Thursdays With Uncle Boom #65

in #life5 years ago

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I alighted from my motor car outside the grubby little pub, The Fiddy Duck, in a less than respectable part of town. Morris, my driver moved round to the back of the car to fetch a bag from the boot.

My good friend Lindsay Benrith got out of the other side and made a whoomfing noise as he stretched his back. Lindsay is a fine fellow despite having a face like a half-chewed banana fritter.

This the place old chap?

Oh yes indeed.

I checked my watch. We were still some ten minutes early. Oh well, I took a long drag of my pipe and blew a cloud of blue into the night air. I sensed a young street scamp watching from an alleyway.

I knelt down and found a large rock and affectionately flung it at his head. There was a loud crack as it connected with a hollow thunk.

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Oh belter, Boomy! Look at that, what's that, like forty feet distance?!

Lindsay danced a little jig in celebration of my throwing arm as a young vagabond slumped into the street from where he had been lurking moments earlier. He had a large dent in his head.

I tittered.

Morris? When you are finished with that bag, have a chew of that raggy peon over there, would you? The face mostly. People can't abide a chewed face.

Morris grunted and headed over to the still twitching peon.

I turned and gave Lindsay a mock salute.

Shall we?

We headed to the doors and pushed our way inside to the clamour and wet heat of the The Fiddy Duck.

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I poured a tumblerful of the gut rot they called whisky here into both myself and Lindsay's glasses. We had already tanned a bottle of the muck. It seemed quite necessary given the tripe that we were being forced to listen to.

In front of us on a small raised stage was a man was speaking. He had introduced himself as The People's Philosopher. He was a florid-faced, indignant looking individual, his face resembling a Pig's arse with teeth.

There was only a small but simple crowd of some ten or so man-peons. They seemed to like the shit he was talking.

... So you see... Show me the evidence, show me empirical evidence that this...

The Philosopher waved all around him.

That this is real. Show me something that can prove this is not a dream or an illusion. A construct perhaps of our diseased minds?

Several of the watching crowd ooh'd at that as if they were cows hooving themselves.

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Lindsay spluttered on his pipe and glanced over at me.

Is that our cue?

I inclined my head slightly like an Irishman kissing a dog's Tam O'Shanter.

Lindsay stood up.

My good friend here can prove it. He is somewhat of a Scientist...

A hush fell among the peons at the blasphemy of the word scientist. The Philosopher looked slightly irked as if his Aunt had made a poor job of taking up the hem of his trousers.

A Scientist you say, can he not speak for himself?

The Philosopher chortled as if to calm the crowd who were looking jittery at the thought of someone sciencing them.

I unfolded myself from my sitting position and walked slowly down to the little stage, Lindsay followed a couple of paces behind.

I am he and no, I would rather not say too much. I would prefer to let my Device do the talking.

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I reached the stage and stood a couple of paces from the Philosopher and gestured with a flourish behind him to where Morris was dragging something in from a side door that looked like a gym bench attached to a giant corkscrew.

You asked for evidence, my dear fellow. I have it here! This device will show you the truth of the universe in one easy application! Morris, strap him on and we can introduce him to... The Augur.

The Philosopher yelped as Morris manhandled him face down onto the bench and strapped him to it before starting to tug at his trousers.

What are you doing? What is the meaning of this? Are you fucking mad, let me go. Hey, get him away from my arse!

Morris had pulled the Philosophers trousers down now exposing the pasty buttocks of People's Philosophy to the air. They looked horrid. Like giant rats bellies.

Oh well. Who said science was easy?

I motioned to Lindsay who was targetting the giant corkscrew of The Augur at the Philosophers downtown clown.

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He nodded and grimly started turning the big old thing. The Augur. was essentially a long corkscrew, made of iron. At least a foot long and six inches wide. Rust from previous use flaked off it as it turned.

The Philosopher started screaming as it twisted it's way up his back snarler. Morris obligingly stuck a bundle of rags in his mouth to mute the racket somewhat as I turned to the small crowd.

