If I Could Turn Back Time

in #life6 years ago

I met this kid and he is so cool that I am bananas for him and wish I could turn back time so we could hang out every day and it wouldn't be weird. Alas, I'm more than twice his age (and no, this fascination isn't romantic). He's just so super cool I want to be gay BFFs with him. As in, I could totally go full lesbian and be his gay BFF. Cher is singing in my head right now.


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It's a strange feeling, but I think I've parsed it. If I could have been friends with this little bro when I was teen, I could have fully embraced myself. That's what he does. Even when it sucks to be him (and when does it not suck to be a teen?). It's inspiring. I never had half the gumption he demonstrates just by rolling out of bed in the morning. Add to it that he's a writer and artist and, hey, what's all that racket? I'm building a time machine.

Aside from being able to love and accept my queer self at an earlier stage in life, I think the benefits of having a bestie like this kid would include taking risks. I'm a mother who was abused as a child. I learned not to take risks because not even home was safe, which means a lot of the living I dreamt of doing went un-lived. At 36, I'm finally shedding inhibitions. And as a mother, I see how good it is for kids to stretch, try, even fail. I want my kids to take risks so that they grow into responsible adults rather than repressed and depressed ones.

Self-expression was strongly limited. I grew up listening to Golden Oldies and had to turn my eyes away when there was kissing on TV. When I tried to present as male for a time (I really hated that I was a girl because I was taught vagina = sinful), I was gendered back into straight female quicker than you can say "taco." The combination left me sexually inhibited to the point I required years of therapy to be able to enjoy physicality within marriage. I could unpack so much more here.

The gist is this kid is living his life. He's fun. He's trustworthy. He's interesting. Smart. Adorable. Artist. Writer. And just such and awesome person. He's a freaking unicorn. Why were there no unicorns where I grew up?!

Bananas. That's what I am. It's embarrassing. Moms aren't supposed to be jealous of their kids' friendships. Is this a mid-life crisis? I think I'm still too young. . .

Anyway, better get back to hunting for a TARDIS.

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Thank you for sharing your experience @shawnamawna.

I'm so sorry to hear home wasn't a safe place. Living repressed, limiting self expression and handling depression is so hard. I would hope future generations will be more accepting and more welcoming. The world needs more love and nurturing. I'm just a few years younger than you and I still struggle with my own identity and not being happy with myself when looking in the mirror. It took a long time for me to discover who I am and what people want me to be. Willing to be something I'm not just so I won't be alone and have a partner. I wish growing up people were more welcoming and encouraged to come out and not be ostracized. I wish I could go back in time and bring out the person I am inside and nurture that spirit. I'm trans and I've been repressed my whole life. I have parents pretend conversations never took place or with old school ideals and frown upon it. I hope starting my thirds will be different. I beat cancer, I'm embracing who I am and I hope I find a partner that accepts me too. ^o^

Our lives is a journey and has many chapters for us to grow and overcome many hurdles. I don't think you're going through a midlife crisis, I'm erasing it from the dictionary! It doesn't exist! ^o^ Our story will be spectacular, it will be wonderful and will one day inspire others. ~~\~<3

Thank you for sharing this, @kittysilhouette. We do deserve to be accepted and celebrated as we are. I'm so grateful to have your voice here and to be connected to you now on Steemit. I'm a bit choked up from your words. I'll be reading you.

Such openness and honesty!
Totally not creepy, you explained yourself very well

😎

What a relief!!

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