Pulling Yourself Back From the Darkness
I woke up this morning with a message in my heart that I felt called to share after having some vivid dreams last night.
We all have a little bit of darkness in us, a little ball of negative energy that we can choose what to do with as we move through life, at least that is my belief. I affectionately call mine my “little demon.” It’s like the little devil that sits on one shoulder in those corny cartoons while the little angel sits on the other shoulder.
This energy is made up of the negative self talk, the negative self image, the anger, the resentment, the bad days or bad situations that we have experienced in life, and/or the bad feelings that we sometimes find ourselves with for no damn reason at all. Some people actively choose to focus on this energy and it consumes them so their world becomes negative.
I used to be one of those people that focused on the negative and I surrounded myself with people that chose to do the same thing. But, not anymore. And it is possible to change.
Making Choices
We all have choices that we must make and our lives are determined by those choices. Each day that we wake up, we make simple choices like what to wear or how to style our hair that day or what to eat for breakfast.
Then, there are the much larger choices like whether or not to attend college and what to major in, what type of vehicle you want to drive, or the people that you choose to form attachments to or to have relationships with.
The Biggest Choice of All
The biggest choice of all that we all must make on a daily basis is whether or not to LIVE! And I mean this in both the literal and figurative sense.
I lost someone close to me two months ago now and the pain from that loss still eats at me sometimes if I let it. But, I consciously choose to honor him and his life every single day by thinking of the fond memories instead of the loss. I still feel his presence with me as I go through my day and it comforts me. He may be gone from my sight but he will always be with me in my heart.
Unfortunately, he didn’t choose to live. The pain of living for him every day was too great and he told me that often. I am a spiritual person and like to let my light shine out because I have experienced the darkness and it’s not a place that I like to be. I tried to help him to find the light again but I was too late, I guess. He made a rash decision with a gun when he was drunk and that is a choice that you cant take back.
If I could talk to him again I would want him to see how many people love him and how many truly miss him. The funeral service was beautiful and the room was overflowing with people that were there to celebrate his life. The thing about the darkness is that it can draw you in and convince you that you are alone with only the darkness for companionship. I was there, so I know.
My little sister chose to take her own life in early 2017 as well. She was a beautiful soul that just radiated warmth for everyone around her…I will never forget that. None of us knew the depth of her deep depression until after she was gone. She was going through something alone when she had so many people that loved her and were supporting her.
From the outside, she looked like she “has the perfect life but inside is dying a little bit each day because I feel so lost” (her words from her journal). Jess had the good job, supportive boyfriend, a home, a car, and was taking some college classes. Everything she had ever wanted for herself she had or was working towards. The darkness doesn’t know boundaries and can try to corrupt anyone from any background.
Her smile was one of those megawatt smiles that makes you want to be near to her. I miss her every single day and I’m grateful to have so many wonderful memories.
The gift that she has given to me personally is that now I can recognize if someone is not feeling the best mentally so I try to bring comfort and positivity to their world when I can.
Taking Back Control
My first piece of advice would be to stop isolating and to get out of the house. Surround yourself with people that care about you and accept the fact that they do truly care for you. They want to be there for you and want to support you.
You aren’t alone unless you choose to be. I choose to be alone sometimes and that’s ok but I know that I do need to rejoin society once in a while. Humans are social creatures by instinct.
Having a routine is fine but changing it once in a while could bring new experiences or new people into your life that might help you along your way. But, if you are living completely without a schedule and just drifting from day to day then getting yourself onto a schedule could be helpful while bringing a sense of purpose to your day again.
If you need to make friends or cultivate relationships, reach out to people that you knew from before you started isolating and feeling alone. Oftentimes, they have left you alone because they thought you needed space but would love to see you!
Acknowledge that you may not be ok right now and you will have some bad days but it is possible to truly live a life of your own design. Give yourself time and treat yourself with some compassion without judging. This was a big piece for me because compassion is a gift that I give to everyone else willingly but not always to myself.
