Death and thoughts of leaving.

in #life6 years ago (edited)

I feel somewhat out of sorts. I am thinking about death a lot and I'm sure it's normal since I'm like 100 years old now, but who knows? Just being honest. Lately I feel that sinking, familiar feeling of desired invisibility creeping back into my moods. The other day I was trying to figure out how to delete my steemit account. I am fine saying that to you. It had nothing to do with the price of steem. I just feel too noticed sometimes. Can you even delete a steemit account? I know everything stays here forever, but just curious.

I have a job again now and I do really strange things sometimes. I perform tasks for companies that I can't name here. But I do things like speak phrases into my microphone and I rate the visual appeal of certain sites in comparison to others.

I have to decide sometimes if websites should be labeled as "adult" or "not adult." Anyone who did a website history search of my hard drive would think I'm some kind of freak or something. It doesn't pay alot but money is money and I get to still be able to work at home. Winning is winning sometimes even when it feels like you're losing. I hate porn. Just throwing that out there. A job is a job is a job is a job. Don't judge me.

A car almost crashed into me today. Deathly thoughts again. It made me ponder about my mortality. If I died today you'd never know it. You would't know. I could be dead right now and you'd not know it. Because the blockchain wouldn't tell you. Maybe @yestermorrow (Carcosa Hali) would know because we are "real life" friends and he'd probably hear it on facebook and then might tell some people here.

I always wonder if anyone will listen to my music after I die. Back when I was struggling with suicidal tendencies I became very much in the habit of searching for songs by musicians who had committed suicide themselves or died tragically. It's how I discovered Elliott Smith (stabbed in the chest), Joy Division (Ian Curtis..hung himself in his kitchen), Sylvia Plath (head in oven).. Ernest Hemingway (shot himself.)

I know other people do that, too, because whenever I do a search for them there are always sites that list questions from other people asking the same thing.

After I discovered Elliott Smith I became a bit obsessed. I felt like I knew him. I would talk to him sometimes as if his spirit could hear me. I wonder if that's a thing. I'm pretty sure it is.

And I used to watch this one specific video of "Between the Bars" over and over again, I am still so very much in love with it. I even covered it. Here's me covering it. I can't watch this video anymore because it has my very darling cat, Jasper, in it. She's trying to get my attention while I play. She was my first child, so to speak. She mean the whole world to me. She died almost making it to 18 years old. So, yeah. I miss her too much to see her on video. I'm sure some of you get that.



This was in 2009 or 2010. The date on youtube says 2017 but that's just when I re-uploaded it after accidentally deleting my first youtube account, which I had had since YouTube was first invented basically. I lost all my followers, and you probably won't believe me but there were many thousands of them. I was so so so angry when I lost it all. Some videos I could never get back like the one I worked so hard on for "Not Dead Yet." That video was cool.

Here's the original "Between the Bars" by Elliott Smith.



Well I was going to say a lot more but I have to get back to work. Much love to all of you. Thanks to anyone who's been watching my little videos lately and to those who listened to me on the radio shows I've done. (3 now!) It means a lot to me when anybody pays attention to me, even though I really don't like being watched. That is the weirdness that is Serena. What is life? You tell me. I've got not clue.

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You're a gem on this earth, please stay and lighting our world's

My dearest Serena – I fear you greatly underestimate the significance of your presence here; we'd notice far faster than you imagine we might. Of that, I'm quite sure.

I, for one, very much appreciate 'the weirdness that is Serena.' You're one of my favorite people on this platform...hands down.

I adore your tender heart and its poetic leanings – there's a delicate magnificence in its language; an eloquence that speaks directly to the most vulnerable parts of me.

In fact, the effect of your soulful songs is not so unlike the way Elliott Smith's songwriting has always moved me. 'Between The Bars' will always be one of my absolute favorites. Your rendition is gorgeous, of course. The two of you are kindred spirits – that part of you that wants to disappear; he shared that desire.

I saw him perform live, twice – once at Amoeba Records on Haight Street and then again at this tiny little dive bar in SF. He was so close I could've reached out and touched his face. Between songs he'd take a puff off his cigarette, then tuck it between strings on the head...smoke billowing in patterns as he played.

