When Trees ATTACK!

in #life5 years ago

IMG-PHOTO-ART--1120707307.jpg

The new guy stood up and moved to the white-wall at the side of the meeting table.

Hi everyone. So, for those of you who I haven't met, let me introduce myself. My name is Cline and I'm the new Security Consultant.

Cline beamed confidently at us.

Which was probably his first mistake as we were a bunch of raddled, long in the tooth ICT folk who had seen a myriad of consultants fly through the place.

Nngh.

Muttered the room. There were only five of us and it was hump day so we couldn't be arsed.

Cline grinned even wider at our collective grunt of acknowledgement as if we had all got our boabies out and were entwining them with each other into an elaborate cats cradle that he could turn and fall back onto in the way of that classic team building exercise.

He pulled a White board marker out and waved it at us as if he were a silent movie Zorro.

I am relatively new here but I would like to talk you through what we call an 'attack tree session.'

There were some ums and ahs. Patently no-one had any idea what the fuck he was talking about.

Including me.

Yes...

Attack tree... Right... Definitely...

The folk around me started to wing it for fear of looking foolish. I had no such fear. I quickly rattled through a few options in my head

Was it like one of those classes in the gym, Body Combat or some such tosh?

No, that didn't seem quite right. Was it some new age, machine learning pish which somehow ended up with all of us in the room naked and smeared in raspberry jam?

I had a quick scan about me, old Buffalo Bill was nearing retirement, fuck. His balls would be like elephant ears.

I decided I had better find out quick about the naked, jam smeared wrestling so I could feign illness if it were the case.

Cool. Although, what actually is that?

I said, tapping my pen sagely against my chiseled jaw.

Cline capered like a puppy peeing on newspaper.

I am so glad someone asked! I was worried I was in a room with five old pros!

He enthused.

I threw him a steely eye. Had he implied we were gnarled old prostitutes? I could still get my leg behind my head, not so gnarled there eh?

It's where we map out attack vectors!

He waved his marker at the wall like Obi Wan Kenobi watering his roses. Before finding a spot and starting to draw frantically.

He drew a box.

Right. Now, let's say a virus compromised one of our machines?

He wrote virus on the first box.

Then he drew a line to another box.

I sighed and raised a hand.

Yes, BoomDawg is it?

He pointed his marker wand at me all too familiarly.

So it's a flow chart?

Cline looked a little cross.

There is a bit more to it than that.

He replied testily.

Hmm. Ok, back in a minute, I just have to take a call.

I waggled my phone about as if it were a protein shake.

Oh, yes, of course. See you in a minute.

Said Cline brightly as I left the room.

I shook my head.

Not fucking likely matey...

Sort:  

Uowwww, i am scared
!dramatoken

It's a terrifying thing! :0)

There is nothing wrong with Elephant ears as we will all have them one day minus the trunk.

Oh come on!! What about all that expensive moisturiser I smear on down there to prevent just such an eventuality! :OD

I didn't know Anusol was a type of moisturizer lol.

Hahaha, oh good, that reminds me. One of the good parts friends was telling me it read really good for something I can't remember what but I was like, eeww, I'm not putting that on my face!?!

I also heard it was good for ladies who have wrinkles around their eyes. It does something apparently firming the skin.God knows how someone found that one out.

Maybe someone was running someone who has applied it to their piles and missed? Oh man, that's too much!!

Attack tree, haha, giving flow chart a cool name does not make it any less a flow chart!

Hehe, I know, in fact it made it seem even more glaringly a flow chart!!

What, in the history of anything, has a flow chart ever truly accomplished?

You know you might have a very valid point there! I tried to think. And nothing!

When you've seen one flowchart, you've seen them all. Can't believe he tried to hide behind a tree, in an office.

I think more people should try and hide behind some trees in the office! lol. Yeah, It was pretty bog standard. I like some different shapes at least! :)D

Worry not, Sponge Bob has a shape for you!

texas.gif

Wahahahaha!!!! That did make me laugh!

Hate when that happens, And what WAS that ending again? Somehow I missed it. Think I got lost within the visuals of our MB, sitting in the altogether on the conference table at room center, both feet tucked behind his head, *elephanteens laid out on the Formica®, all smathered in Huckleberry jam. Yikes. I am, unfortunately, a major visualist of delicate constitution.

*(sorry, I realize you're not that old)

Haha, for a minute wheni was reading your fine description I felt I was that old!!! :0D

Oh no, nothing but the spry-est of individuals there. It just fit well within the bounds of discussion


The shit that people occupy their time with

And worse yet, they love it!

Some people love their own voices and like to sound clever - they can also talk them out of every situation but go and look at their work................. never up to date. Love the big words, sort of like our government talk and talk and steal away and do nothing.

Big words hide sneaky gestures!!!

This meeting bored me just reading about it...

And that's the abridged version!!

What, no Ishikawa Diagrams but attacking trees? Sheesh.

I am sure the ishikawa will come!

Mental note:

Never attend team building meeting with Boom-Dawg

Hehe, yeah, there ain't much team!

I had to go to one of those sort of days, we were all strangers, so we had to stand, introduce ourselves, and give the reason we were there.
Apparently, "Because they said there was free lunch", wasn't the answer they were looking for/

Neither is because my boss told me to lol!!

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