Pretty Sure I Am A Psychopath
There. I said it. Bring me the mask from "Silence of the Lambs".
OK, I haven't worn another man's face yet, nor I intend to, unless I can't find a better idea for Halloween. But I do have moments where I just ponder "Hey, I should be feeling something right now other than total neutrality".
Please Don't Call The Police On Me, I Can Explain...
Since I was a little kid, I noticed that I don't really register emotions normally in some situations. In cases where I was supposed to feel stressful or scared or empathetic, I was dead inside, without the emo connoation of the term.
Yeah, the title is misleading and it's there for the shock factor. I DO feel and I DO have empathy. Sometimes the latter manifests out of nowhere and it's quite deep, but also fleeting.
And that really makes the whole situation more interesting.
I could be walking down the street, see an old man and feel sad on an existential level, about the state of humans once they get passed their productive years.
At the same time, that said man gets hit by a car, his brain makes a magestic 10 meter vertical and I am sitting there, slurping my double chocolate ice cream, with caramel chunks, like I am in the cinema.
That has never happened, so I may be wrong on this. But there are more mild situations where I've been the distant, harmless cousin of Tend Bunty.
For example:
Back in school, we got in trouble using a desk as a skateboard to slide down the stairs and accidentaly hit a girl (yeah, just a fucking scrath on her leg, what a cry baby). Naturally, we were sent to the principle's office, where an obnoxious teacher started lecturing as about our behaviour.
(Note we were 12 or 14 something like that.)
"You are a disgrace, you could have killed her. You can be expelled or even go to jail (L O L). I am calling your parents BLA BLA BLA".
My friend started crying and said he was sorry. I just couldn't even muster the required energy to fake an emotion. I felt NOTHING.
The teacher was looking at me, waiting for a reaction, something he could work with. An apology, a sign of reform.
They called our parents in and all that shenanigans. I overheard the teacher telling them:
"...at least the [other kid] cried, he responded. [Your son] didn't say a word. He seemed confused, no remorse at all. I don't know.."
I thought "Am I suppose to feel something? It seems that everyone is expecting me to feel bad, but I don't".
But I almost cried when I lost my favorite pen some days later. What the fuck was that...
Perhaps I am reallocating the emotions, dunno.
I have more examples like that, even some gloomy and grim ones where I was supposed to feel SUPER sad but I didn't.
I even had to fake emotions just so I didn't offend other people. As I grew older, I realized that I care about a selective few. But to such deegre, that I don't get bothered with anything unless it includes those 3-4 people or ME.
Yeah, ME. That was the piece of the puzzle that was missing.
I had a fucking ego the size of Hillary Clinton's hypocrisy. I just disguised it very efficiently.
Narcissim and Empathy
What if I told you that highly empathetic people are also garden variety narcissists?
It seems like an oxymoron, but think about it.
If you assume that everything is your responsibility and everyone is dependent on you... where does that put you in the dominance hierarchy?
For an empath, everything revolves around them. "I feel bad for him/her, I have to do something, it's in my control".
ME ME ME.
I know it's kinda blurry, but the people who need to understand this, get it.
You care so much about anyone, like you are their patron, one step above them.
It is a double edged sword...
Anyway, if you noticed, I used past tense when I was describing myself. That's because as I grew older, I developed more nuanced emotional responses that can potentially include more people. While I still retain some of my maldaptive features, I can safely say I won't go the the asylum any time soon.
You can sleep without fear I guess.
-Thatredbeardguy
P.S- I hope everyone understands that most of the stuff I wrote apply to a fairly large group of "boys". I say boys and not men, because it's mostly pre-pubescent boys who have issues acknowledging their emotions. Now, could you upvote and resteem this post please? I hope you do... if you don't that's ok... I don't care... I am not snappy at all...fucking piece OF SH...
More super duper posts from me:
I also have a T W I T T E R I don't use.
YOU ARE NOT A PSYCHOPATH !
I know this because i have much trauma from psychopaths, and healing from that, i had to learn a lot about narcissism / psychopathy.
The guy in Silence of the Lambs is not a psychopath.
That is a characterization, a hollyweird mockup of the bad guy villain.
A narcissist has no warm empathy.
They cannot feel for another's pain.
It doesn't exist inside them.
It is not that narcissist has no emotions, they have plenty, but they are all about themselves. And their main emotion is fear of losing control, not being in control.
Highly empathic people are not narcissist by definition.
However, highly empathic people have a tendency to be abused emotionally, a lot, and so... tend to get cold. Put on a mask of not feeling.
This is what you seem to do.
Try this guy's videos out. They will clarify much.
