The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Five

This is a candid recollection of my memories working at Kwiksave (the now defunct discount supermarket chain) as a ‘Stock Lad’.

I wasted over FOUR years of my life in this horrible dump, and still wake up with nightmare's occasionally thinking I'm still there.

Some of the names have been slightly changed simply to save my arse in case anyone takes offence at some of the details regarding my facts or opinions. Many of the people mentioned are now dead as this happened so long ago, but their siblings are not.

This will be a multi-part article as there is simply too much to tell in one sitting. I hope you find it as entertaining as I found recalling it from my brain.

Other articles in the series:
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part One
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Two
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Three
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Four

Source

‘Some kids are best left to fend for themselves, and others were born to stack shelves’ – Steven Wilson

One of the tasks in my early Kwiksave career that I despised was the cleaning of the floor. I wasn’t employed as a cleaner, so why was I expected to be one!

This black smooth asphalt surface covered the entirety of the shop floor. When it rained, people walked all over it with dirty shoes, and it quickly became a muddy grey colour with the accumulated dust turning to mud. There were no external cleaners in these early days though this would change later.

Myself and Graham were expected to work overtime (this was mandatory) after work hours to clean the horrible floor on a regular basis. Yes we did get paid overtime, or at least I did.

Even that lazy bastard Mort helped clean the floor to some extent, the reason being he would have had to stick around longer if he didn’t! Supervising the cleaning of the floor would have been a more descriptive analogy.

Supermarket’s constantly play music; that was a standard policy in the 1980’s. Kwiksave had a tape machine in the office with around three different tapes of music from the period. The tapes were constantly played to death, over and over and over again until the songs were a permanent part of my memory.

Being an avid fan of the music charts during this time period, I knew every song played backwards. However because the company was made up of complete tight-asses, they wouldn’t pay for the original recordings.

The music therefore was not by the original artists, but performed by some cheap entertainers.

Over time the music threatened to drive me insane, I can still remember some of those songs that have still not been erased from my memory.

Source

I can no longer listen to Body Talk – Imagination, Green Door - Shakin' Stevens, Making Your Mind Up - Bucks Fizz or Intuition - Linx to this day. The scars are still in my head, never to heal.

I referred to the music as ‘noise’, and used to beg Sharon the supervisor to make the noise cease as soon as the doors were closed to customers.

I can’t count the first Christmas really as I had only been working for around a month, however I do have some memories about Christmas 1981. The Human League were topping the charts with ‘Don’t you want me’, and a red blooded @slobberchops was looking for love.

I managed to get a few Christmas kisses from the checkout girls. My definition of a kiss in 1981 was to jam my tongue down the hapless female’s throat; I was a little inexperienced in this department and a bit of a sad case.

Sharon, who I still think had a thing for me, asked me if I wanted another after my crude approach. I was ready to oblige for course!

Marianne, after backing off hastily told me to ‘get a girlfriend’ while Linda seemed a little bewildered but didn’t pull away when I did the same. The ‘girlfriend’ did eventually arrive but that was to be later.

Source

That Christmas Eve, Linda asked me to babysit for her kids as she wanted to attend a Christmas party. I agreed, and was transported to her house somewhere in Stacksteads.

The kids begged me to let them stay up even though I was told not to let them. I gave in and let the older one do so (the younger did crash upstairs in bed).

I remember watching ‘Roots’ the TV series and Linda was a little pissed at me on returning to find the eldest still up. I didn’t get asked to babysit again.

I can’t remember how long Graham worked at Kwiksave or why he left, but it must have been around six months. This part of my memory is a little fuzzy, probably due to little activity besides the tedious job of endlessly stacking shelves. I think it was around the time when the following incident happened.

One day someone told me that Mort was no longer working for Kwiksave. I was initially in a state of shock and denial.

I can’t remember the exact time or who my informant was, but it was rumoured he was caught stealing knives, forks, plates and spoons from the staff canteen and was subsequently fired. The cutlery in the canteen looked like it was from the 1960’s. Old bent forks, chipped cups, cracked plates. What the hell was Mort thinking?

Source

Who did the firing, I have no idea? Mort was top dog at his branch, so it must have been one of the roaming Area Manager’s. Who was the snitch, was it Sharon? My admiration grew despite the bad blackened incisor.

I was overjoyed at the news. I skipped down the aisles wooting and tooting with renewed vigour knowing Mort’s career at supermarkets was finished. I never saw or heard from him again.

Source

To be continued...

All stock photographs I have used are filtered as ‘Labelled for reuse’ or 'Labelled for noncommercial reuse' and the sources have been cited.