Consciously choose to think more positively. Negative self-patterns can be corrected if you are patient with yourself and willing to put in some work. Monitor your thinking for negativity and switch it whenever you start thinking negatively.
One of the hardest things that I found was trying to pick up hobbies again that I had enjoyed previously but once I started getting into the habit again of doing them I felt relieved. I felt relieved because I had found a part of myself that I thought I had lost forever. And it felt pretty damn good, let me tell you that!
Journaling has been big for me because it is a period of self-reflection each day. I can tell my journal anything that I want to without fear of being judged or burdening anyone else with my problems. My friends would listen to anything that I have to say but sometimes I just don’t feel like talking, you know?
That’s the message that I woke up wanting to share and it has taken me all day to put my thoughts into words but maybe this will help someone because everything I’ve shared has helped me pull myself back from the darkness.
It’s been a few years now for me but I’m glad I experienced that time of my life, I don’t regret it at all. Now, I am able to live each day like it’s a perfect gift that was given only to me and that was made specifically for me. Life is so much richer now and the colors around me are so much more vibrant than they were before. I don’t know what the future holds but I do know that I can take on the world because I’m so much stronger now and more spiritually connected.
Don’t stay in the darkness anymore, my friends. The light is so much more fun!
Ivy
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Thanks for dropping by! I'm following you now.
Ivy
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Firstly, I’m deeply sorry for your recent losses and grateful for your heartfelt sharing here.
This is so important to keep talking about so I’m grateful that you’ve made this post.
I’ve lost too many close, dear people I’ve loved to suicide.
The finality of it allows no further solution to arise and there are ALWAYS things worth living for and no body can predict what incredible things they would go on to do. My older brother couldn’t be have known that he would become such a generous, happy amazing man, when he attempted suicide.
When you’re in those moments of darkness it’s hard to see that it is just a wave of life. Like waves, which come and go, the good the bad, the ups and downs, these waves don’t last.
The good doesn’t last. The bad doesn’t last.
That’s why I’ve been on a mission to save lives for many years through my music and through connecting with people and now I’ve started the @preventsuicide page (which is still nascent) and the Prevent suicide discord server https://discord.gg/kWXHSBp
to reach out to our awesome fellow steemians who may need to connect with others who’ve been survived that darkness or experience it often.
In fact, our team of kind souls is growing and we could use the help of more volunteers there if anybody is feeling to join us.
Blessings to you for opening up here. There’s lots of great advice in this post.
I would add that if anyone is feeling at the end of their rope to please contact your local suicide prevention hotline.
The people on the other end of the line are discrete, compassionate and can help you.
Don’t be embarrassed or afraid to reach out to them.
This is a beautiful comment, thank you so very much. Kudos to you for starting a page and Discord group for those wanting help or access to resources. Suicide is a final decision that is preventable. I would love to be able to flood the world with so much positivity and so much light one day that no one would want to think about it anymore. But, sometimes life does get hard to handle, I can relate. We are all given challenges that we must endure but when we come out the other side of them, we are given so many blessings and so many opportunities. I want to be able to reach out to those that are struggling and help because I know how hard it is to lose someone to suicide. I am sorry that you have faced loss, as well. And rejoice that your brother found peace. I echo the thought of contacting your local suicide prevention hotline if you are having thoughts of suicide <3
Ivy
Kindred spirits think alike. 🙏🏽💚
Agreed!
I want to first thank you for opening your heart to us here; it's a difficult thing to do, but sometimes, you just need to get it out. I'm also so very sorry for the loss you have suffered in your life, but I hope you know that nothing you could have done would have changed either outcomes. I know. My son has been in those shoes several times in his life, and thank god has been unsuccessful. He reassures me that there's nothing anyone can do or say to change things at that moment, but you're right, there's plenty that can be said before to help.
