Fresh October
October might be my favorite month of the year other than December. There is something magical about this season (literally). I love seeing everything around me transform to represent something from HalloweenTown. I love the classic, family and neighborhood oriented Halloween, not the blood and gore used to terrify people after taking a wrong turn on a country road.
No thank you. I don't like being scared or grossed out.
I usually have my house decorated by the last week of September, but any of my followers know that this year hasn't been the best for me physically. I have a few things out, but the majority of my Halloween stuff has been sitting in a box for a week in the living room. I just haven't had it in me to climb on a chair and hang spider webs or stickers. The pain in my legs has been controlling me.
That being said, I've made the decision to go to a Walk in Clinic with my mom to get a few things checked out. I turned 32 in August and I'm asking my Mom to come with me to the doctors office, kinda pathetic but my reasoning makes sense.
A few months ago, I received a copy of my entire medical file and read almost every page of it. When I went through my blood work results, there were a lot of notes to discuss with patient, but my doctor never did. I was concerned about my B12 in 2016 and checked it off myself on the requisition, but the results were never discussed. In 2019, while reading my file, I see that my B12 is low. I started supplements not long ago, but there is a list of 8 things in my blood that were to be discussed, but weren't.
My PLT count was also marked high for 2 years in a row and my mom has been excited with the thought that it could potentially be causing the pain my limbs instead of CRPS. Oh to feel that hope would be nice, but I've been to too many Doctors who agree: I have a bad case of CRPS. However, I do have these nasty dark veins popping up in my legs over the past little bit and the newest one in the back of my knee is causing some intense pain.
Which my body is screaming to me "Please, just listen to your mother and go to a new Doctor".
In my history and current state, I have a hard time handling my emotions when I feel desperate. My medical situation and my intense desire for even moderate relief from pain and financial stresses (Medical paperwork for disability at work or through government) is enough to set a 'normal' person overboard. Imagine having limited control of your emotions because they are technically controlled by the nervous systems in your brain which are all being controlled by CRPS. The same thing that is causing all of this intense pain taking over my body.
When I see a doctor, I need help. I really do. But I sometimes cry because of how overwhelming my situation really is. A lot of which, I am unable to mention in my blogs. I cry because I am desperate for help and I know based on my history with 4 doctors (more including the walk in doctors- 1 told me CRPS was not an actual condition), that chances are slim to none that I will have any luck for relief. Even for simple things. It's been my experience with over half of my doctors that I have to prove how crappy my life is by having my husband confirm "no she can't do this, that or anything anymore".
So for a fresh opinion and a fresh symptom, I need my Mom there with me. For the first time since I was maybe 15 years old, I need my mother to come to the doctors office with me. She's going to make sure I get an x-ray requisition for my dislocating hips (could be a problem) and blood work for my PLT count. She is going to help make sure that everything she is concerned about is taken care of. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it, but that is the reality. I hope she is right. Maybe I do have blood clots or something in my blood causing pain. I don't know, but I remain hopeful that there is something out there that can help alleviate my pain even a little.
It's my first Halloween in years not being able to go out with my Niece and Nephew. I probably won't even be able to do the Time Warp before they go. It's quite a disappointing feeling.
HOWEVER. It's Halloween season and I just need to look around to feel some magic. Which is very helpful.
I'm going to get ready for work now and hope it's a decent hobble and day. I have finally cut my walking stick to a somewhat desired height and am going to start making it mine tonight hopefully. I am honestly very nervous about using a walking aid, but I gotta try something while I figure out a treatment route again.
The project that me and my Soul Sister are working on seems to be potentially launching on our favorite day: Halloween :) <3 As we get closer to the date, I will let you all know what we are working on <3
Make today a great day with positive thinking and be kind to your mind everyone <3
Positive thoughts,
-Kristen Sparkle
Day 185/365
Entry 84/183
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