I do hope you are enjoying the show ladies and gentlemen?

One of the men in the crowd passed out in a dead faint as The Augur. finally corkscrewed its way to a halt, a foot deep in the Philosopher's derriere. I pursed my lips in disapproval. Fainting? Already? I hadn't even finished.

I waved a hand at the Philosopher and then swung it back to the audience who were still standing.

I modelled my scientific device when opening a bottle of bloody wine the other night! Can you believe it? Inspiration can strike at any moment! Amusingly enough, you might get a little wine right now?

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Morris pulled the rags out from the Philosopher's mouth. He was still conscious although his eyes were bulging so much that they threatened to pop free from his skull.

From his mouth emitted a high pitched whining noise.

I clucked happily.

See!! I told you, Wine! Now, let's prove the universe we live in, really is real, shall we? Shall we?

I turned to the Philosopher and knelt slightly so he was staring straight into my face.

Tell me, do you believe this really is an illusion, that it might be a figment of something or other, a hologram or some such nonsense?

The Philosopher twitched his head from side to side in little jerky movements. Bloody froth forming around his lips and bubbling between his clenched teeth.

There was a deathly silence and my heels clicked quite eerily as I walked around to the arse end of the Philosopher.

Well, let's see if all this is real or not eh? Morry? Lindsay?

I said with great cheer, taking a hold of a hand grip on the shaft of the The Augur.. Morris and Lindsay also took hold and with a great heave we pulled it out in one gigantically swift motion. A great gout of blood and purple fleshy stuff came gallumping out with it.

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The Philosopher screamed, a torn and ragged sounding noise before his body spasmed and went limp.

I turned once again to the small crowd and grinned a Jackal's grin of burnt things and torn arse'istry.

Anyone else fancy getting all Philosophical? No? NO?

The crowd quailed beneath my gaze.

I thought not, remember, if anyone asks you what happened here tonight, feel free to plead ignorance... After all...

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Sort:  

Sometimes I am less happy with my vivid imagination showing me a full color movie in my mind when I read a story. This is absolutely one of those times. Now I have to go out and get some beer in. So there is at least some kind of a happy ending.

I have found that beer does help fig the imagination somewhat!!! Especially in this case :0)

He should have listened to others when he was a child, sphincter muscles are very important. A proper man would have bent that cork screw.

That's the spirit indeed, bent it right out of shape!

A face like a half-chewed banana fritter? That's pretty tame Boomy.

OH GODS YOU MORE THAN MADE UP FOR IT IN THE REST OF IT.

XD

Hehe, that's why it had to be tame, for the horror to follow!!! :0D

yup, that's about as real as it can get! this could be made into a great horror film... hmm let me see, Night of the Torn Assholes?

That sounds catchy enough!

oh dear, so gruesome today!

Lol, it was a touch, must be cheerier next week!! :0)

Wow! Another one of meesterboom's masterpiece on how to torture and kill a person slowly. I can't imagine the excruciating pain from the so called Philosopher when you corkscrewed up his arse. I will be covering my eyes if I'm there. Upvoted!

I would run away screaming!!

The philosophers last thoughts ...

I should have taken the other fucking pill!!!

I think that is a definite yes!!

But what if a philosopher whines in a forest and no one is around to hear; will he still die?

And how long will it take to fill the bath under such circumstances?

Valid questions!! Ones worthy of some proper philosophising!! Maybe without the Augur though!

sir meesterboom! first of all Uncle Boom has some of the ugliest friends in the world! lol. and then those horror flicks Saw, they ain't got nothing on you!

Much worse to come I am sure!! Lol

I am pretty sure that most augers have a variable speed forward and reverse auger rotation..

Sounds like you and Morris and Lindsay took the shortcut, but, I don't want to know as a gentleman never tells.

Thank God.

Hehe, oh yes indeed they do but sometimes you just have to tear the bandaid off as they say!

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