Thursdays With Uncle Boom #42

Of course it's not easy. If it were easy then everyone would be doing it?

Acting Detective Superintendent Raif Falmerson looked up at me from where he squatted, his trousers around his ankles, a short length of pipe in one hand and the other balancing him against a tree.

It just seems the oddest thing old bean, to shit in a pipe I mean.

I sighed whimsically. Raif was a good sort for a Policeman despite having a face like a Turkey's wattle.

Well Raif, it's like this, he's not answering the door, yet we know he is in there. Therefore the only logical thing left to do is shit in a pipe and throw it through his window. I mean, come on. Don't they teach you anything in Detective School?

Raif made a nice and easy lemon squeezy face and then gasped.

Oh fucking god, I did it but I got some on my hand!! Oh god, quick boomy, take it whilst I wipe it off with a leaf or something.

I looked at the proferred pipe with half a shit sticking out of the end in some disgust.

I am most certainly not touching your shit pipe. Just throw it. You can clean yourself after the fact. Hopefully on the peasant's jacket.

Raif moaned slightly but stood up and faced the house that lay beyond the treeline. His trousers were still around his ankles and the hand that held the shit pipe wobbled as he hefted it over his shoulder and took aim.

It was not what I had planned for the day when I awoke on this fine Spring morning. Raif had called in on me quite soon after my morning brandy. He said he needed some help with a slightly unorthodox matter.

I lit my pipe and enquired as to the nature of this matter. At first, he was reluctant to divulge but after a few brandies his mouth got to flapping like my old aunt's undercarriage after her third child.

It's my boss, the Chief Constable, he suspects someone is diddling his wife. You know, with their penis. He doesn't like the idea one little bit.

I had put down my pipe mid-puff.

Someone is diddling the Chief Constable's wife you say?

Yes.

With their penis?

Unfortunately so, old bean.

Raif made a face as if finding out that his dog liked lemons.

I can only assume, given that you are both Police you have some evidence to back up this dastardly case of Wife Diddling?

Raif nodded wisely.

Oh yes old bean. The Chief Constable is no fool, he had fingerprints taken. His wife is quite fastidiously shaved you see so he got them from... ahem... source, as it were.

And so we had found ourselves outside a peasants house near Chorley Wood. Not just any peasant, it was the diddler's house.

The fact that he was a peasant was quite distasteful. The very idea of coming home to your good wife and inserting your penis matter of factly into her quim and hence getting smeared in another man's hot fish yoghurt is quite unbearable.

In fact, it was an affront to common decency.

Raif had been very keen for me to accompany him to confront the peasant and as a fellow gentleman, I was most pleased to. I had insisted on one thing though.

What's that old bean?

You should do as I say in this my friend. Follow my lead. When a gentleman's honour has been impugned things can get rather... well, ugly.

Raif had bowed his head.

But of course old bean. I defer to your expertise in these matters!

Go on then, throw the fucking thing.

Raif hefted the pipe with his shit poking out one end. He let fly with his arm and the pipe flew through the air, smashing through the large sitting room window of the house with a spectacular crash. There was a yell of outrage and movement could be seen in the room from our vantage point in the treeline.

Well pull your trousers up Raif, we are going in.

I charged toward the back door of the house which was opening inward. As it opened fully I got to it and shoulder charged the peon that was just stepping out.

He yelped like an Irishman discovering lettuce on his plate as he crashed to the ground beneath my weight.

I picked myself up and looked over my shoulder to see Raif hobbling towards us, wiping at his hand with a leaf. I motioned inward to the house and grabbed the peons collar and dragged him kicking and yelling inside.

Raif arrived and entered the sitting room tentatively some minutes later.

Inside I had propped the peasant on one chair and stood some feet away taking a swig from my hip flask.

Ah Raif, good of you to finally join us. You took your time. Was the shit on the hand particularly hard to get off?

Raif looked eagerly at the peasant, his hand slipping into an inner pocket.

Is he... Is he alive?

He asked, oddly eager sounding.

Of course, he is bloody alive. I presume you want to give him a warning or some such tosh?

I answered, looking over to the peasant who was strangely calm.

Raif took his hand from his pocket.

A warning? Well, I don't know Boomy. I mean, he is diddling the bloody Chief Constable's wife. With his penis no less?! I don't know if a gentleman can let that slide.

Well if you want to rough him up a little I can look the other way. You can trust me on that.

Oh milord, please don't rough me up. I can't help but be a diddler of women with my penis. I must have diddled that old sow a thousand times. I am such a naughty diddler I am!

Exclaimed the peasant.

You hear that Boomy, he is admitting it. Diddling a gentleman's wife. With his bloody penis for crying out loud?! What to do, what to do?!

Raif seemed quite upset. He began to pace back and forth.

I pulled my new knife from a concealed pocket. I called this one Jenny. She was a sharp pointy little thing.

Raif froze. So did the peasant. The tension in the room was thick, like a German's semen. Raif edged back, his hand once more straying to his inside pocket.

I walked over to the peasant, I pointed at him with Jenny. Then I turned to Raif.

As I say, feel free to rough up this rapscallion my good friend. I shall turn a blind eye...

I started to clean my nails with the tip of my knife.

Raif took his hand from his pocket. A visible look of disappointment on his face.

No, it's ok. I think he has learned his lesson.

I leered at the peasant then lifted my face up to look at Raif.

Oh well old fellow. If you are completely certain... After all...