It was so obvious that he didn't like the attention – he was incredibly transparent, and appeared so uncomfortable with all of our eyes on him. Yet he made himself do it, anyway. And he was so humble and gracious when I approached him with a poster I'd torn from the wall. I still have that, somewhere; wrinkled tape still stuck to the bottom edge – his signature scrawled across his moody likeness.

I was in Taiwan when he killed himself. I sobbed for hours when I heard the news, then again, each time I heard his songs....I'd cry a little – for years after that. Yes...I was that much of a fan. He was such a brilliant, tortured creature. His influence on me can primarily be heard in the way I finger-pick – with just my thumb and forefinger – just as he did.

I hope you don't disappear for a very long time to come. But...for what it's worth, I'd mourn the loss of you just as surely as I've mourned the loss of Elliott. Please don't go yet.....k?

Warm Hugs and Cookies,
xo • zippy

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Chill everybody... they were just ugly thoughts. Serena, you're going to be fine... Working those shitty micro-web-jobs will bring anyone down. So just take a break, have a smoke... you know, the regular... <3

#andthengetbacktoconqueringrealitylikeweplanned

ok thank you for the confirmation bc i didnt feel the alarm everyone did after reading the post myself.

Ohh noo everyone I didn't mean this in anyway like I'm about to go jump off a cliff or delete my account here or anything. I mean maybe someday. Not today! Just blahhh,, mehh that kind of thing. I love you all I am so embarrassed to cause such a fuss.

Sometimes you just gotta get those blaa thoughts out of your head and onto the digital paper. I think it helps you with processing them when you write them down and look at them. It's easier to sort them out and make some sense of the jumble of thoughts that were in your mind.
No need to feel embarrassed.

I love you all I am so embarrassed to cause such a fuss.

You shouldn't. Feel embarrassed I mean ;-)

I'm glad. We all love you back <3

thank you for the confirmation, after reading the post my intuition told me you were having a creative introspective moment. cool beanzzzz

i love “back to porn” 😂🤣😂🤣😂

That is the weirdness that is Serena.

And that's the sweetness of Serena. And the beauty of Serena. And the presence of Serena... If you were to disappear, I would notice, as would every other helpienaut and other persons who enjoy your presence so much. Not only for your beautiful voice and music, but like Meno said in the meeting we just had: "helpie just wouldn't be the same without her".

It is funny, like you say, how big a presence you are, how visible you are to all of us, and yet you prefer not to be seen by so many... Well, I'm afraid that's a burden you'll just have to carry: too late to change that now. Your absence from our lives would be noticed in no time, sorry.

End preaching here. Just want to let you know I feel fortunate to be touched by your exitence. Hang in there.

Much love and hugs and cookies <3

Just wanted to let you know I am right here if you need me. And if you need your temporary space it is ok too, just do not rush decisions when everything is dim and blurry by our own dismal thoughts. It is natural to feel down simetimes,I do not want you to go, I would not force you to stay. Just know I am here.
I think of death too, but in similar situation mypanic is the contrary, I fear death, having been or thought to be close to it at some points in my life made me aware how time flies, and that I might cease to exist, think or dream.
Take a day off, go and walk barefoot on grass. Breathe. You know best than anyone. Your calls.
Balance is a complex thing and most of us struggle to keep it.
Hugs

I don't know you but I stumbled upon your post and I hope you will be alright. It's good to write and get feelings down. It makes me feel better when I do even though my posts aren't half as decent as yours. I never heard of that guy Elliot before . Thanks for sharing and your cover is excellent by the way. I will share one of my favourites with you. By villagers. Have a listen and hope you enjoy. Id like to hear you cover it. Tried myself but the licks are too bloody hard!

im joining this little love party here because you have absolutely no clue how important you are to me. This whole thing, helpie and cookies would not be the same if you were not here with us.

I love you my friend

I had no idea you have a radio show, hit me up on your next one, I want to be there!
I know your feelings right now in the sense where I am feeling you, your energy.
I cannot tell you to not delete your account on here as that would make me selfish to keep you here with us which would mean that I would be stealing your time. Time is precious. I am big on that. It is the one thing that we can never get back and yet it is the one thing that we cannot buy and one that we spend on others and for other things so generously.

I say do what you need to do for yourself but I do ask to be able to stay in touch with you if you ever go. I may not be there often/enough. But I am in spirit. As my time is often taken from me by my family and needs that make things quite difficult.
You are loved my friend. Know that it is genuine, just like you <3

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