Thursdays With Uncle Boom #49

in #life6 years ago

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I had travelled down to London to have my shoes polished. There is a chap down there that polishes them in the old school style with a horses penis and in Scotland that style of polishing just seems to have fallen by the wayside.

I asked my old friend Jeremy Zittern to accompany me. He is a fine fellow, despite having a face like a Toad's testicle.

After the shoe polishing we purchased a bottle of brandy and decided to do a little sight-seeing around the capital.

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We had a fairly pleasant time meandering along the streets, drinking our brandy, elbowing the odd peasant in the eye and of course, smoking our pipes.

As we walked over the Westminster Bridge we were drawn to a beguiling tune being played on a cello by some ragamuffin.

We stopped before him. He was sat on a small stool running the bow over the strings. The music was quite beautiful. Hauntingly beautiful in fact. I couldn't help but grumble as if a spaniel was biting my bahookie.

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I do say old chap. This young feller-me-jib is quite the talent. I don't think I have ever heard anything so exquisite in my entire life.

Jeremy whispered to me.

I studied the young pie-face. He seemed an earnest sort. In his early twenties by the look of it. Probably a bloody student. I wondered if he had ever played Badger's Tadger, it looked as though he had and lost repeatedly.

I took a swig of Brandy, bloody bottle was almost finished. The young snotch finished the tune he was playing and flicked his bow out toward a small box in which several coins had been deposited.

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Milord's. Perhaps you fine gentlemen would care to make a small donation?

I rumpled my face as if his mother had farted from her quim.

No, we bloody well do not. Come on Jeremy. Let's move on.

We turned to leave. The young fellow looked most put out as if I had ejaculated into his cat.

Stick it up your arse then you miserable bastards.

The young man muttered.

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He raised his bow and turned his back to us.

I paused in mid-stride before turning back to the cello-playing peon. I flung the now empty bottle of brandy at his head. It made a satisfying clunk as it doinked onto it's target, sending the young man reeling to the pavement.

I strode over to where he lay, unconscious on the ground.

Good shot old chap! Right in the bloody kisser!

Crowed Jeremy.

Thanks old fellow. Be a chap would you? Bring his cello case over?

Jeremy humped the cello case over and between us we stuffed the young flibbertygib into it. Jeremy had to jump on it a few times to get the catches to close.

We hoisted the cello case up and over the side of the bridge into the water where it made a satisfying splosh.

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You fellows! What are you up to?

I whipped around quickly with my cane raised. I swiftly lowered it again when I noticed that the person who had shouted was obviously a fellow gentleman.

He was wearing an ornate suit and had quite the spectacular arrangement of facial hair. Like an exotic clam.

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I tucked my cane under my arm and pulled my pipe out.

Well old fellow. We came down to London to get my shoes shined.

The bearded clam chap nodded approvingly.

Ah yes, the fellow with the horse's doofer?

He said, nodding more.

The very one. This beggar then had the gall to play a shanty on his fiddle and ask us for money. So we threw him in the river.

The bearded clam chap had a look over the side.

The cheek of the peon. Well, I cannot fault you on that. I see you are out of Brandy? Would you like to come to my club over there for a drink?

He motioned with his own pipe toward the Houses of Parliament.

I looked over at the ornate building to the side of the bridge.

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The Houses of Parliament eh? Well, I dare say we could pop in for a snifter. Couldn't we Jeremy?

Jeremy grinned, like a dog having it's chest vigorously rubbed.

The bearded clam chap took my hand and shook it.

My name is Tommy, MP for Herefordshire. Come, the streets are no place for a gentleman to doddle when the sun is out.

I shook his hand.

Boomy, and this here is Jeremy.

Tommy examined me closely.

You look like a fine sort sir. Have you ever considered running for office, taking a hand in governing this fine country?

I looked at the Houses of Parliament and felt something quite peculiar stir in my chest.

I smiled at Tommy.

Well Tommy, old fellow...

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Sort:  

A bit of manoeuvering to get rid of those silly parliamentarians chosen by the rabble and you'll be Lord Protector in no time!

Lord Protector and higher!

After all, posthumous execution doesn't hurt at all. Go for it!

That which doesn't hurt us or something something! ;0)

Prime Minister Boom. Has a nice ring to it! If you had run the country, I'm sure that it would usher in a new era of prosperity! If anything, at least it would help decreasing the population to less than a half!

It is a known problem this pesky over population of the earth!

You know, if you're going to ask for money from Boom, do it decently after getting the money if you're going to insult, do it, but run as fast as you can, otherwise you'll end up swimming with the fish lol

Never a truer thing said. In fact of you see uncle boom you should just run like the wind!!! :0D

Hooo London. what a good place to get a great shine from a shoe, from a child luster shoes to an old school, I must admit that he did not know that luster was best with a horse's penis. I already imagine to the tioBoom and Jeremy Zittern elbowed everywhere who would pass by his side.
the violinist received his due, now he will wander the world inside the violin case
another great episode dear friend @meesterboom
I wish you a happy evening

There is no better shine on a shoe than that given by a horse's doofer! :OD Cheers @jlufer!

Uncle Boom as Prime Minister! Well, I say old chap! What a bloody marvellous idea! Merry old England would never be quite the same...

I think it would be quite a splendid idea too!

Oh my goodness noooo! Can you imagine a world where Boomey was the prime-minister?!!! lol None of us mere peasants would ever be safe again!
Oh and a spaniel would never do such an unsavoury thing ;)

Haha, spaniels are the bloody worst... Will, next to Alsatians and labradors!!

He would be a great prime minister! :0D

Farted from her quim!! Ewwww and haaaaa! Do you know I have the vivid imagination of a kid? Now I have to figure out how to get that image out of my head, LOL!!

It will never leave!!!! :OD

Somehow, I don't think this will help Britain.

Lol! Couldn't make it any worse ;O)

Oh dear, that could make for quite an interesting calling to order for the next parliamentary meetings. Uncle Boom could be laying the boom all government style. Just remember that with great power comes great responsibility.

Just imagine the size of his cane should he get in there!

The beggar had made a wrong move in offending you and Jeremy. I hope the young man is still alive. Please, meesterboom run for office but don't go on hurling your citizens into the river if your feelings are hurt. Upvoted!

The river is the only place for them!

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