Dealing With Bullies - Three Kinds Of Manipulation

Manipulation is divided into three categories Dr Pat Allen, the psychologist and author explains. Her seminal book “Conversational Rape” explains these manipulations and how to deal with them in simple terms. It’s a simple read/audio that is worth reading several times over. For $10 Dr Allen not only shows you how to recognize manipulation but gives real world examples with how best to respond and how not to respond.

https://wantistore.com/books/conversational-rape/

This post is part of a trilogy.

• Dealing With Bullies - A Simple But Genius Way Part 1
  
• Dealing With Bullies - Three Kinds Of Manipulation (this one)
• Dealing With Bullies - A Simple But Genius Way Part 2
  <-- The best part, go straight here if short on time

Manipulation has a bad connotation but in fact it’s simply how we try to get things done. Whether it’s manipulating a fork to get food into our mouth or another person through our words and body language.

Three Types Of Manipulation

Intimidation Through Fear (ITF)

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ITF is when we “push” another to do or act the way we want them to. It can be as obvious as yelling at someone, threatening them or as subtle as simply talking a lot. This was a surprise for me when I first started learning about this. I used to talk a LOT in a past relationship. Explaining things etc. Not angry, simply explaining with enthusiasm. On seeing this Dr Allen informed me that I was being intimidating and this blew my mind. I was happy not angry. I was helping! But in fact my verboseness was intimidating. Further below I give a short example where it was done to my child by a teacher.

Some example sentences:

“I won’t be your friend if you don’t apologise to Debby”
“If I can’t see you this weekend then I can’t do this relationship” – implication breaking up.
“If you do/don’t … I will …”.
“I will … if you don’t do/think/speak as I say”.
“You will fail your exam if you don’t do as I say”.
Speaking “at” a person with a lot of words.
Police use it a lot. First they will try to negotiate then very quickly move to intimidation through fear. Threats of arrest or physical violence.

Intimidation Through Shame (ITS)

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ITS is when we “push” another to do or act by using shame. It’s particularly powerful and insidious. It happens a lot through TV and in politics. One example - during the 2016 US presidential election Hillary Clinton and supporters were calling Trump a bigot, racist and misogynist. Truth of those allegations aside, interestingly this was not really directed at him (even if it was I doubt it would have an effect on him). It was in fact intimidation through shame directed at the rest of us. The voters. Through shaming him they were actually trying to manipulate the actions of voters. By association if a person happened to agree with Trump then that was shameful. Now before this causes an eruption of politics and craziness I’ll move onto other examples. All sides of politics have made plenty of use of manipulation.

Some example sentences:

“What’s wrong with you”?
“I can’t believe you’d do that”?
“Don’t you …. Can’t you ….”?
“I wouldn’t do that”.
“Get a real job”.

A very powerful force in the west is the MeToo movement. It has used all three types of manipulation but I think intimidation through shame is by far the most often used. Identifying an individual, making accusations and then shaming them with it. We can see just how powerful this can be and again this ITS is not necessarily only directed at the target. Witnessing these things also has an effect on the rest of us (ITF). Affecting our thoughts and behaviours.

Seduction Through Guilt (STG)

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This is when we try to make a person to do, feel or say something by “drawing them toward us”.

“Don’t you like me”?
“What did I do wrong”?
The victim narrative is seduction through guilt.
Begging.

It is very powerful and works for groups as well as both men and women, however it tends to work better for women than for men.

But Are These Manipulations Bad? Don’t We Need To Use Them Sometimes? Aren’t They A Part Of Life?

Yep. We do need to resort to these manipulations from time to time but as with everything there is always a price. When you intimidate someone to do something they like you less, they start to hate you. They don’t trust you. They don’t want to be around you. They don’t want to help you. When you seduce people through guilt they lose respect for you and if done enough they start to not like you. They know something is not quite right. They might even literally fight you.

It’s not limited to one side of politics but as an example the democrats and Hillary Clinton have paid a big price for some of the manipulations they used during the election. A lot of people literally hate them now where they didn’t before.

Negotiate First.

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Dr Allen recommends negotiation first. Negotiation is a move toward win/win where manipulation is win/lose. You want this I want that, let’s see if we can make that happen.

I was on the train in Los Angeles and a crazy guy locked eyes with me. He started intensely talking “to” me and asking questions. I could have pushed back as he was disrespectful and a little threatening. But instead the negotiation basically went like this (without him realizing). I’ll listen to you encroach my boundaries asking me where I’m from, what I do in that intimidating way and after a few minutes you’ll have had enough and move on. And that is exactly what happened.

But if you’ve run out of negotiation options or if the other person is incapable of negotiating (eg narcissistic people struggle to negotiate) then you may have to result to one of the manipulations. Just know that there’ll be a price.

A man sitting nearby was upset at the guy on the train referred to above. He didn’t like how disrespectful he’d been. Later they had an altercation of words as he chose to push back with intimidation through fear himself.

Intimidation Through Fear By Teacher

I witnessed this in the playground recently. My daughter had apparently pinched another kid on the arm because he was calling her a butt head. A teacher saw this and pulled her aside. He was going to fill out a “red rules” form which in itself is a more obvious form of intimidation through fear and shame – aimed at modifying the behavior of a child in a positive way. But what he didn’t realize was in his effort to try and help my daughter he was talking a lot “to” her. Sentence after sentence. He was not angry. He was making good points. But the speed at which he was delivering this information was intimidating and overwhelming for her. He’s a really nice guy and had no intention to intimidate. It was unwittingly done and with the best of intentions. My daughter was of course crying because she was upset at getting in trouble. She felt bad. But she was also being intimidated. It was overwhelming and scary for her. So I asked the teacher to stop and I led the communication. I had him speak in only a couple of sentences and then give space for her to speak. Thing is, this is really hard. Not only was he busy with a lot of kids, she didn’t want to speak. She was stressed and crying. And her story was changing as she was learning that each iteration was “not ok”. So then we had her sit by herself to gather herself and he and I spoke. He was making all the right points and I was in full support of what he was saying (just not how). After a while he went over to her, kneeled at her level and explained what was not ok. At this pace she was able to understand and before long they had agreed she would not do it again and there was no need for the red rules form. Everyone was happy, all had been heard and my child had learned something.

This is part of a trilogy of posts.

• Dealing With Bullies - A Simple But Genius Way Part 1
  
• Dealing With Bullies - Three Kinds Of Manipulation (this one)
• Dealing With Bullies - A Simple But Genius Way Part 2
  <-- The best part, go straight here if short on time