The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Six

This is a candid recollection of my memories working at Kwiksave (the now defunct discount supermarket chain) as a ‘Stock Lad’.

I wasted over FOUR years of my life in this horrible dump, and still wake up with nightmare's occasionally thinking I'm still there.

Some of the names have been slightly changed simply to save my arse in case anyone takes offence at some of the details regarding my facts or opinions. Many of the people mentioned are now dead as this happened so long ago, but their siblings are not.

This will be a multi-part article as there is simply too much to tell in one sitting. I hope you find it as entertaining as I found recalling it from my brain.

Other articles in the series:
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part One
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Two
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Three
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Four
The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part Five

Source

‘Some kids are best left to fend for themselves, and others were born to stack shelves’ – Steven Wilson

The Time of Many Managers - January 1982.

After Mort and Graham’s departures there seemed to be a different manager every week. I recall some and others I don’t.

The replacement for Graham was Iain Smithson, a former YOP formally working for Clive Nuttall of Cartpetsave.

I welcomed Iain as I kind of knew him already due to the Carpet store being at the front of the main store. I think this was now a fully paid role for him, though I may be mistaken.

The one thing in common with all these managers is that they were all young. Sometimes they hung around for weeks and others it was a different one every week.

I can recall only TWO of the ‘many managers’, though there was probably eight or nine over the next nine months that frequented the store on some kind of rotational basis.

Andy Haworth was a good guy, he did work alongside the stock lads and was very fair. He was a fan of metal music, especially AC/DC and you would hear "Touch Too Much" or some other track thundering out of his car before you could actually see it trundling along the road and into the back shop car park area.

I owe to him for influencing me into the Bonn Scott material, such as ‘Highway to Hell’.

Source

Pete West was a little different. He could be a real bastard sometimes, but was reasonably fair most of the time. He had an eighties black moustache and a centre parting. I can still see the image of him in my head. He was also a huge music fan, so we had a little in common if he was in a good mood.

Having vacated Carpetsave, Iain seemed to lose his old nickname of ‘Boy’ that Clive had given him and gained a new one, ‘Welder’. This one was akin to his genitals area and something one would do with them that also had the same ‘W’ letter. I won’t elaborate any further, but I’m quite sure it wasn’t me who christened him with this colourful new handle.

It didn’t appear to faze Iain to be named ‘Welder’ and so the name stuck.

After being a solo slave to the shelves for so long it appeared the Kwiksave hierarchy had reconsidered what a reasonable number was in terms of Stock Lads. From just ME, Welder was now working alongside me and now another YOP was about to start.

Brian was another acne-ridden lad straight from school, and was very likeable. Why were these YOP’s always a dermatologist nightmare?

The atmosphere was immediately improved; the managers were mostly unassociated with rectums and we had enough staff to get the work done. Yes, things were looking up.

Brian or ‘Brainless Brian’ as Welder used to refer to him as, was a Burnley Football Club fan and one of these people who didn’t just go for the football, but sometimes for the violence.

Football Hooliganism was a bit of a problem in the 1980’s. Some people went just to start a fight and not to see the game.

He really didn’t seem that type but constantly used to talk about ‘Titheads’. I learned that a ‘Tithead’ was actually a law enforcement officer or Policeman, and the term came from the unfortunate helmets that they wore.

Source

Brians’ tenure was rather short-lived, and I was wondered if Welder had scared him off. By June 1982 he was gone only to be replaced by two more YOP’s.

I can’t remember the name of the long haired hippy kid who joined; he could barely talk never mind stack the shelves. To say this one was a little short up there was an understatement. Two weeks later he was gone.

There was a good reason one was a YOP and why one, AKA ME simply refused to be one!

The other new starter was named Gordon. This was a rather unfortunate name to have in 1982, due to the song ‘Jilted John’ that had hit the UK music charts 4 years before.

Anyone named Gordon was simply a moron, because of Jilted John’s lyrics. Apologies for the Jimmy Saville footage, but this was the only clip I could find.

Source: YouTube - Jilted John - Jilted John

Gordon was OK, very friendly, a little overweight and was constantly heckled by Welder because of his name.

‘Gordon is a moron, Gordon is a moronnnnnnn’, went the terrible singing when we were in the back-shop and out of earshot of customers.

I must confess that I did jibe him about it too. He took it all with shrugged shoulders, and I’m sure he had seen and heard it all before. I wonder if Gordon Brown was ever called a moron?

Like Brian before him, Gordon was gone after 3 months.

By September 1982 a major change was to happen, ‘The Time of Many Managers’ was to come to an end and a new manager was to arrive with his contingency.

To be continued...

All stock photographs I have used are filtered as ‘Labelled for reuse’ or 'Labelled for noncommercial reuse' and the sources have been cited.