When you have a rush about you as like this instability in need and want to explain yourself. It's likely that yes - you need to hear yourself for real - only the explanation you are feeding yourself is a compensation to make sense of the instability you experience as the rush experience.

This has been my experience with justification,

There's this point of wanting and even needing to smooooooth things over. Make things "all good". Make things "all good" is a bit of a stretch from the perspective of the Justifier because it's not even about that. The starting point is warped within the religion of self as the holding on of self-interest where you and your is separate from everything else. Your individuality is precious.

The justification tendency has been a compensation move for me. It's been something I've been working on. It's something I'll continue to work on. It's the recognition for me that my words to not require to be justified as like I do not require to justify my action to anyone - and that obviously starts with myself.

That's the interesting thing about justification that I couldn't quite see. There's this point within yourself where you are justifying your existence...and so making sense of whatever it is you like or don't like....kind of feeding yourself the narrative to fit in. This is what I've held onto - this self-narrative of validating myself as adequate and or good enough.

In a way having this open wound - that's what justification it is. It's the story you tell about a thing you are holding onto that you could let go. It's rationalizing of emotional unsettlement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting caught up in the character arch type of Justification.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the control and influence of the Justifier as the one who is looking merely to manage and control the emotional experience to make oneself feel better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the tendency for me to gravitate into some kind of self-justification where I glorify my mistakes and create attention around look at this thing I did.....even though it was totally fucked....cough cough sprinkle Justification....make it sound ok and totally acceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a relationship with myself where justification is like a layered protocol for coping with deep bits of insecurity, inferiority and inadequacy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed emotional states of disempowerment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how compromising justification is in fact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing my own disception....my own dishonesty within existing as the Justifier.

When and as I catch myself going into a moment where I feel the need and want to Justify something I did or like add an explanation about myself to someone...so they can see me in a better light.....I stop and breathe....I realize I do not require to solicit myself and that I should not support the energetic playout of justification. It's compensating for a point that shouldn't exist. In the moment I drop the reaction tendency - make a stand within myself - realize myself here - that I am enough - I am adequate - I am here - I do not require to prove myself to anyone to be accepted as enough.

I commit myself to stop reacting out constructs of inferiority/superiority.

I realize shame to be a powerful tool of best regards as it's a tool to hold ourselves accountable for our bullshit - where it's like in recognizing our miss take, the error in our ways - we are able to catch this and hold onto it within ourselves from the perspective that the Shame is a point of sadness so to speak, as yes this is a moment of suck - the suck is real from the perspective of having created a loss here in terms of the past actions taken - however it's not to get caught in that "loss" but to have It without it being this thing that needs to be fed.....but this point of regard and appreciation for self - a reminder - "till here no further" do I accept and allow myself to participate in such shameful conduct. It's a point of shaming self into the best version of ourselves.

Self-Shame is a sensitive point.

The mind as ego wants to fight this....while this doesn't really help. In fact fighting your shame is the self-denial and self justification reactionary play out. It's like avoiding to read your book...your life story book.....it's like abdicating yourself authority as the author of your own story and the experience you find yourself within in this very moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my shame and feed this experience of having a temper tantrum of unsettlement within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for denying my shame and the sensitivity of shame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being reactive and very defensive about my shame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wanting to make up for my shame with words of justification.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to actually let go of the guilt within reacting to my shame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging and even justifying the reaction to the realization of shame I know that I didn't previously know existed within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for taking so personally the new discovery of shame within myself - where there's been this deep point of sadness that I've been like avoiding and trying to get rid of...without really wanting to talk about it or expose it...out of like this panic and worry that I will perpetuate this sadness within me even more and things will be more discomforting. I realize there is much validity to having sadness be a piece of yourself. It's only a piece. I realize I wanted to deny this piece of myself because it's uncomfortable and it is very synonymous with the end of something...a change....a connection.

When and as I see myself going into a compensation for an instability I am experiencing within my body - I stop and breathe - I let go of holding myself in a state of shortness of breath - I regain my statured standing within myself and realize it's a process of not picking myself up until I learn how to stand up and walk without pushing myself down. I realize I've had subtle patterns that I would push myself down within and that would compromise the best of myself. I realize my responsibility to myself and my environment and that it starts with me caring for me 100% - not accepting and allowing myself to beat myself up even for a second.

I commit myself to living the shame of justification.

I commit myself to sharing the shame within justification.

I commit myself to supporting myself to drop the habit and tendency towards feeding justification.
I realize justification is something that wasn't suppose to be fed...and so it will take time to un-feed justification as it will be a matter of disengaging the patterned moments that pop up where the default tendency is to take the added credit by justifying your self-accepted compensations and coping mechanisms with yourself.

I realize it's not to judge the moments of justification but to in fact learn from them. To go deeper into seeing the parts of ourselves we are coping and compensating for - to see what parts about ourselves were are attempting to sugar coat in a way - or have just plain out hidden and suppressed because we haven't given ourselves permission to bring those out without justification and free from restraint.

The above posting is a continuation from the post: From Suppressing The Best Outcome to Crafting It

The Next post will be a continuation of this one and the previous one - as the questions were opened up and just kind of flaunted in the last post - and I do have some follow through to share on some points in the next post.

Also - a bit more attention I would like to give to the self-defeatist character.

The other bits for me to give more clarity to include:

Questions about career, living environment, relationships, extra curricular,...

What do I want to create for myself here without restraint. What do I want to do if I can do whatever I want to do without restraint. Where do I want to live if I can live anywhere without restraint. Who do I want to live with.
What do I really want to commit myself to.

Do I really want to commit myself to anything in particular?

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