. Tell me it wasn't that? Please say it wasn't?

She was looking in horror at her hand which had done the picking up.

I nodded in blunt satisfaction.

Yep baby, a man has to let the horse out of the kitchen occasionally. Or it all blows up... To hell.

Eeewwwwww!!

The good lady ran off.

I chuckled. I did have a bit of a cold but it was less fun to tell her that.