The Kingdom of Butterflies.steemCreated with Sketch.

in #life5 years ago

When I was a little boy, in the summers I would do pretty much the opposite of everyone else. I would go to bed early, say 2300 at the latest, and wake before dawn. There is a wonderful thing about the world in the gloaming light. When the birds are just waking and beginning their songs, and people are still snug in bed. There's a beauty to be found, just walking around the neighbourhood, or downtown, when nobody is about. The world is so lovely when it's not filled with people bustling about and making everything so noisy.

Ofcourse, my mother was often up at these times as well, doing laundry or other things. For some reason the washing machine would drain into the gravel driveway behind our house. And so during the summers there was often a muddy patch there, because we had LOTS of laundry. I'm sure most parents understand. Much of that laundry was likely generated due to our continual rambling in the woods.

One thing I noticed, eventually, is that this muddy patch would fill with butterflies.. lovely yellowwings, or on occasion even the Monarchs. And it struck me, one day... that for all the mud, and all the trouble that I would get into for going there... for these butterflies, it was a banquet, a sumptious feast of glorious abundance. For them.. it was truly a place of wonders.

karinavorozheeva666315unsplash.jpgPhoto by Karina Vorozheeva on Unsplash

More than a decade later, the winter of 1996, in the aftermath a devastating relationship with a sex abuser, and locked in a co-dependent relationship with a dependapottamus, I came down with gout. If you don't know what that is, just imagine living with a nail driven through one of the joints on your toes, that you can't pull out. You just have to deal with it.

I had also blown through all of my student loan money, so I was experiencing hunger and the good old-fashioned garbage-buffet for the first time. I couldn't walk, I had no food, I had classes to attend and a horrid job for a boss who somehow delayed paying me for 5 weeks; every waking moment was filled with excruciating physical pain as well as nonstop manipulation and gaslighting from both the dependapottamus and the abuser herself, still dangling hope before me like a carrot... It's a wonder I didn't perish...

But I wasn't alone. The Three and One had me in their sights even then... and they showed me a secret. There exists a place within a person, usually hidden and buried beneath layers and layers of responsibilities and duties and worries and other such dross. And in times of unbearable privation, when one is broken down so far, so deeply flayed with blight and torment that they can scarce remember their own name... a place that can only be reached once all hope of pretense is lost, when one is; like a piece of coal crushed in indescribable pressure and heat, formed into a blazing diamond of pure will.

When raw survival takes over, and laying deep in Aunt Lili's court, one simply gives in. Alone with Crone herself, one just lets go... Lets go of hope, of fear, of pride, of shame, of tomorrow, of yesterday... when there is nothing but this simple moment of beating heart and billowing lungs and radiant Love and Fury.

And they are Exalted.

In that place, at that moment, a human is truly the most dangerous beast on the planet, for they are capable of any action necessary to protect and preserve themselves and those they deem worthy. They can betray any parasite, crush any enemy, rescue any loved one. They are at their very most Righteous. In my experience, I have only ever known tremendous, aching Love and Gratitude for my Life.

And that place is the Kingdom of Butterflies, when simply being alive is all that matters. When having only the basest of needs met, is more than one could ask for. It is truly a Heaven Within.

Love to the Loving,
Silas Danois

PS: A song about the Great Depression that fully incarnates this for me.

Smaller and Smaller - Faith No More

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But I wasn't alone. The Three and One had me in their sights even then... and they showed me a secret. There exists a place within a person, usually hidden and buried beneath layers and layers of responsibilities and duties and worries and other such dross. And in times of unbearable privation, when one is broken down so far, so deeply flayed with blight and torment that they can scarce remember their own name... a place that can only be reached once all hope of pretense is lost, when one is; like a piece of coal crushed in indescribable pressure and heat, formed into a blazing diamond of pure will.

I have felt this sooooo many times, and I often say that my survival mode is where so much of my personal power comes from. There's something about being pushed to your every edge, to the brink of devastation, when you are hanging on by nothing but pure unadulterated force of will. One of my favorite quotes is by Pema Chodron where she says, "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found."
In a sense this is a reflection of my life, where pressure creates gemstones as time goes on, and flowers bloom through concrete, and our greatest pain is also our greatest weapon, our deepest shames our greatest teachers. I am glad you find that place of gratitude, for courage and incredible self love is also found there. ❤️🙏 ...and I do believe she also is describing your Kingdom of Butterflies. It's a place I also know well, though by perhaps a different name.

Xx ToL

Told ya that we'd get along. <3

What beautiful images and sentiment in this Kingdom of the Butterflies! Thank you for writing.

Oh, thank you. I can't believe it took so long for me to respond. I have been remiss.
Damn you GINAbot!

=)

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