"Yeah, the title is misleading and it's there for the shock factor. I DO feel and I DO have empathy"
Don't worry man, I KNOW I am not a psychopath, I am just playing with words. Most of these pathologies usually include a wide variety of underlying psychological AND biological problems, so it really blurs the limits of the terms.
As for the narcissists: I didn't conflate psychopaths with narcissists.
I did... because, the DSM 5 has removed psychopath and replaced it with narcissist.
I prefer the DSM 4's term psychopath and sociopath better, because it is a much more apropos title.
The problem is, the psychopath is to everyone very well mannered, and socially gregarious person. But to his prey, he is a gas lighting manipulator who will turn every one of your friends against you and drain you of everything, including your sanity and health.
Hmm... it's certainly one interesting topic. I consider myself quite empathetic. Basically it's like I'm sucking others' emotions like a whore. It actually gets rather annoying sometimes around emotional people because I can't "turn it off". I guess that's why empaths might get attracted to psychopaths – because they're stable.
But then how I decide to react to this absorption of emotions is completely another story because I don't give a crap about most of the people and what they are feeling, I'm busy enough with my own life. Maybe that's next level evil: recognizing and feeling the emotions of others yet not caring about them.
Only those closest to me I care, but I'm not trying to make anyone feel anything else than what they do at the moment, I think that's a stupid idea, be an empath or not. If that's what other empaths are doing to alleviate their own discomfort caused by the emotions of another, I guess their idiots, most people are anyway, unfortunately. Surely some empaths fit into the mix also.
Best thing is to just listen what's on someone's mind if they feel like telling and not actively trying to change how he/she is feeling, they'll figure it out.
Unless you fall into the antisocial spectrum, everyone is empathetic. You cannot really function, as it serves a reference model for our behaviour. That said, there are people who tend to score higher on the agreeable scale (which has a correlation with the traits we refer to as "empathy").
"Maybe that's next level evil: recognizing and feeling the emotions of others yet not caring about them."
This is what manipulation and the dark triad traits are all about. That's why I say that narcissism and high empathy can go hand in hand a lot of the times.
True.
I see, though I don't try manipulate anyone, I just avoid. But is that inadvertently manipulating people then? After all, my behavior still affects those around me. I don't know, I still wish no harm to most of the people, even though I might not get along with them.
You should check your MBTI type. You probably have Fe in your stack and that should shed some light. Obviously, you are not high on DT traits, but you should still consider their role in how otherwise "positive" attributes like empathy can also be used to harm others.
I've always identified as INFP. With decision making I'm all about how I feel about it. If I feel strongly about something, nothing can really override that (Fi). I mean, I can pick up emotions, yes, but I don't think that alone means having Fe because the other part of it is the decision making. I see where Fe is coming from prioritizing the feelings of others first, but the description of it doesn't really sound me like how I function. But I don't really think much in terms of MBTI anymore, it has/was really helpful for me years ago but I have kinda "moved on" from it.
I do see the value with the "dark side" and how it can make for a more balanced character. Balance is important with everything, I've come to realize.
Nice one, I am 100% narcissist and I agree with what you said here.
Do you really believe that?
Btw, people with high cognitive intelligence are rarely lead by their emotions when comes to the present moment, or at least is what I believe.
Either way, we all are broken one way or another :P.
You are definitely not a psychopath. Crazies normally won't admit that they are crazies. They just can't help killing, eating or torturing people before killing them 😂
I know I am not a psychopath, obviously.
But I would argue that depending on the situation, many people on the sociopathic spectrum don't have a problem admitting their pathology.
Sounds like high functioning autism. I am HFASD and my two youngest kids. Lots of experience here, as well as, with other ASD families.
Although many boys are not actively taught how to identify and resolve their emotions too. There's also that. Or a combination of both. So many grow up just feeling "something" but unable to identify anything beyond the basics: loss, afraid, pissed, cool, excited, etc.
It's also not unusual for early pre-pubecent boys to not feel guilt about doing what they felt like doing. I hate to say they don't give a damn, but that early testosterone jacking boys up, is certainly something unique.
This is the one argument I have in recognition of gender. Hormones make us all quite different. Even a boy with lower testosterone is going to have a stronger low-end emotional reaction than one with higher testosterone.
Also, not all bullies are angry or have been traumatized. Some kids are just a$$holes. Little boy in the park told my daughter she was pretty, and then kicked her sandcastle. It's corny but it worked. She chased him and thought about him (in a bad way) all day. She'll never forget him. Mission accomplished?
Oh that boy knows his stuff. Hate and love are one kiss away.