Figuring Out Our Emotional Tolls

I think one of the most surprising comments I've ever heard from someone concerning death came from my aunt after her husband died. She had been married four times in her life and upon announcing his death she said, "I've outlived all four of those son of a bitches". I could hardly believe what I was hearing coming out of her mouth. I was always under the assumption that Don and her were happily married. There were one of the few couples I've known in my life whose partnership seemed in sync with each other but I'd come to learn later that those better years didn't come until he finally chose to settle down to a home life instead of going to the bars after work. It'd take a couple years of being lonely and having what she referred to as no longer having anything to offer up to another man that she come to regret what she said after the many reflections of her life. He, in the end, ended up being the best thing that ever happened to her.

I guess we all deal with death in our own way, sometimes that can be shocking to others whom expect or think we should be falling apart upon the loss of someone in our lives. One of the first deaths I ever had to deal with was that of my oldest sister. My family was really upset that I wasn't falling apart and had the nerve to tell the news media she was the type of person who was always finding herself in trouble. There was hoards of news media calling us from all over the country as she was a victim of California's worst mass murder and I guess I was suppose to lie to them and say she lived a humble life. When my dad passed a few years later I actually found myself in a state of relief. I often found the same thing after the death of my brother last year. When I ponder the death of friends I find myself feeling a more compelling loss. I think the difference is that I spent more time with them in my lifetime in a positive manner then all the drama brought on by my family.

I found one friend in particular that it took me years to stop grieving his loss. To this day I still feel a sadness inside but I often question if that's because there was never any closure as they never found his body. I have this mental picture of him languishing forever in some filing cabinet not worthy enough material in this lifetime to find where he is. I think that's why him and I were so close, just two people whose circumstances in life left us just languishing out here in the world trying to survive it. So to languish in death just seems unconscionable. You would think after all you've been through in life you would at least deserve to be laid to rest in peace.

These last few months have proven to churn my emotions as the losses just keep piling up. Again I find myself contemplating as to explain why I feel so affected by the loss of friends and people I have never met over the loss of family. I sincerely believe it's the way these people have impacted my life. There were always there for me when I needed them in a more positive manner whereas my family whom I spent a small portion of my life with always came to me to be the rescuer of all their drama.

A couple of weeks before the death of a friend whose death I was expecting I lost another friend totally unexpectedly. Though I will admit that at the period of my life I spent living with him as my boyfriend for four years left me disgruntled and more than happy for a departure there really is something to be said for the old saying sometimes you are better off friends. Him and his family would spend decades being intertwined with ours as they'd practically go on to help me raise my two kids. I had interviewed over a hundred people after my first babysitter quit and wasn't happy with any of them, he was laid off so he offered to do it for a couple months, later his mom said she'd do it for awhile and awhile ended up being all the way through high school. It wouldn't come as a surprise then upon the news of his death that I felt an obligation to be there for them. They were more of a family to me then my own family and that's exactly how I was treated when I entered in, just as if I was one of their own. There was never any question or doubt on behalf of my sons either to attend the funeral, their entire families at that as they themselves whom had never meant them could feel that emotion within, that we had lost one of our own.

That day though I think I learned something. Maybe it's not about the bond between individuals as much as the strength we gather from our losses and trauma. When I left there I started thinking about his ninety six year old mother sitting there as nothing had happened at all in comparison to a young person's funeral I attended this year. There was barely a dry eye in the place and as they spoke they could barely contain their emotions. The answer may actually lay in what we go though when questioning the lack of our emotions, we don't lack emotions we garner strength to help others through theirs. Our experiences are our first response sorting out our emotions are our second.