Allowing myself to feel (I'd rather be human than a robot)

in #life6 years ago (edited)

Hey everyone. Here it comes: A post about the mysterious mind, emotions, feelings and dealing with low mood periods.

Over the past years, on the search of "myself", I've been gradually allowing myself to feel more of my emotions.

First because I thought, it will allow me to understand my highest potential better. Back then I was a semi-professional martial artist, making a little bit of money while fighting in the rings of Thailand.

(yes, this is 18 year old Sam :)))

But later I realized that "knowing myself" (whatever that meant) may in fact be a key not only to higher performance, but to experience what I was so deeply yearning for: LOVE.

My conclusion back then: In order to feel love, I've got to allow myself to feel at all.

Not an easy task as a man - especially when you get somehow conditioned to ignore your feelings.

If I wanted to experience and feel deep love, it also meant to be willing to open myself up for "not so pleasant" feelings. 

But to me, as a man - or rather boy, it was scary to surrender. To allow myself to cry, to feel hurt without trying to cover it with the so-well-practiced badass poker face. Or overplaying it with random acts of frustration. It just took me more courage than stepping into any fighting ring.

Feeling more... both the "good" and the "bad"

With allowing myself to actually FEEL more - I also opened a channel that challenged me greatly. With the good feelings, the highs - I also started to feel the lows - the dark side.

(Today I'm not even sure anymore about what's good and bad, as it seems that the "dark" moments were the ones that taught me the most.)

At first those dark sides made me regret to have ever entered this realm of "feeling more".

"Perhaps there were right," I thought. "We men are not meant to feel."

But it was too late.

It changed my life. First to the worse - because I was really close to becoming the all-time-whiny gut-less wimp. Then, later to the better. Because I somehow started to see a pattern.

What I learned about moods and emotions

The pattern I recognised was this: My moods seemed to constantly coming and going. Ever-changing. Like my thoughts and my emotions.

They are constantly passing.

The only problem: The mind somehow always believes that the current state I'm in ('high' or 'low') will last forever.

Yet, from the essential craziness of my emotions and the inability to deal with them, I somehow started to understand them better. 

To me, there was simply one recognition that always gave me so much peace: It will pass again.

I sometimes feel that our moods are a bit like the heart-beat-ghetto-blasters (I don't know the correct word for it...hold on: "Heart Rate Monitor") in the hospitals. Beep. Beep. Beep... 

As long as it beeps we ride the wave of emotions and feelings, and highs and lows, ups and downs. It can be a rollercoaster and suck at times... but hey... It beeps!

Being a robot... not for me

I picked up somewhere that the feeling itself is not what creates the suffering. But our resistance to it. Meaning when we "think that the particular emotion shouldn't be here".

If I compare to my teenage years and the time in the army, where I'd simply shut all my feelings down - the struggle of feeling "too much" was all worth it.

After all were human, right? (Upvote bot, I'm not talking to you) 🙂 Haha, I mean we're human (I hope strongly that humans actually read my posts)... 

...and aren't we here to feel, to taste, to love and dance and learn and grow and to experience all that life has to offer for us?

I'm leaving this question open, because ... I don't know... 

...but what I know for myself is this: I'd rather feel the shit and darkness than nothing at all. Because as my moods come and go, as long as it "beeps"... I know that I'm alive.

How about you? What's your relationship to your emotions? Have you experienced a similar conditioning than I did? Let me know in the comments.

If you like my posts, then head over to my channel and subscribe. Or visit my private blog, with short, uplifting and notes - daily.

Thank you for reading, and best wishes, 

Sam

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What a beautiful thing it describes and I can tell you that the experience is on the surface, we are a reflection of feeling and expressing on every occasion, as you said, "as long as we are alive", it is the key, we feel for the day to day and to be able to show it is wonderful, we love it in every cry, when we laugh and if it touches you in the ring, then just thank God.

so glad to hear this from you @elestilodeunafea . I agree with you, it's key to feel. Because we're human... Have a great rest of the sunday and talk soon to you!
Sam

Excellent post.

It appears we have traveled much of the same terrain.

Resteemed.

Namaste, Jaichai

wow! thank you my friend! @jaichai, I always appreciate you and your comments so much! thank you! it's so good to have you around!
Sam

What a wonderful post @sams-world.

Because as my moods come and go, as long as it "beeps"... I know that I'm alive.

