Comedy Open Mic Round 13 - In praise of being shit at everything. Caution: There will be rambling.

THE INSURANCE CLAIM : There I was. Driving along, minding my own business, when suddenly, without warning, this bridge pulled out in front of me.

I am all in favor of equality. I think it's only fair, since we know that there is so much inequality, that measures must be taken immediately to remove this unwanted bias. Now previously I've made fun of Hollywood for their pretense of suddenly becoming inclusive. In part that was because it's complete bullshit. All they are doing is protecting their bottom line. By pretending to suddenly be inclusive they ensure their profits aren't reduced. While true it's not the only reason I reject their fantasy and stick with my own delusional world. I'm not bitter, I'm only spiteful and eaten up by vengeance. What could have caused this you may ask? To which I would reply "I'm glad you asked." That's a complete lie, as is most of what is to follow, but stick with me as I hopefully build up to a crescendo here.

We've all got dreams haven't we? Most of them are far too sexually disgusting for us to share, so we'll ignore them. Although I have this fantasy. I was raised a Christian and taught to love my neighbor. It hasn't always been possible but currently I do. She's beautiful, less than half my age. I love watching her all day long. She's one of the reasons why I wish democracy wasn't an illusion. The claim that democracy makes is that you can vote for whoever you want to be your representative. Well, I thought, I'm all for that. So one day, against my better judgement, I went to vote. Only to find there were 3 names on the ballot, of people I didn't know. There wasn't enough space for me to write in the name of the lady I really wanted to vote for. I quickly realized that even if I did vote for her there was no chance she'd be elected, due to the fact most people didn't know her. How is that democratic? Most people didn't know the only candidates they could vote for either. The only way you could make it democratic is by putting the names of everybody, including me, on the ballot. Bit of advice here if you ever do see my name on a ballot, don't vote for me. Vote for my next door neighbor instead. I swear to God I'd vote for that woman until my right arm went limp, then switch over to Stranger.

I must point out here that I am not a Christian though. I could never be a Christian. You see, I cannot help coveting my neighbors ass. I defy any heterosexual male, homosexual female or bisexual/pansexual whatever not to covet that ass. It's the best ass I've ever seen in my entire life. You won't find a better ass out there I guarantee. I would go so far as to state categorically that even a straight woman would covet that ass, hard as that is to believe. They'd love it every bit as much as I do, without a shadow of a doubt. Her ass is so fantastic that a blind man who saw it would covet it. Being blind he'd only be able to see it with his hands though. Imagine that. A blind man coveting that ass with his hands. The lucky, lucky bastard. I'll carry on in a minute after I've finished imagining that. I mean that's the huge advantage of being blind. She's not going to object is she. All he's doing is seeing her ass with his hands. What's more he can do this from in front of her and get the full effect of her all over his body.

Now where was I? Writing copious amounts of bullshit, setting off on a tangent about my next door neighbor and her ass I am coveting, imagining I was blind, still imagining I was blind and taking a break from writing bullshit. Now I'm back at the keyboard and ready to write more lies. Fuck me I'm a political journalist. How did that happen? Just joking to lighten the mood before we get into the meat of this blog. Which is about equality and my views on it being vital to a fully inclusive society. Now I'm back in the room and ready to hack away at this grossly inaccurate analogy I'm going to create for my own benefit. Isn't that what equality is really about?

Please be aware that I'm a bit conflicted about this, as I'm going way back in time. I don't know whether to go for the wibbly wobbly effect or the straight forward jump cut with a subtitle indicating this is a long time ago. Therefore I've decided to leave it up to the imaginatorium of the individual reader. (Insert time travelling effect of your choice here).

There I was fresh out of catering college and itching to set foot on the stage, having learned all there was to know about the skill of acting. By acting surprised at the number of fatal food poisonings I'd caused before I was expelled. Pushing the envelope of the culinary arts isn't nearly as easy as it seems, for a fuck up like me. Acting surprised had lit a fire within me that needed quenching, therefore I purchased a copy of The Stage magazine at my first port of call. As luck would have it I immediately found my old friend Kermit the Frog had formed his own touring company. They were due to set sail for a tour of Siam on the next high tide. At this juncture he and Miss Piggy were on a break. She was seeing an up and coming young actor called Brad Pitt. While he was seeing an ever increasing pile of crusty tissues and empty whiskey bottles at the side of his bed.

I hurried hence filled with hope, at least I think that's what my dealer called them. Upon arriving at my destination I embarked from the purple hippopotamus and thanked the toucan driver for his assistance in some personal matters we'd discussed. He dissolved into a pool of cheese sandwiches which surprised us both. After I climbed down from the bedroom ceiling I made my way back to the docks catching Kermit barely an hour before his ship left port. I was too late. In my naivety I'd failed to consider the possibility all the parts had been cast. Such a shame as the touring company would have been travelling all over South East Asia performing modern dance routines to the music of. Rather patronizingly I thought, he offered me a position promoting the show and writing fake critiques for their papers. I declined. Not only because I preferred their earlier work but also because of all the spiders crawling around in my ears and brain.

Bright and early the following morning, after a night of hurling kittens at the fog within me, I auditioned for the role of Sticky the Stick in "Tales of the Forest of Kennels" (One of William Shakepenises lesser known racist rants) but they wanted someone with talent. Audition after audition followed. Rejection after rejection I received, until all my aspiration was gone. Aspiration is like hope except there are fewer spiders in my experience. Time after time I was rebuffed. I wouldn't have minded as much, even though some of those parts were made for me, but every time it was the same. They demanded some kind of talent in acting. That's nepotism in my book. All those talented people wanting to only work with other talented people. There isn't a movie, play or any performance piece that wouldn't be 5000% better with someone who had no fucking idea what they were doing.

I'd definitely go to an opera if there was an anorexic mental patient squealing like a kipper to the tune of someone inexpertly skinning a live ocelot. Mediocrity is seriously underrated and that's a fact. It's a lot better than awful, pathetic or useless for a start. In order for mediocrity to receive the recognition it deserves, we need more talentless morons in performances if we genuinely desire equality. Reality TV made a good start, but it doesn't go far enough. We need an immediate total cull of all people of talent. Only then can we replace them with completely unqualified individuals with profound learning disabilities. I'd pay well over the odds to watch Hamilton performed by a cast randomly selected from a psychiatric facility. The sound, scenery and lighting done by 3 bored hairdressers. Directed by a pedophile school janitor who was continuously distracted by the voices inside his own head. The music performed by a quartet of tone deaf steel workers on Ketamine. Now that would be art at its finest. Fuck all those coke fueled artistes and their talents.

Unless I'm getting all this equality stuff wrong, which is unlikely, we need every job from top to bottom done by a fuck wit like me. The only way I can see this working is to randomly select which employment each person takes. To be completely fair to everyone we should also only spend a week doing that job until we get randomly selected for another. You'd wake up on a Monday morning and your inbox would have an email advising you that today you're a senior cardio-thoracic surgeon. Imagine how excited that former electrician would feel. Obviously it could be any other former profession. There's even a small chance you'd end up doing a job you were actually qualified to do. Tough luck, but never mind you'll be doing something else next week. There are possible disadvantages to this I suppose. Nothing serious I imagine. It's difficult to see a downside here. Everybody is now equal regardless of any talents, which I've only now remembered would be nonexistent due to the cull of all talented people I've instigated. They'd only have kicked up a fuss anyway, knowing them. All of the world's equality problems solved by one simple, minor adjustment. See? I told you not to vote for me.

I would like to nominate @darisco and @kevinwong for the next round.