Thank you again for your words. I hope in some way, they bring you comfort.
Thank you for such a sweet comment. I had wanted to share my story in an effort to let others know that they aren't alone. And it does make me feel better to talk about it and to remember them as they were. I know that there was nothing that I could've done except to love them. I'm sorry that your son is struggling, thankfully it sounds like he has people that love him and want him to come back to the light. I'm sending prayers and good vibes your way for your son.
Ivy
You are most welcome, and thank you for your kindness and prayers for my son. I spoke with him today and he is sounding like another person...in a good way; he is over a month in treatment right now and god willing, it sounds like this time may be a success.
Thank you again ;)
That is such great news and warms my heart! Some treatment programs are so very worth the time and effort that is needed. I definitely appreciate that you have shared this amazing news. <3 <3 <3 <3
aww thank you for that reaction. I haven't shared much of his story here, mostly because I think it is just that...his. Thank you again though, that was very nice of you !<3
I completely understand. Its admirable that you respect his privacy. Maybe one day he will share his story and inspire others.
Ivy
He's already thinking in that direction, which is another great sign. Thank you ;)
This is a difficult subject for me to make a comment on, I would have to think about what to say without all the feelings getting in the way. I guess I'm not good at expressing my feelings about this in words, but I have seen the dark side, and still see it on a semi regular basis. It's the long struggle...
I appreciate the comment! You don't have to say anything if you don't feel comfortable doing so. I've always been very verbal about topics that other people may not want to talk about. This is a long struggle, if you need anyone to talk to please message me. I'm serious. Sending you love and light.
Ivy
Thank you! I'll keep that in mind.
My negative mind says: "Ok, that's just another fake story for getting more views and votes"
my positive mind tries to ignore that and agrees with the whole thing.
Sorry for the loss...
having schedule, trying to be social and being physically active helps the soul and helps dealing with depression.
There's also another thing that i think it's better to be added: (and it looks like it was so obvious for you that you didn't mentioned it)
Believing in something spiritual is really important. Really believing with your heart, not just a saying. As a Muslim i believe in God, and i believe he is watching over all of us, he is always there to protect us, notify, clarify, motivate and yes, sometimes punish us, so we understand how things work. when sometime i think about suicide, i realize the fact that i'm still alive, means that God wants me alive, so i should do something (and surely that something is not suicide). But if you don't believe that there's something more than just this materialistic dimension and everything finishes after you die, why not end the misery?
(i hope this didn't hurt your feeling, as someone who hasn't been in that situation, i don't know what does hurt, what doesn't.)
I assure you that I don't write anything untrue in order to get more views but I guess I can see how you might think that. But, this is real life and I live it every day. And, I don't really get all that many views yet because I'm still a baby account. I write a lot about spirituality and finding your center in order to stay grounded. Maybe I didn't spell it out clearly in this post but spirituality and faith are of the upmost importance in my life. Life is not about misery and I don't believe that anyone should end their life early. We all have a purpose which is why we are here. I wouldn't necessarily describe mental health pain as "misery" but more of a struggle to find the light once in a while and a desire for someone else to relate to how we are feeling without judging. This post and many others that I write are meant to explain and inspire anyone that may be feeling down or to offer a listening ear. You didn't hurt me, it sounds like you are trying to understand and no one can fault you for that. I appreciate it. Thanks for the comment!
Ivy
Surely, spirituality and faith was the underlying principle of your post. Maybe i was a little, say, sensitive about mentioning it directly.
Those pains didn't mean to be miseries, but sometimes we loose our faith and chose them to be. (Close to what you mentioned in "Making choices" and "The biggest choice of all" part of your post, choosing to live every day)
You are right, losing faith does have a lot to do with mental health challenges and feeling despondent to the point that you let the darkness start to consume you. My experience is that it does take a conscious decision of wanting to live every day for you to be able to do so. Thanks for the comment :)
Ivy
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