The yin & yang of relationships ~

“Balanced relationships are always based on freedom, not obligation.”
~ Michael Thomas Sunnarborg

Yang = dynamism, movement, giving, passionate, excitement, expression, talking, superficial
Yin = patience, quietude, relaxation, receiving, contentment, listening, sincere, genuine

Exploring the dynamism of human romantic relationships provides us with a perfect example of yin and yang expressions. Typically, a male has within him a predominant yang source of energy and the female has a more yin source of energy to draw from. This expression of both yin and yang provide the perfect conditions for relationships to flourish, nurture, and develop.

It is nature’s way to have one person to hold and uphold a predominant yang energy and the other to uphold a more yin energy. This can be seen throughout the animal world, as well as the human world, in the forms of both heterosexual and homosexual relationships.

For a relationship to flourish, a complementary amount of yang or yin energy is required to match the other person’s yin or yang energy. For example, if a man upholds 80% yang energy and 20% yin, he would naturally be seeking out a female who expressed 80% yin energy and 20% yang.

This is not always the case, however, because some of us, at various stages of our lives, seek out various expressions of yin and yang types of people and this is also a natural process of rebalancing our own energies as a way to rediscover our true state within yin and yang. For example, if we were in a previous relationship with a person who expressed a great amount of yang energy and that relationship finished, then there would probably be a natural tendency to experience and seek out another partner who had more yin as a way to rebalance our system.

There are two types of relationships, one is healthy and supportive whereas the other is harmful and destructive.

The former type of relationship is focused on an exchange and sharing of energies to help and support each other toward a higher level of awareness. In this kind of relationship, they often consciously exchange roles, shifting their energy to adjust to the other person. For example, if one person in the relationship has had a difficult day, then the other person shifts their energy and attention to be more accommodating to the other. There is a kind of mutual respect that comes into play that acknowledges the other person’s energy and how they are expressing their energies in their daily life.

The other more harmful type of relationship is based in the giving and taking of energy from each other. Usually, one person in the relationship is a taker and the other person is a giver of their energy. The taker cares little for the general well-being of the other person and is only involved in the relationship to serve out their own needs and desires. Takers tend to be predatory in their behaviors, because of the lack of their own self-worth and their inability to generate their own balance and source of energy they seek to steal it from other weakened and vulnerable people. The giver in the relationship has such low self-esteem, for a variety of reasons, from trauma through to poor parental role models, they freely give up their low reserves of energy to feel needed or wanted by the other person. Yet, they know in their hearts that the relationship is not good for them.

Relationships that are established and based on this taking and giving of energy from each other is destined for destructive outcomes and should be avoided when possible. In such circumstances, it is better to walk alone than to walk alongside another who seeks to only steal your energy.

Having the courage to walk alone can be difficult for people in any circumstance and, therefore, it is advisable for these people to move their focus away from “romantic relationships” and focus on improving their own health and personal energy instead. This helps to bring their internal energy to a more balanced state so that in the future, further relationships will not be based on the giving and taking.

When one’s energy is internally strengthened and cultivated to the point where you can be self-sustaining and self-dependent, relationships will naturally become more balanced, healthy, and supportive. Until then, it is better to avoid romantic relationships for at least six months to a year.

Friendship based relationships tend to take on a different quality of yin and yang, where the friend brings out more of the same in us. For example, if I am a male, running predominantly as a yang energy, there is a tendency to seek out other male friends who also express male dominant characteristics. This generates the sense of being accepted as who you are and it also encourages us to express our natural tendencies.

Of course, this is not always the case as we may have one or two close friends who actually show us the other side of yin or yang energy and these friends tend to provide us with a sense of fresh air from the usual circle of friends who all feed on the same energy. Females tend to work much in the same way, and seek out friends who express the same amount of yin dominate energy as themselves. And again, just like males, they may have a good one or two close friends who express the other end of yin or yang, which provide them some insight and freshness into their usual yin dominant friends.

In all cases, therefore, it is advisable and natural for us to seek out friends who bring out our true natural expressions of yin or yang energy, yet it is also helpful to be open to those friends who express something very different because it is those friends who help us to stay balanced and provide us insight into the other world, which can be very helpful in providing advice for more romantic focused relationships.

Obvious signs of a yang dominated person is one who:

• Moves fast
• Can be a bit rough around the edges
• Tends to get hot easily
• Wants things to happen quickly and can easily become impatient and frustrated
• Loves to move, dance, exercise
• Loves to talk
• Eats fast
• Seeks out thrills and flashy entertainment
• Extroverted tendencies
• Masculine body shape
• Strong body and frame
• Strong sexual drive

Obvious signs of a yin dominated person is one who:

• Moves slowly
• Likes smooth and soft things
• Warm or cool to the touch
• Is patient
• Is a good listener
• Intuitive, creative
• Enjoys quiet time
• Introverted tendencies
• Often intellectual
• Feminine body shape

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Michael Hetherington
BHlthSci, Chinese medicine & yoga
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