This is what keeps one going even in darkness. For there is always a new dawn. What's currently happening is not stagnant, it's temporary and it is bound to change at some point. I really enjoyed reading this article.

Also I visited your blog. It's so interesting. I read a few articles. I'll be reading more as I am on my summer break. One of the lines from one of your article caught my attention:-

We don’t need more experts and concepts. We need an open heart. And an open heart doesn’t care about “the secret spots”… It knows.

Thank you for sharing :)

aww, so glad to have had you as a visitor of my blog @illusions16, wow, i'm having a big big smile on my face.

yes, the posts there are usually a (tiny bit) shorter than here on steemit. At least this is how it is now... again thanks it was so great to hear from you my friend! Talk to you soon!! :)

Sam

...but what I know for myself is this: I'd rather feel the shit and darkness than nothing at all. Because as my moods come and go, as long as it "beeps"... I know that I'm alive.

Couldnt have said it any better, my friend! As bad as our worst days are, its what makes us who we are. Its what gives us strength to continue and fight for those beautiful days that are sure to come. Another great post! Eddy the snail would be proud! ;)

thank you so much @smylie2005, yes i think Eddy would like it too, and I think Eddy also has shitty days sometimes...

but he just creeps on and on... he takes it easy... :)))
it's so good to read your comments btw. they are so uplifting! thank you!
and until soon! :)
Sam

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Personally, I find that when moods are dark I get comfort from helping. Doesn't matter if it's an animal, or a person. Dark moods often involve feelings of powerlessness. By helping, I exert control over my environment. Plus, it really feels good to see the effect I have. Even if I'm just feeding a hungry animal, or reaching out to someone else who's obviously having a bad day. A word, a gesture might make a difference.
Anyway, it works for me. Fortunately, my dark moods do not come often.

Hey @agmoore, oh yes I agree with this and experience the same. Maybe the act of giving places to focus away from the "little-poor-me" onto something that actually feels meaningful?

Thank you for your point of view, it was so good to read! Imagine everyone would just start to give to others - when they have a bad mood... :))

Wishing you the best!
sam

Thanks @ sams-world. Same to you!

Wonderful post - I think we learn and grow through our emotions (when we feel). I've never been afraid to jump in that water however some feelings are more pleasant than others. :) Great post!

thank you so much :) yes, I once picked up this line: "It's the windy times, that bring the boat forward." It made me smile, as I seem to learn most from the "hard" times.
thank you again for your words! It was so good to read them :) Hope to talk to you soon again!
Sam

So true, @sams-world :) We learn and grow the most during those difficult times. I like that analogy/quote you supplied - great one to remember.

A beautiful journey into the maturity of feelings and emotions.

It is true. Most of us grow thick skins to repel what we don't like, and that comes at a price. We can't feel what we want to feel either. To be true to your core, you must be able to feel your own self, as well as others. In order to influence others and form relationships with them, you must discover yourself first.

We humans aren't designed to be robots.

I'd rather feel the shit and darkness than nothing at all.

That is precisely what happened to me as well. I'm pretty sensitive and I tried being a robot. But unfortunately, it was stifling. I could not be a robot. So I turned towards the other path. It was difficult at first, but then I realised that it was a journey towards greater mastery of the self. And I always like a challenge. At that point, I started out in my journey and my ex broke up with me the same day that my childhood friend died. A ton of turbulence just to start all of it off. Perhaps fate wanted to assist me with this challenge and make it even more difficult.

I used to have panic attacks and other mood swings. After about two years of constant effort, I was succesful. It wasn't easy, but now, god damn it, life is surely much calmer and beautiful.

man I feel you. I can relate so much with what you're saying. About 1.5 years ago, I experienced a breakup - so painful, so much misery.. and at the same time, it brought me so much goodness. It changed my life for the best. It was the perfect opportunity to get to know those feelings. To allow myself to be sad, to have pain, and to learn from it.

Haruki Murakami said: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Say you're running and you think, 'Man, this hurts, I can't take it anymore. The 'hurt' part is an unavoidable reality, but whether or not you can stand anymore is up to the runner himself.”

what it shows me: Shit happens in life... :) the way we deal with it, is in our power.

I'm so glad for your experiences and growth. I can say the same... sometimes a low mood cloud passes through my life.. but it's just so much calmer and nicer than a few years ago...

Great to have you on this journey man :)

Great to find a fellow passenger!

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