Magic Beans
Guys, Guys! Let's step back, yeah...
The IT consultant rose from his chair. His name was Jude, which had already made my lower intestine flobble as if trying to expel tapeworm eggs.
We were in a meeting about Cloud Enablement. We had tried once and failed. Now it looked like we were going to try again.
Things were getting heated among the attendees over our past failure and as a result, our highly paid external consultant was attempting to placate us mortals with his expensive wisdoms.
He stood and made patting motions downwards with both hands.
We cannot just sow magic beans and expect a beanstalk.
He said with hypnotic smoothness.
I jerked out of my almost slumber as if a farmer had just slid elbow deep within me looking for Roman coins.
Eh, isn't that exactly what you would expect?
I smiled.
Everyone stared at me as if I had started a small tapdance.
Jude shook his head at me.
No, that's not what you would expect.
He looked around the table for support and continued.
The thing is, yeah? The preparatory work has to be done for the beanstalk to grow.
Everyone nodded thoughtfully. One of the IT Support guys I had known for a long time, Half-Can Dan, piped up.
I get where you are going here. We have to lay the groundwork properly this time?
He leaned back as if expecting a round of applause.
Exactly, yeah? So we don't sow the beans without preparing the soil...
But didn't Jack just throw the beans out of the window? I don't think he did any preparatory work at all?
I interrupted.
The confident and easy smile on Jude's face slipped a little.
It's a metaphor, you're not meant to take it literally.
He said with a hint of exasperation at having to explain his shitty metaphors.
Ah, righto.
I tilted my head graciously and motioned for him to go on.
Jude appraised the room before stepping to one of the white walls and brandishing a marker-pen.
So guys, we attempted this before, yeah? Let's look at what we did previously and see if we can address where we went wrong.
He gave us all a winning smile.
Now remember, this is all about brainstorming not blamestorming.
I let out a deranged sounding snort.
Jude shot me a poisonous glance.
Half-Can Dan piped up.
We didn't do enough analysis the last time, eh.
Jude bounced on his heels.
Yeah, let's get that up on the board.
He started scrawling on the wall.
Half an hour of buzzwords and utterly useless ideas later the meeting came to a close.
As we filed out the meeting room we bumped into El Jefe.
Did you manage to run some good stuff up the flagpole then?
He beamed at us.
There were various grunts and nods. Jude launched into a spiel so positive it was as if he had been reading some chbartist.
Eventually Jude stopped talking. El Jefe turned to me.
And so BoomDawg, what's your view?
He yodelled heartily.
I looked at Judy and El Jefe and walked past them shaking my head.
We're gonna need some magic beans.
Such consultancy. Where do they find them? I feel your pain.
But on the other hand, remember: a positive attitude will implement things as if by magic! Much yay!
That's so true. Who needs hardware? Development? If we think good thoughts it will come!! :0D
My computer bugged out, so I talked with it and told it 'it was special' and I gave it a medal, and it was healed ;)
Sometimes talking can solve everything :0D
chbartist ... Hmm, that one wasn't even subtle. Come on Boomy old fellow, I thought you were the master of subtlety.
Just a metaphor, eh? reminds me of https://www.webtoons.com/en/comedy/dustinteractive/ep-7-leap-of-faith/viewer?title_no=907&episode_no=7
And I love me some magic beans. Also, who sows magic beans?
Haha, it wasn't subtle at all was it!!
Oh that's very good! I have never even heard that one yet!
The metaphor was very poor. It irked me!
Most of these meetings are a total waste of time and could be spent doing something more constructive. Jude sounds like a waste of time and money trying to justify his importance. I am surprised you managed to stay awake and half can Dan is a prime candidate for a promotion in a company like that.
Half-Can will never be promoted, in our place he should but somewhere along the line he made a terrible booboo and will never be forgiven!
I was most distressed by it all, I am ridiculously tired today and it was utter twoddle
At first I thought I also was at this meeting it sounded so familiar, it actually just reminded me of a class I took.
"How to have successful meetings".
Please tell me that that's not actually a thing. Please, please, please PLEASE!!
This can't be a thing. We haven't regressed that far yet, have we?
Why do I keep saying thing? Is that a thing?
It's a thing. Definitely a thing.
What's a thing? The class thing, or the thing thing. Or anything else, really. There's too many things.
Or are they all things? Is that a thing?
Ok, too far. Definitely too far. But at least taking things too far is actually a thing.
Any thing is a thing these days but like, back then no thing was a thing
When, exactly, was "back then?"
Saying vague things without explaining is not a thing, even though it is something done quite often.
Oh yeah. And congrats on 74, I noticed you were hovering on 73 for a while. When did you get it? Today? Or perhaps yesterday, from ADSactly's vote. In any case, you have my sincere felicitations.
(I had to double check that that meant what I thought it meant, you can get in a lot of trouble by mixing up words. Though most people, peons that they are, don't have the vocabulary to call you out on it ;)
But yeah, congratulations on that 74 thing.
Cheers! I only just noticed there by you saying it. I knew it was close, I think yesterday I checked and it was a few hundredths from it. Took ages to get from 73 to there.
Back then... You know, when this was all trees? It something like that.
That's a thing
Sorry 'bout pushing off my response for so long, I had things to do. Not really sure what things- some were productive, most were not. In any case there are many things to think or tink(er), but we seem to lose track in our rush to the brink. Er, that didn't really rhyme which is sad, for my poetry skills are immensely bad. I should really stop now. This poetry thing is just not working.
Any thing is a
Thing these days but like back then
No thing was a thing
- meesterboom
I'm a bot. I detect haiku.
Shudders they teach this!?!
Hanging is too good for them!
Yea!!!! The magic beans can grow a large tree with a twink of an eye without any water and care. You need that to do your work with ease without problems. That will solve the company's woes with productivity. Upvoted!
Hehe, maybe that's all we need!!
No good thoughts or vibes could save the Titanic. I think this consulting ship has sailed...
It seems to be where it's at. I am wondering if I could swallow up my cynicism and sail that boat myself!
Perhaps you could! Just watch out for the ice bergs...
Shitbergs I have heard them called in work!
So whose job is it to take the cow into town to sell?
Lol exactly. It would probably end up being me :0D
all magic beans has done for me is gave me gas, and it wasn't magic good smelling gas either... :-)
At least a big vegetation didn't grow our your chuff-!!
Maybe he needed to drop the magic because the magic beans became gi-huge-ic (youngest's word XP) overnight whereas normal beans take a little bit longer than overnight and don't get nearly as big.
Gah those meetings full of buzzwords, I hate buzzwords. One of the jobs I worked at in the city, I went to one meeting and may have lost a layer of brain cells. Next time they were like "fyn, meeting!" I was like "Does it involve UI? No? I'm just going to keep hacking then, let me know if anything comes up or yell if you need me." Did not end up in any more meetings after that.
I try my best to not get invited to any by being surly and it flippant but it doesn't seem to work!!
Kindly and regretfully reject their cordial invitation due to having an excessive workload ;D
That might work! CV half the time though it all sounds as if it might be a bit exciting and then crushingly it's not!
I vote yes on the magic beans! And I will just sow them and I will expect a beanstalk....after all...it's the only way, right??
It's the only way!! Don't forget toprepare your soil! :0)